Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
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︎ Nov 12 2020
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Oct 22 2020
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Iβve got this awful disease where I canβt stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says itβs terminal
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I've started a boating business from my attic.
The sails are going through the roof.
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︎ Nov 15 2020
Must've been a good reunion
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︎ Sep 20 2020
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
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︎ Oct 28 2020
Doc: "Sir, you've caught a very rare disease. "
Me: "How rare?"
Doc: "You pick the name.
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︎ Nov 06 2020
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
π︎ 30
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Iβve secretly converted to Norse Paganism
Shhh...Iβm trying to keep it Loki
π︎ 97
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︎ Nov 06 2020
I've invented a new golf ball that will automatically go into the hole if it gets within 4 inches...
DO NOT carry them in your back pocket.
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︎ Nov 05 2020
The worst pub Iβve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
π︎ 36
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︎ Nov 15 2020
I've been told to add this to my dating profile
π︎ 20
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︎ Nov 12 2020
I thought I was being very clever but Iβve been known to put my foot in my mouth.
π︎ 17
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Iβve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective
We call him Sherlock Ohms.
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︎ Nov 13 2020
It's been 6 months since I've had chicken.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jul 31 2020
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
Nobody has given me a straight answer
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︎ Sep 22 2020
I've been charged with murdering a man with sandpaper.
But, to be honest, I just intended to rough him up a bit.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.
On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.
π︎ 18
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︎ Nov 13 2020
I've just discovered the Cantonese culture of doing maths in a dark room at breakfast
Apparently they enjoy dim sums in the morning
π︎ 103
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︎ Nov 01 2020
I've just been offered a job as a human chess piece...
The money is good.
I'm on knights this week.
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︎ Oct 26 2020
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
Got anxiety and you've run out of things to Fu Man-chew?
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 06 2020
American Airlines Magazine Cover: Unsung Heroes - Sandwiches youβve never heard of but need to try
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︎ Nov 06 2020
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared βStop the count!β after Biden started making gains but Trump still couldβve shocked the world wouldβve been...
βTrumpβs Not Down For the Countβ
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︎ Nov 06 2020
I made some of my favourite puns into drawings to go on t shirts that Iβve put online! This one is my favourite βHigh Steaks Pokerβ
π︎ 24
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︎ Oct 10 2020
Iβve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner this week...
Itβs just collecting dust.
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︎ Nov 12 2020
My wife asked me if she's the only one I've been with.
I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jun 30 2020
Recently Iβve had to remove several of my posts.
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︎ Oct 14 2020
Pokemon cards? Yeah i've got a small collection.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jun 17 2020
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, and Iβve heard neither of them ever tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
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︎ Sep 27 2020
If youβve heard of Murphyβs Law you must have heard of Coleβs law
... itβs shredded cabbage
Edit: I personally hate coleslaw and thought it was made of lettuce.
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 01 2020
2020 hasn't been all bad. I've been doing fine off my OCD meds now for about..
..6 months, 15 days, 9 hours, and coming up to 12 minutes..now
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 16 2020
I've been listening to Pink Floyd for an hour.
I think I'll skip to track 2 now.
π︎ 14
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︎ Nov 04 2020
I've been trying to organise the World Hide and Seek Championships...
Good players are hard to find.
π︎ 38
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︎ Nov 07 2020
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jun 24 2020
After my failed attempt at growing vegetables this year, I've decided to become a music producer.
I've got a ton of sick beets.
π︎ 308
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︎ Sep 07 2020
When you finish all the ranch on your salad, youβve effectively undressed the salad.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 28 2020
I've just written a book about falling down a staircase
It's a step by step guide
π︎ 139
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︎ Sep 23 2020
I've invented a chloroform body spray.
Ladies are always falling for me.
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 03 2020
"Okay rookie, the first thing you've got to learn about making pornography for the blind is: Voice Projection."
"That sounds hard."
"Thank you. I'm a professional."
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︎ Oct 28 2020
I've just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sisters room...
Had no idea she was a superhero.
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︎ Nov 05 2020
What do you call Batman and Robin after they've been steam-rolled?
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Letting you all know that I've volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials held here in Melbourne. I received my first shot at 9.00 am this morning
Itβs completely safe with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveΡ, and im currently feelshΞΊΞΉ ΟoΟoshΟ Ρ ΡΡΠ²ΡΡΠ²ΡΡ ΡΠ΅Π±Ρ Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ ΡΡΡΠ°Π½Π½ΠΎ ΠΈ Ρ Π΄ΡΠΌΠ°Ρ, ΡΡΠΎ Π²ΡΡΠ°ΡΠΈΠ» ΠΎΡΠ»ΠΈΠ½ΡΠ΅ ΡΡΠΈ.
π︎ 109
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︎ Sep 17 2020
I've finally fused marijuana with hard liquor!
Go on, take pot shots at my invention!
π︎ 12
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︎ Nov 04 2020
I've asked so many people what lgbtq stands for
So far I haven't gotten a straight answer
π︎ 63
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︎ Nov 13 2020
The worst pub Iβve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
π︎ 618
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︎ Aug 16 2020
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says it terminal
π︎ 361
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
Iβve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
π︎ 13k
π
︎ May 10 2020
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