I've had the most emotional cake day ever
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I don’t know what he laced them with but, I’ve been tripping all day....
I’ve waited five days and tried three times to post, Two men walk into a bar
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
I’ll never forget the day I saw the ugliest man I’ve ever seen.
The dude thought it was funny to copy my every move, he’s lucky there was a pane of glass between us.
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"
My response: "144? That's a gross"
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared “Stop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...
“Trump’s Not Down For the Count”
I've been changing pillowcases all day...
Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now.
Not in a row or anything. Just... total.
I've been sitting quietly under citrus trees all day, and I must say...
I've just started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing it…
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why. I mean...
The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking”.
I don't know why people are complaining there's nothing to do. I've been stockpiling the whole day.
My wife looked at me the other day and said “You’re not listening to anything I’ve said!”
I said to her “There are better ways to start a conversation.”
I've got a friend who is an owl, and the other day he told me he's getting married....
So I said, you twit to who?
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
I've been staying home all day browsing through Quora
I guess I was Quorantined.
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
I got rid of that hair lice I've been having for a couple weeks the other day.
That problem's finally out of my hair.
I've just discovered my days are numbered.
Today is the 110th day of the year.
I’ve been solving derivatives everyday, for a week and I haven’t been able to do more than 20 a day.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before."
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"
The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.
Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.
So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.
The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together".
So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.
But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"
I've never been able to beat my school's high jump record and it keeps me up at night to this day...
So I just had my first day at my new job at Subway... My boss told me they've never seen someone as bad as me...
I've been throwing bear puns at my partner all day but finally had to stop
They were going into Kodiak arrest
I’ve been constipated for days but I don’t really care.
I just don’t give a shit.
When I've been on Reddit for 365 days and nothing happens
I've never met this person IRL but every time I post a food picture, he adds a related pun and it always brightens my day.
This is the worst pun i‘ve seen all day
I've been practicing for marathons every single day.
I think that will help me a lot in the long run.
So for the past several days, I've been sending my friend a dad joke per day. I hoped at least one would make him laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
(And yes, I really did, just to make this joke to him. The resulting groan was worth the ten-day setup :p)
It's only 5am and I am done with the internet for the day. I've peaked.
When you’ve had a hard day at work and you just wanna take a....
A silly idea I've had for a while and today seemed like a good day to draw it.
imgur.com/a/nJza5
I've been sober for 90 days
I've been getting the bus to work since I dislocated my thumb and today was my first day cycling again. I was a little nervous...
But thankfully it was just like riding a bike!
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why...
The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking."
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
So I bought some new shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why...
The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking."
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why...
The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking."
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