That certainly wasn’t the Eiffel I was expecting
Everyone got out to pee and get snacks. I stretched getting out of the car and I farted. My 16yo daughter said, "Dad, that's gross."
I said, "Why? After all we are at the GAS station."
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
He replies, "the state of confusion!"
"What did Washington say to his men before they crossed the Deleware?" "What dad?" "Get in the boat, men!"
We were collecting all the left over currency we had and giving it to my father so he could store it. My sister mentioned she had a few coins. My father said he didn't want any cents, just franks. My sister replies: But don't you want frankincense? (frank an' cents)
Me: What did they have at the farm?
Son: Pumpkins and gourds.
Me: Did you get to pick one out to take home?
Son: I got a gourd because it looked cool. /shows us multi colored, striped gourd
Me: Gourd for you!
Son: /slightly confused... Yes, I got this gourd.
Me: So... would you say you had a ... gourd time?
Son: Ya, I had a gourd time.
Wife: /groans again.
Me: He gets these jokes now. He's all... gourd up now.
Son: Oh, gourd!
Q: How do Hong Kongers cozy up? A: They dim some.
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I... keep reading on reddit ➡
This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.
I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.
Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"
I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.
A young man worked at a carpet selling business and one day his boss came up to him and said:
"We have been impressed with how you sell the products. We're going to send you to a carpeting convention in Las Vegas so you can learn all the tricks of the trade. We will pay for your flights, accommodation, and all your food!"
The young man was excited and went and got ready for his trip. The day of the trip came and the young man's boss called and asked him if he was excited for his adventure to which the young man replied:
"Yes I am! I'm gonna seize the day because I've got a carpet per diem"
Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, “The items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.
20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.
The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightni... keep reading on reddit ➡
I was talking with a friend. He said he wanted to surprise his wife with a trip up north, to the land of the midnight sun. I said "Alaska?" he said "NO! DONT! I said I want it to be a surprise!"
"Anyone need to go? Speak now or forever hold your pees!"
Dad - "Oh look, butterflies!"
Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)
Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,
Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.
Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.
So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.
Answer these 3 questions in your reply:
She asked, "is this the highest point in Thailand?"
I replied, "i don't know, it's up there".
The glances exchanged in that moment were some of my fondest memories of that trip.
Reporter goes to a brand new fish farm. The owner is showing her around. "These are our salmon, our trout are over there..." As the owner is speaking, reporter trips & her billfold falls into the nearest tank. It floats away, carried by the artificial current.
Reporter asks if the owner has a pool skimmer or something. Owner proudly says "No need, just watch - these fish are smart!"
Reporter watches as her billfold pops above the surface on the nose of a fish. The wallet is then tossed up, and another catches it.
This goes on until the last fish tosses the lost leather case into the reporter's hands. "That's amazing," she says.
Owner grins & says "Yep! We're proud of our carp-to-carp walleting!"
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’... keep reading on reddit ➡
But there were some baby goats there using alchemy to paper money into coins near the exit. As I rushed out the door, I tripped over some of their stacks of coins, which knocked me out til the police showed up.
I was so close! And, honestly, I would have gotten away with it too... if it weren't for those metaling kids.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an off
The trip was up and down.
Especially, when I'm all gassed up and ready for a road trip
A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.
She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!
The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.
A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were final... keep reading on reddit ➡
On a road trip, so we are playing "the alphabet game." We pick a topic, then take turns going up the alphabet until someone gets stuck.
Topic is "things that will kill you."
M.... "megalodon" says the average 10yo boy
N.... "not buckling up" says the cautious 14 yo daughter
O.... "ONOMATOPOEIA!" Shouts the unconventional 12yo girl. "Bam! Pow! Boom!"
We have a winner!
Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.
Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.
One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.
Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it... keep reading on reddit ➡
Last night my dad fell down the stairs and broke his hip. Mom took him to the ER and I met them there. The nurse comes in to ask what happen and my dad explained he tripped going up the stairs. Nurse tries to joke that “stairs are jinky fellas always trying to trip people” to which I relied “yup, can’t trust ‘um, they are always up to something”.
