This pun is a Cut above the rest
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pablocaz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
To cut a long story short.....

I became a film editor.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCraay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.

So, could you brown it up a bit?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blortted
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down.

Do you think it's stumped?

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor’s hair?

Caesars.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What do hipsters cut wood with

A sahhhhh dude

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheThriftyAlmond
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Scot with a bad hair cut?

Mullet of Kintyre.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apollonius_Cone
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?

He’s all right now

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, can I get a hair cut?

Dad: Which one?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebrostein
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the diabetic dad cut off his son's leg?

Because he needed a kid-knee transplant.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ignorantlad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
It's important never to cut funding for gritters.

Once you lose one it's a slippery slope.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nirdle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
"Son, you're not cut out to be a mime artist."

"Was it something I said?"

"YES!!"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st0len_meme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Recently, the Kansas City Chiefs acted quickly and had to pull their team barber out mid-cut because they learned he tested positive for COVID.

Guess you could say that it was a close shave

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zomgz0mbie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why has Cinderella been cut from every team she tried out for?

She kept running away from the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmfuzzy22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.

Sadly I was defeated.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Before Mount Rushmore was cut in

It’s natural beauty was unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: I’m trying to cut a piece of wood, but it won’t stay in place.

Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.

Wife: I don’t need your advise!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ugueth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I cut myself making a sandwich today.

They don't call it sharp cheddar for no reason.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,562 trees

β€œHow do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired

Lumberjack: β€œEasy. I keep a log.”

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the shaman cut himself when he was shaving?

Because he was the razor of the dead

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Largedump
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I cut my finger chopping cheese

but I think that I may have grater problems.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.

"6 please. I could never eat 12."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad cut himself while getting veggies

We got some bloody tomatoes

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iwantmahandback
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said: β€œOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating

But I’m not about to quit cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dollex69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the tree say after it was cut down? I can't figure it out.

I'm stumped.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unknownemoji
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.

She didn’t razor right.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy I don’t know wants to cut down the trees in my backyard

I told him β€˜I woodn’t do that if I were you’

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Demonazzzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If you cut your right butt cheek...

Are you left behind?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hosuabii
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people

It was a rare medium, but well done

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I once cut myself in an Apple store

It was because of the cutting edge technology.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Helslade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.

They swing with alot of Force.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notathrowaway2937
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who got his left part cut off?

DonΒ΄t worry, heΒ΄s alright now

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leooof321dax
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood in half with my eyes.

It’s true I saw it with my own eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with a friend who was dragging me down

Mountain climbing with a friend is very hard.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine cut his finger off at work...

I suppose he'll be getting severance pay.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

πŸ‘︎ 299
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koukasen_np
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?

He’s all right now

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
If you cut off your left hand, your right hand will be left.
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/araitisaname
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you get a hair cut?

No, I got them all cut.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vissik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you get a hair cut?

No, I got them all cut

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NidalFlame
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report

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