.se Puns

"¿Cómo?"

"No sé."

Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.

Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"

Just came up with this but has probably been said before.

I said that’s great, but where-dough?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with her—waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to pop—she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, “Omigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

“Well, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

Stock holders are TENSE

I don't know what that means. Can someone please translate?

So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here.

Oh, the weather outside is crazy
Like a film from Martin Scorsese
The rain will fall and the wind will blow
El niño, el niño, el niño

It doesn’t show signs of stopping
My shirt and pants are sopping
Oh, where did that umbrella go
El niño, el niño, el niño

Weather patterns don’t seem right
Southern Cal is all a storm
The marine layer and all of its might
All because the Pacific is warm

The fear of fire is now subsiding
our thoughts turn to mudsliding
Down the hillside our houses flow
El niño, el niño, el niño

Now it’s a Ford Focus

I figure, what do I have Toulouse.

So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J

J: You u should tie up your shoes

Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays

J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)

Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)

Conversation deviates

Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard

J: nah

Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables

Ex-POO-se me! 🤦

Como se llama el hijo Hercules?

Herculito (el culito)

A moo-ssage

When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."

Waitress: "Sorry about the wait, the nachos are taking a long time."

Dad: "It's ok, it's nacho fault."

English and Spanish.

The Trump administration is making a game out of getting Latinos out of the country, they call it deporte.

Spanish heathens have to pay extra to preforn their ceremonies. Pagan rituals

What sci-fi weapon does the King of Spain prefer? A rey-gun!

Do you know how many times anyone had to tell me how to say 'eleven' in Spanish? Once.

Exclusivamente en español (Perdón por errores gramaticales)

Qué comida es el mas mojado? El agua-cate

Cual comida no puede decir una mentira? La verdadura

Como se llama un libro sobra la revolución? Libre!

Qué es exactamente una mejor que Beyonce? Beydoce

Cual animal siempre tiene un novio o novia? El Parejaro.

Cual comida es el menos diverido? Aburrito.

Sobre que papel de pelicula de Madonna no le quiere hablar? Evita!

Quiero que me digáis mas. Nunca tengo suficiente bromas!

not a joke per se but seems like a pretty Dad'ish plan to surprise his friends with such a devious ticket! 😲

No se dan

My dad: Oh, so 9 months ago she was se-duced and now tomorrow she'll be in-duced.

Se habla Espan y’all.

Turns out he had a dizzy-se.

http://i.imgur.com/g46ulSE.png

-sabe inglés?

-si

-como se dice ”un zapato” en inglés?

-a shoe

-salud

-gracias

While we were working together, I passed some gas. This conversation immediately followed:

Dad: Did you say something?

Me: No, but there is an asshole behind me talking shit.

Apparently he had never heard this joke, and he couldn't stop laughing for a good minute. It's usually pretty hard to get him to laugh. But we both love lame jokes and it really surprised me he has never heard it.

I know it's probably not a dad joke per se, but Dad/Grandfather to my child was involved so it should still count.

TLDR: farted and said "there's an asshole behind me talking shit"

...it had a certain Juno se qua

I was grocery shopping with dad on a busy day, lot's of people in the grocery store. We were in the fruit aisle when my dad called for me out loud, I turned around and saw my dad holding two melons to his chest

"Son, look at my melons" while laughing at his own joke. You could se people smile from the dad joke

So, I teach Spanish at a small liberal arts college in the Carolinas. This morning my basic Spanish class was going over a reading comprehension exercise about a clothing store called "Corona." Corona means 'crown' in English. The ad had all kinds of words dealing with royalty, kings, and so on in it, and I wanted to go over the double meanings. So, to start, I asked them, "¿Cómo se dice 'corona' en inglés?" To a student, they all answered, "Beer."

I groaned and dismissed them five minutes early so I could laugh without them seeing me.

I have a fairly strict rule about only speaking in Spanish in my class, especially when asking "¿Cómo se dice?" or "How do you say?" So, when a student asked me in English, "How do you say 'my birthday' in Spanish?" I responded:

"With my lungs, larynx, lips, tongue, and teeth."

The class blinked for two seconds before groaning in unison. She then asked the question, correctly, en español. But, I think I now understand why cats purr.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jemimaskelley/ten-tickles?utm_term=.seNDBY8Q4&sub=4015207_6808513

Drove past the llama ranch that's just outside our town, and I asked 'Are the llamas out?' 'No, no llamas.' responded my brother.

Dad chimes in with 'What? No llamas? How do they know what to call them?'

((like Como se llama))

This might sound a bit weird, since this discussion was in Finnish and I apparently wasn't clear enough. My SO was leaving my place for work and we were saying goodbye, with some standard goodbye-fondling. It was time for him to leave for the bus and this discussion was had.

Me (declaratively): Time to put it in (the) pants. ("Laitahan se housuihin.")

...

Me: YOUR pants! ("SUN housuihin!")