Why did the lion get his hair cut on his way to the Chinese restaurant?

Because he wanted a Lo Mein

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it.

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jqzzy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Tree before it gets cut down: wait! I'm a talking tree!

Lumberjack: and you will dialogue

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

I’ll take that ban now

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/archit14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut my foot whilst chopping wood

It was an axeident waiting to happen

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I were dolphin-back racing when he cut me off.

He did it on porpoise.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally cut off most of my foot

It’s almost all heeled

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lLoopl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Cardboard cut out puns

Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!

So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"

"I'm board ... cardboard"

"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"

"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NeishaJane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œ Dad did you get a hair cut?”

β€œNo I got them all cut”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Heaven_Freezer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack was about to cut off a tree when it suddenly said "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack then said: "And you will dialogue."

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/detharos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut my finger while slicing cheese.

It was extra sharp.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SketchPV
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it is phases.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a caveman cannibal's favorite cut?

Cro mignon

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
hey did you hear about the guy who cut off the left half of his body??

he’s all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with a person that was holding me back

Mountain climbing with friends is hard.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A secretary cut the elastic band used for my physiotherapy

She multitasks as a Rubber maid

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ciaboom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn't cut out to be a waiter....

I'm not very patient.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LincLoL
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I figured out the best way to cut carbs!

Buy a bagel slicer.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AzUreDr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you cut an ocean in two?

with a sea-saw

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pandacoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to cut my dads hair

When I went into the kitchen I noticed this near-empty spice bottle, when I realized what it was I had to hurry into the living room before the haircut as I pulled out this classic line with the bottle in-hand.

β€œWe have to hurry! I didn’t realize we were running out of thyme!”

I felt like the universe planted that perfectly for me.

I learned from the best, then I cut his hair.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mistafyed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey did you here about the guy who got his left hand cut off?

Yeah I hear he's all Right.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the rabbit get at the salon? A hare cut.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChristLycan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Got the left side of my body cut off.

I'm all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FrostlessIce
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it.

I know it's hard to believe, but I SAW it with my own two eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0lSherlockl0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A cut above

Everyone was so excited at the Autopsy club.....
It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak

it wasn't really sharp of him

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

He’s all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 699
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ilovemom1098
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I went and got my hair cut today, but I can't remember it

I think she spiked my hair

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kenny8138
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off?

Oh, he’s all right now...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Londoner1982
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it

It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darkone2087
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the ride sharing lanes that cut through the mountains?

Carpool tunnel

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pure_evil1979
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My dog cut his tongue.

Now he's got a crease in his pants.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InterwebWeasel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/engineerwho_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
This jerk in an expensive vehicle cut me off and expected me to get out of his way.

Ambulances, I can't stand them.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to cut down a tree

I asked her why and she says the tree always pokes her when she wants some alone time outside.

I told her the tree doesn't want to leaf her alone.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/General_Moy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
When a simple "Bye!” just doesn't cut it
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrPunSocks
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood by staring at it.

It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWarVeteran
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend had his whole left side cut off in an accident

He is all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that got his left side cut off?

It's ok, he's all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ttocs77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If I cut E by half

Does it become Party?

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manantyagi25
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died

but he has been lawn gone.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ikennaezeee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was grating some cheese then suddenly she pulled her hand away and said 'Ow, I think I cut my finger!'

I turned to her and said 'damn that is some sharp cheddar!'

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDutchArmy
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.

I'm stumped!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend bet me 100$ I wouldn't be able to get the prime cuts of meat from the top shelf.

The steaks are high.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ultim8umly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.

Dad: The steaks have never been higher.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
This should be cut!
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally cut off my right hand today

I don't feel right

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
In which my wife cuts me down to size
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally cut off my left hand today

But on the other hand, I feel all right

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I always cried when my dad cut onions

Onions was such a good dog

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/swimtomars
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Cut the potatoes into penis shapes and fill your boat with them. Now you are the captain of a ...

Dictatorship.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter why she cut all her barbies in half. . .

She replied in an unexpected country accent, "I'm dolly partin'!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlaggardWorm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He is all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MladjaLlama
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said: β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 841
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, β€œNO! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack responded, β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/articElite0
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a line of men waiting for a hair cut?

A barber queue

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the cheapest cut of meat?

Deer balls because they’re under a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jusunthepear
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If you cut a hole in a net....

If you cut a hole in a net, the net has less holes

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/judewijesena
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If you cut both your left hand and legs, you'll be alright
πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hzardous_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you ever tried to milk a cow that has been cut in half?

Udder madness.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?

He’s all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/batmanshsu
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think they're stalking me

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ignorethevoices
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Wasn’t in the mood to cut the grass.

I really need to get mowtivated.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Edward01986
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens if you cut both your feet off?

You get two feet shorter.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Holeeschite
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
If a man who cuts men's hair is a barber...

Would a woman who cuts men's hair be a Barbara?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chewygum93
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Some asshole cut off both my arms and a leg a while ago. But it's ok...

...I don't hold crutches.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnxiousYYC2018
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into the pizza shop and orders a pizza. The worker asked if he wanted it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces.

The man said 4 because he probably wasn’t going to eat 6.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mopi_is_short
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fella who tried to cut his own hair?

He was rushed to hospital with a hairline fracture

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wholesome_cream
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I hung there, wondering if someone would cut me down at the last second.

The suspense was killing me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strawbalicious
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I just had to cut my own hair and I'm not really happy with it...

But it's growing on me

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Superscoops
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to get a key cut

But there where no employees in the shop. Aren’t they key workers?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neb12345
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you cut the ocean in half?... you use a sea saw

You use a sea saw!

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hvmetalhead
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut my own hair for the first time the other day. At first, I thought I did a poor job of it...

...but it's really starting to grow on me.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastGhost18
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine had a surgery to cut off his left side

He’s alright now!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wapoosh_a_Kill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman tripped and fell off the balcony and had been cut in half. Still conscious, she was quickly rushed to the hospital...

Manager: what did the doctor say to the woman’s family? Me: after thinking ...yea I’m not sure Manager: β€œshe was ALL RIGHT.” Me: oh, I thought you were going to say β€œThere’s nothing LEFT.” The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured I’d post it here.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slammin_Salmon94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The doctor cut off both my right hand and my right leg

So with no rights im practically a woman

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hot_dwag
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
While being tortured I was asked if I'd prefer to have either my arms or legs cut off.

I was stumped.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snakesinfur
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut my own hair last week...

It was a bit too short and at first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrpoolube
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How do romans cut their hair?

With a pair of Caesars!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/evac95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut my tongue so badly it needs surgery to fix!

I can't tell you how much it hurts!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you cut wood with a tool covered in sriracha?

Hot saws.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealKingPotato
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If you cut your left hand, your right hand will be left.

Similar to... cutting both your left arm and leg makes you alright...

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hzardous_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down

Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperMegaPepega
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother wanted to stop getting his hair cut for 6 months, but now he doesn't want to get rid of his long hair anymore...

It really grew on him.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoOfEmYesterday
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Theoriginalclarky
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that got his left side cut off?

It's ok, he's all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ttocs77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryCoolPerson1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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