From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......

Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.

Well played, boy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 744
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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What type of math equation do you need to do to wipe your butt?

Multi-ply

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kasegauner
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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What do Scottish people use to wipe after using the bathroom?

Kilted Northern

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"

" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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You can always tell how good a dad is, by how many baby wipes they use

3 wipes: rookie dad, hasn't figured it out yet

2 wipes: getting there, but still a noob

1 wipe: master dad

0 wipes: not a very good dad.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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An avalanche has started on Mount Everest that threatens to wipe out 20% of its surrounding area.

This is snow joke.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a9lex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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How do blind people wipe their butts?

With toilet paper, like everyone else!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/j0hnk50
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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The question was: "How do people with extremely long fake nails properly wipe their butts after pooping? Saw someone struggling to type on their phone today with those bad boys"
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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Why does Capt Kirk use wet wipes?

Klingons.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgpitre
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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My colleague invented a machine that would steal other people’s ideas, and wipe them off the subject’s memory.

Why didn’t I think of that?

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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I always wipe my mouth before I lie down.

I'm nap-kin.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/figarojew
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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What did pharaohs use to wipe?

Poo-pyrus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_white_jay_z
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the ass.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khacks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
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This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.

Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
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What do you call it when you wipe your derrier with a Sham Wow?

Shampoo

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/3ternalz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
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My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trickstro
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Which hand do you wipe with?

'Cause, I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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What hand do you wipe with?

Ugghhhh I use toilet paper.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peter108
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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