My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):
These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.
whoosh
whoosh
whoosh
The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.
"What the hell is that noise?"
"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."
"The Foo bird?"
"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."
"That's silly."
"Well, that's what the locals say."
The noise gets louder and closer.
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.
"It's huge!"
Suddenly...
SPLAT
All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.
The first of the three men says, "that's got to be a coincidence."
He wipes the shit off, and drops dead.
The second guy nervously says, "it can't be true"
He wipes it off and drops dead.
The third guy doesn't wipe it off. He was found a few days later, and went home, refusing to be cleaned.
A few years pass, his life has been destroyed due to being covered in shit. His wife left him, his friends won't come near him, he can't find a job... One day, he's in the bathroom shaving around the shit.
"It's been years, most of it has flaked off, it's probably fine to wipe it off now."
He hesitates, but eventually grabs a towel, wets it down, and takes a deep breath.
He wipes the shit off, looks up into the mirror smiling, then drops dead.
The moral of the story is:
If the Foo shits, wear it.
A: I just went to the doctor today. B: Why? A: Well, the problem is that I can't seem to fall asleep after I drink coffee. B: Strange, it's exactly the opposite for me. I can't seem to drink coffee while I'm sleeping.
So sometimes I help my dads hockey team out when they're short on players and always leave with new material. They were getting on one guy for thinking about getting married and how it's a horrible idea.
Future dad: "Ya i'm in the process of finding some rings that she may like"
Dad: "Well you gotta buy three rings for her. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering"
This of course leads to laughs and another topic of how blowjobs are obsolete as the marriage goes on and to hold onto the memories of seeing women naked other than your wife.
Apparently, nobody was interested in buying ‘Shatner Panties’.
It always end in an Auntie climax.
When the package came....the box was empty.
...Colby
Me: "What's wrong, didn't it go well?"
Son:"No it didn't, she flat out rejected me. I did so much to plan this so all of it goes well, I called her to the fancy restaurant near that giant wall that holds the water and brought the best bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates too but she still said that she likes me only as a friend."
Me: "Dam son"
Smiles. Because there's a mile between the two s.
The plot was predictable. The special f(x) was terrible.
it will only let me watch episodes 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13
...that the band 'Toto' was not made up of former members of the band 'Kansas'.
I thought I'd just put the Fila's out there
I thought that was their Maine attraction.
First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')
My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"
The finale wasn’t a cliffhanger.
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yard.
because it was just warm bread.
My performance was really subpar.
He offered me coffee.
They had raised her butter.
I just visited their wireless section and didn't see a single LG BT device
Just Dew It
It was a shih tzu
But it’s the fort that counts.
One says "Quick show him your cross"
The other priest crosses his arms and says "I'm so disappointed in you"
He was a bison.
She didn’t want to hear stories about my rooster.
Is an utter disappointment?
It was a Shih Tzu
A weedwacker.
A woman walked into the kitchen one day and saw, much to her horror, her husband sitting at the table with blood all over most of his face, his chest, hands, arm, and on the table. She watched for a moment, shocked, as he began pouring barbeque sauce on his arm where most of the blood was coming from.
"Stop that! What are you doing!? What happened to your arm?!" She finally managed to scream as she unjammed all the words trying to flow out at once.
Her husband looked at her with a disgusted frown and a shake of his head and replied "I've made a terrible me-steak"
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
Not a single bird grew after I planted it.
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
The plot was predictable. The special f(x) was terrible.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
