I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
At first I wasn't going to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Why wasn't helium surprised or shocked when it won the lottery?
Because it's not a very good reactor
Did you know that Shakespeare wasn't just an amazing playwright? He also made exceptional wigs!
His shop name? Toupee or Not Toupee.
My friend wasn't happy with his new car, so I said "Dude, just roll with it".
He probably wasn't bready for it
What would Ed Sheeran be if he wasn't a musician?
Last year wasn't much fun having a broken neck injury..
.. but at least now, I can look back and laugh.
i guess the crowd wasn't orderly orderly orderly though
Why wasn't RBG a business executive?
Daffy Duck went to Porky Pig’s house. When he arrived he used the bathroom, but there wasn’t any toilet paper. Daffy yelled for Porky and Porky replied:
Bidet bidet bidet, that’s all folks.
Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much
But the reception was incredible.
My kid wasn't sure if he wanted eggnog or not.
You might say he's eggnostic.
I built a spice rack that wasn't big enough to hold all my spices
I lost track of all of space and thyme
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
Did you know that the first ever French Fry wasn’t cooked in France?
Why wasn’t Cardinal Sicola ever elected as pope
Because they didn’t want a Pope Sicola
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
I once knew a guy who was a pilot but he wasn't very bright.
All of his friends called him plain stupid.
My daughter's birth wasn't a delivery...
This tasty plant wasn't just a big dill, it was the National Anethum
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.
The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.
What did the carpenter do after he wasn't satisfied with his One Night Stand?
I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof
Did you hear about the queen who wasn’t sure how long she had ruled for?
How did the archaeologist know that Cleopatra wasn't feeling well?
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.
No idea why the school hired him.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
I tried telling my friend some deer fun facts but he wasn't interested in listening to me.
I feel he isn't fawned of them.
I went parachuting with a friend, and my parachute wasn't working
He laughed, and I said I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation!
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
He wasn't lying, just saying
My friends said they’d un-friend if I wasn’t a Trump supporter
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.
But now I can look back and laugh.
Why wasn't the rock allowed into the party?
He wasn't "granite" permission.
well reading this wasn't such a waste of time
How do you know Jesus wasn't born in America?
They needed 3 wise men and a virgin
My robot dog wasn’t working properly but the vet said he couldn’t do anything.
I don’t understand. Don’t people take their pets to the vet to get fixed all the time?
Apparently Orion wasn't too excited about his new belt.
I was devastated this afternoon, when my wife said my 5 year old son wasn't mine...
She said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof
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