Should've becareful of your speech
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
Iβve lost count of the times I forgot
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
My wife told me Iβve grown as a person
Her actual word were βyouβve gotten fatβ, but I know what she meant.
π︎ 985
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Wow hi I've met my people on this subreddit
π︎ 102
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
π︎ 999
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
π︎ 215
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
I've invented a sandal for one legged people...
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.
I think she's going to take me up on it.
π︎ 81
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
I hadnβt used my main in around a year but had a reason to burro back in my post history... I had forgotten about this, and I donβt mean to brag but this is the single greatest post Iβve ever made on reddit.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
German Shepherds of Reddit, what is the wurst pun you've ever herd?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
Never criticize someone until youβve walked a mile in their shoes.
That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
π︎ 277
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
I've started a boating business from my attic....
The sails are going through the roof.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
Lately Iβve been storing all my extra change in some bushes outside.
Iβm starting my own hedge fund.
π︎ 75
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
I see you've dug 3 holes looking for water
π︎ 95
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- absoutely briliant
π︎ 53
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
Iβve recently gotten over my addiction to deli meats
I was able to quit cold turkey
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
I've landed my dream job at the guillotine factory...
Will beheading there tomorrow.
π︎ 113
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
Rumor has it that Iβve been sentenced to the gallows.
Please collect me if Iβm wrung.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
π︎ 339
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
I've made up my mind. I'm choosing a career path as an electrician.
I just found out you get to work with dikes and strippers.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Iβve never understood why baby dogs are called puppies...
When they could be called subwoofers
π︎ 84
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
I've just finished writing a book about using stairs...
It's a step by step guide.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
For the past five years, Iβve said that iβm going to start jogging, but I never have
Itβs starting to become a running joke at this point
π︎ 55
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
I've decided to invest all my money in soup stocks
I want to be a bouillonaire.
π︎ 384
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
I've heard that if you exercise, drink plenty of water, and get enough sleep, your brain might nominate you for a prestigious award. I haven't won yet but I'm still trying!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
Iβve got this awful disease where I canβt stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says itβs terminal
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
This occurred to me at 1 am and Iβve never been more proud
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I've been swapping labels around on my wife's spice jars.
She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.
π︎ 382
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..
π︎ 224
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
If you've toasted bread, you've bred toast.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
I've never trusted stairs.
They're always up to something.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I've started buying restaurants and reselling them for a profit
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
I've often wondered, are people with photographic memories born with that ability..
..or does it just take time to develop ?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I've just bought my wife a new coat, that's all the colours of the Spectrum.
Black, with grey rubber buttons.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
π︎ 237
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Patient: doctor, I've gone blind
Doctor: I see
Patient: I don't
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
I've started my new diet. It's called the Saudi Arabian cannibal diet...
You just have a Sheikh for breakfast.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I've completed 4 years of being single today.
Or Can I say I graduated my Bachelor's Degree?
π︎ 69
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her Iβve been trying to find them for three days, she said βplease I need to seeβ
I said yeah me too thatβs why Iβm looking for my glasses
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
I've just discovered I have a logic fetish...
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
π︎ 288
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
I think it may be terminal
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
