I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves

But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I regret wiping my eyes with ketchup on my hands.

But that's Heinz sight for ya.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife saw me wiping the water off my shoes with a newspaper, and said, β€œWhat are you doing?”

I said, β€œThese are the Times that dry men’s soles.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I've always been a bit obsessive compulsive when it comes to wiping my butt...

...I'm seriously anal about it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoyoteBible
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2016
🚨︎ report
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 743
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do Scottish people use to wipe after using the bathroom?

Kilted Northern

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night my son saw a mouse in the kitchen so he wiped down all the counters and cleaned everything...

Tonight I'm putting the mouse in the bathroom.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/multiplefroggs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get a demon to wipe the condensation off your windshield?

Just ask him politely with a sqouija board.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/palm_top
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I just swallowed a stack of Scrabble tiles by accident.

My next poop could spell disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoganWren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"

" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
OC, This mosquito got wiped out
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iwantmyteslanow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the meteorite that wiped out the dinosaurs?

An extinct-guisher.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matthewrmshin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
An avalanche has started on Mount Everest that threatens to wipe out 20% of its surrounding area.

This is snow joke.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a9lex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
You can always tell how good a dad is, by how many baby wipes they use

3 wipes: rookie dad, hasn't figured it out yet

2 wipes: getting there, but still a noob

1 wipe: master dad

0 wipes: not a very good dad.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How do blind people wipe their butts?

With toilet paper, like everyone else!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/j0hnk50
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey dad, can we stop at the casino at the next exit?

Dad: Sure, why? Son: I need to go to the bathroom and the sign says they have the best craps in the state.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtdisfraction
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I've run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead

The times are rough

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The question was: "How do people with extremely long fake nails properly wipe their butts after pooping? Saw someone struggling to type on their phone today with those bad boys"
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I never understood baby wipes

Why are they called Baby Wipes if it’s your job to wipe the baby?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, β€œIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, β€œI'm on the toilet, please advise…”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally wiped ketchup in my eye

Now I have Heinzsight.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Capt Kirk use wet wipes?

Klingons.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgpitre
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I run out of toilet paper...
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirt_T
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.

I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vole182
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.

They’re wiped out.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entree_The_Giant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Asian girls don’t poop...

...they take dumplings.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simmsnation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to Walmart to get some toilet paper today

They were completely wiped out.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the pirate wear a paper towel for a hat?

He had a bounty on his head.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanOfAllTrades80
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes

She had a nasty habit

πŸ‘︎ 261
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeerAndJameson
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2018
🚨︎ report
There were many factors that led to the mutiny on the HMS bounty in 1789. The most significant grievance was that:

They ran out of paper towels.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My colleague invented a machine that would steal other people’s ideas, and wipe them off the subject’s memory.

Why didn’t I think of that?

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
🚨︎ report
A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, β€œWhat can I get you?”

The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.

The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.

The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.

But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.

The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, β€œWhy?”

The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.

The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…

β€œPanda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donorob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Still no toilet paper at the store today...

My dad said they’re wiped out

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mayoandbutter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foreverxtrue24
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why didnt the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HaruArashi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of toilet roll so am reduced to wiping my butt with lettuce leaves.....

I fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrFabulous0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slammogram
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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