We've Got Tonight Puns

Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, “We can get out of here.”

The other guy says, “We can?”

He says, “Yes.”

The other guy says, “How?”

The first guy says, “I’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”

The guy says, “You really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”

(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/two-guys-at-the-funny-farm/

My wife got mad at me for something I did in her dream.

“I’m terribly sorry, honey, let me make it up to you. Let’s have a nice dinner out, and maybe we could get those shoes you’ve always wanted,” I told her.

“Oh, honey, I can hardly wait! Are we going tonight?” She asked.

I replied, “Sure thing. What time do you usually start dreaming?”

She's related to me, my wife, and her 2 sisters.

Anyway the joke I made tonight-

My in-laws had to the 2 older girls while we were at the hospital, and got home tonight. I looked down and realized I had a hole in one of my socks, and said "guess it's time to throw this one away."

My father in law said, "yeah. I've been getting holes in my socks and have been throwing them away, too."

I said, "Left and right?"

Was at dinner tonight with my girlfriends family and her sister brought her new puppy over. Their step dad left the room momentarily and the puppy followed him.

GF: Oh, jeeze <step dad>, you've got a little stalker!!

Me: Oh no!!! We better call the pawlice!

Rest of table: <audible groans>

I'm only 22, but I like to think I have a bit of dad in me already.

The dental hygienist asked me which part of my mouth they should work on tonight, then relayed my response to the dentist when he came into the room. He responded in classic dad fashion:

Hygienist: We're gonna work on the top left. Dentist: The top left? What if I wanted to work on the top left? (pause) Dentist: You know what? I've got it. I'm gonna work on the top left.

A bit of context: my sister just got home tonight from visiting family for new year. One of my cousins that she was visiting is pregnant, and she's been seeing the father for about a year but because they live a 6hour drive away, we've dont really know much about him.

My dad is pretty close with my cousins, so he was asking my sister about the guy and his family.

Dad: So, does he have any brothers or sisters?

My sister: Yeah, he's got a brother.

Dad: Oh, what's his name?

My sister: Mark, I think

Dad: That's a weird name, MarkIthink...

So basically I live with 5 white roommates and I'm Indian. They're all graduating this year and I still got a year left. Next year I'm living with a couple of my town friends. And tonight we were having our last dinner together.

We made pizza, then had ice cream cake and brownies. My roommates then turn to me saying how "next year will be boring for you, do you think you guys will ever make brownies?" To which I quickly said "no, but we'll have a couple brownies in the rooms"

I've never felt like a dad, but this is the closest.