True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 15k
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︎ Apr 14 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Youβve heard of elf on a shelf but are you prepared for ?
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Iβve started saying mucho to my Spanish speaking friends.
π︎ 415
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︎ Apr 10 2021
I've opened a restaurant called "Peace And Quiet."
π︎ 486
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︎ Mar 23 2021
Should've becareful of your speech
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︎ Feb 04 2021
I've placed simultaneous orders for a rotisserie chicken on Uber Eats, and for an egg omelette on DoorDash
Looks like we're about to find out, once and for all, what comes first!
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︎ Apr 06 2021
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
π︎ 388
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Iβve just bought a Van Gogh coffee table... I know itβs genuine because . . .
it has a bit of veneer missing.
π︎ 45
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I've suspected my Wife of adding extra soil to our garden, so I confronted her about it, but she just shrugged it off..
π︎ 617
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Iβve lost count of the times I forgot
π︎ 8k
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I've just won an award for being the most secretive person of the year.
I can't tell you how proud that makes me.
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︎ Apr 06 2021
I've had the most emotional cake day ever
π︎ 248
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︎ Mar 11 2021
Iβve got this awful disease where I canβt stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says itβs terminal.
π︎ 270
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︎ Feb 27 2021
I've got diarrhoea, my dads got diarrhoea and my grandparents have diarrhoea....
π︎ 53
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Iβve got a friend whoβs half Indian.
π︎ 13
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︎ Apr 14 2021
So I've started wearing boxing gloves while I vacuum.
π︎ 22
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I've been building a lot of LEGO sets with my kids lately.
I'm happy to say I've been having an AFOL time!
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I've always wanted to learn how to juggle.
But I've never had the balls to do it.
π︎ 15
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︎ Apr 17 2021
Iβve trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine.
π︎ 133
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︎ Mar 21 2021
I've never put my meat there before but I've been called adventurous...
imgur.com/rxy4LtB
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 08 2021
Iβve given up asking rhetorical questions.
π︎ 84
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
π︎ 17k
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Iβve finally come up with a chronology joke.
π︎ 29
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︎ Mar 30 2021
I've just quit my job as a treadmill tester...
I just felt like I wasn't getting anywhere.
π︎ 65
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Iβve never been a watch person
But now Iβve got the time to be
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 04 2021
Iβve just been voted the most secretive person in the whole world
I canβt tell you how much this means to me
π︎ 127
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︎ Mar 06 2021
"The Road you've taken has been paved by your own decisions"
π︎ 29
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Iβve just been charged for using sandpaper to kill my victim.
I only wanted to rough him up a bit.
π︎ 83
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
π︎ 25
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Iβve started a new job repairing periscopes.
π︎ 51
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︎ Mar 15 2021
I've worked really hard and only achieved becoming a taxi driver.
I can't believe that's all I have to chauffeur it.
π︎ 76
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︎ Mar 20 2021
Iβve never been in a car accident
Iβm a wreckless driver.
π︎ 58
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︎ Mar 17 2021
I think Rick Astley should've been the captain of the ship
He wouldn't have Ever Given up.
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 28 2021
The great thing about 'reddit' is that it tells you when you've finished reading it
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 29 2021
I've been told to stop telling Dad jokes !!
Because he doesn't like them !
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 18 2021
I've never had good luck with Civil War jokes
People don't general lee find them funny
π︎ 82
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︎ Mar 02 2021
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I've been learning to moonwalk during lockdown.
I made some progress initially, but lately it just feels like I'm going backwards
π︎ 45
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︎ Mar 22 2021
My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I've had enough. I'm leaving you."
"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.
π︎ 15
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︎ Mar 22 2021
Iβve been bored recently,
so I started to take up fencing. The neighbors threatened to call the police if I didnβt put it back.
π︎ 12
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︎ Apr 09 2021
My wife told me Iβve grown as a person
Her actual word were βyouβve gotten fatβ, but I know what she meant.
π︎ 999
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︎ Jan 20 2021
They must've had wet dreams later
π︎ 27
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︎ Feb 26 2021
I hadnβt used my main in around a year but had a reason to burro back in my post history... I had forgotten about this, and I donβt mean to brag but this is the single greatest post Iβve ever made on reddit.
π︎ 25
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I'm sure you've all heard about the ship stuck in the middle of the Suez canal
If I were that captain I'd be so ashamed I'd commit Suezside
π︎ 15
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︎ Mar 25 2021
My wife says Iβm terrible at finishing things after Iβve started them.
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 27 2021
How does religion work for those who've never had ligion?
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 15 2021
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
π︎ 993
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︎ Dec 30 2020
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