Explained the cause of the FL sinkholes to my wife this morn.
Her - You know why all these houses are falling into the ground right?
Me - of course! They're built on "Holy" ground.
groan....
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
So I'm walking down stairs with my 2 year old son this morning when my wife calls from the kitchen...
"Hey, you boys Wahstarving?"
"umm... what?"
"Cause I've got WAHFULLS!"
(She was so proud, a decent dad joke from the mama panda)
After doing my morning crunches, I ate an entire pizza.
I consider it an act of abnegation.
What's a hangman do first thing in the morning?
I had to fire our fruit delivery guy this morning
he was driving me bananas
My friends daily morning torture, as delivered by yours truly
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
I wasn't feeling well this morning...
So, I took my gloves off.
My Son came up to me this morning and said "Don't be sad".
Cuz "sad" backwards is "das". And das no good.
So proud
My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.
I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.
People don’t believe that grass is wet in the morning.
I offered to carpool with the security guy this week but I totally forgot to pick him up this morning. When he got to work later her was furious and punched me in the back of the head.
It’s my own fault, I’ll never let my guard down again.
Just went to Starbucks this morning
The barista was wearing a face mask. I asked “Why are you wearing a surgical mask?” She said “I’m not, it’s a coughy filter.”
I made scrambled eggs this morning.
My boss walked into my office this morning and handed me a brochure on anger management.
Every morning, I like to stand in front of a mirror and think about all the good things I've done.
It's just a moment of reflection.
Because of the covid-19 lockdowns, every morning for the past year, I announce proudly to my family that I’m going for a jog… and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
What's the favorite morning beverage of skeptics?
When I woke up this morning, I saw a bird of prey sitting in my backyard eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
...I don’t have time for this crap!
A little boy asks his dad, "Do trees poop?"
The dad says, "Of course. Where do you think #2 pencils come from?"
This morning my son said his ear hurt
I said "on the inside or outside?"
He walks out the front door, comes back in and says: "Both"
Our trash man tried to make a Dad joke this morning.
But it was a load of rubbish.
My son video called me this morning
He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name then video?”
I saw a pet shop selling cats from Holland this morning
So I walked in and asked them....
..... How Dutch is that Moggie in the window!
My mom tries to wake me up in the morning with coffee, but honestly...
A garbage man in Oklahoma was doing the rounds one morning
He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch.
The garbage man called out ‘Hey! Where’s ‘ya bin?’
The guy replies ‘I’ve been in Florida’
The garbage man says ‘No, no. I meant where’s your wheely bin?’
The guys says ‘I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve been in Florida’.
What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
Every morning, my neighbour gets on his tractor and starts yelling “The end is near!”
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning.
It would be truly alarming.
This morning I saw an animal trailer transporting a few female sheep
I thought they were usually ram packed
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough.
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
My neighbor, Mr. Coffee, came stumbling into the police station this morning.
Apparently, he had been mugged.
Went out in rain this morning but got hit on the head with a car part.
It was raining Datsun Cogs.
This morning I had fried eggs, fried bread, fried potatoes and refried beans....
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
Tiger Woods was in a car accident this morning...
Being able to wake up every morning
Has been a real eye opener for me
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
I took my car for a service yesterday morning.
The pastor told me to get out, as I was blocking the aisle.
People don’t think the grass be wet in the morning
Some people think grass isn't wet in the morning.
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