I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
At first I wasn't going to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Why wasn't helium surprised or shocked when it won the lottery?
Because it's not a very good reactor
My friend wasn't happy with his new car, so I said "Dude, just roll with it".
He probably wasn't bready for it
Last year wasn't much fun having a broken neck injury..
.. but at least now, I can look back and laugh.
Why wasn't RBG a business executive?
i guess the crowd wasn't orderly orderly orderly though
Daffy Duck went to Porky Pig’s house. When he arrived he used the bathroom, but there wasn’t any toilet paper. Daffy yelled for Porky and Porky replied:
Bidet bidet bidet, that’s all folks.
Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much
But the reception was incredible.
My kid wasn't sure if he wanted eggnog or not.
You might say he's eggnostic.
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
I built a spice rack that wasn't big enough to hold all my spices
I lost track of all of space and thyme
Why wasn’t Cardinal Sicola ever elected as pope
Because they didn’t want a Pope Sicola
Did you know that the first ever French Fry wasn’t cooked in France?
I once knew a guy who was a pilot but he wasn't very bright.
All of his friends called him plain stupid.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
My daughter's birth wasn't a delivery...
This tasty plant wasn't just a big dill, it was the National Anethum
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.
The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.
What did the carpenter do after he wasn't satisfied with his One Night Stand?
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
Did you hear about the queen who wasn’t sure how long she had ruled for?
How did the archaeologist know that Cleopatra wasn't feeling well?
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.
No idea why the school hired him.
I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
I tried telling my friend some deer fun facts but he wasn't interested in listening to me.
I feel he isn't fawned of them.
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
I went parachuting with a friend, and my parachute wasn't working
He laughed, and I said I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation!
He wasn't lying, just saying
My friends said they’d un-friend if I wasn’t a Trump supporter
Why wasn't the rock allowed into the party?
He wasn't "granite" permission.
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.
But now I can look back and laugh.
well reading this wasn't such a waste of time
How do you know Jesus wasn't born in America?
They needed 3 wise men and a virgin
my five year old just told me that he wasn't finished his yawn...
... i told him his yawn was expired.
(sadly, he didn't get it)
Apparently Orion wasn't too excited about his new belt.
I was excavating a large hole in my backyard in order to build an underground office. My neighbor wasn't too happy with the noise and wanted to come and see what all the commotion was about.
I told him to just leave me alone. After all, I'm just mining my own business.
I was devastated this afternoon, when my wife said my 5 year old son wasn't mine...
She said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof
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