Not exactly a dadjoke, but she learned from the best.
So, it was last sunday and we did a family trip to the zoo with the whole family. Now our kids are 3 1/2 and 1/2 and we named them after strong animals, think "Leoni" (the Lioness) and "Falc" (the Falcon), not exactly those names, but you get the gist. We decided about our daughter's name about 4 years ago.
While we were standing at the entrance queue, my wife gently stroked our daughter's hair, lifted up our son, placing a kiss on his forehead, looked at me smiling and said:
"I have been waiting for this so long!"
"Uhm, to stand in line at the zoo?"
"No, honey, to .... take our zoo to the zoo!"
My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. M... keep reading on reddit ➡
Dad and I are on a fishing trip and we have to get up pretty early. My dad was feeling tired and at the breakfast table says "I am just so bagged". To which I replied "I guess that makes you a Baghdad". He never saw it coming.
On our last day of a three day trip at Disneyland, my 7 year old revealed his inner father to my wife.
>wife: This backpack is good but could use more shoulder padding.
Son, with a shit eatin' grin, walks up and pats her on the shoulders.
I have never been so proud.
Was driving with my teenage daughter picking up a few items for a trip she is about to take.
Sitting at a red light on the way home, I told her that when she got home she really needs to watch out for ghosts. She looked at me and asked why.
Because you’ve gotta pack, man.
Recently, we had a hostile power takeover. A new mod got power hungry and went on a nice little editing spree.
Pics of carnage: Here
He/she has been banned from the subreddit, and submissions are back to normal.
I somehow ended up as the lackey here, and I've never been a subreddit mod before, so bear with me. I've put things back to their defaults, so submissions can resume normally.
##Tl;dr guy goes on power trip, he's gone, things back to normal, I have no clue what I'm doing.
I don't really know what he laced them up with, but I was tripping all day.
So, I went to this garage sale advertised in my area, and these people lived on this hill, so I was driving really hoping that it was worth it. And OH. MY. GOD. I found the cutest coaster ever. It was a work of art, and I was so intrigued to find out that it was the last thing the owner's great grandmother had made. And so as I was heading back to my car, I tripped, and the coaster got sent flying down the hill on it's side, only breaking when it hit a tree on the way down. To ease up tensions, I chuckled a bit.
I laughed, they cried, it was a roller-coaster of emotions.
A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.
Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"
Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"
Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up int... keep reading on reddit ➡
Last week I was flying home from a business trip out of Dallas/Ft. Worth. I'm in line waiting to board and in front of me is a vulture. He's dragging a squirrel carcass behind him in one hand and a dead possum in the other. The line is moving pretty quick until the vulture gets to the ramp and winds up in an argument with the guy scanning tickets. The attendant at the gate says to the vulture, "sir, you are only permitted one piece of carrion."
We were talking about our upcoming camping trip this morning:
Mom - I think I have a flashlight lying around somewhere.
Me - But headlamps are really where it's at if you;re camping.
Mom - But then I couldn't drink...
Me - wha...why not?
Mom - 'Cause I'd be a miner.
She had to hang up on me because she was cry-laughing at work.
Some of the kids attending are:
Sally Buckteeth and her family of farmers,
Larry the Lefty and his fam of circus freaks,
And Johnny no-feet and his family of midgets.
They were all excited for their tour of the dairy farm, and the CEO himself stood up to speak: "OK, everyone, a few ground rules: due to the industrial nature of the farm, mandatory steel-toed boots and a minimum height requirement are in effect."
The assistant pipes up- "Sir, one of the kids can't attend the trip!"
CEO- "Oh no, which one?"
The assistant replied, " Little Johnny, the one that lacks toes and taller aunts."
Recently I took a very spontaneous last minute trip across the country. It really cleared my head from all the nonsense in my life right now. A friend of mine got inspired by that and said fuck it, I'm going somewhere random too (he ended up deciding Zion Park in Utah). He texted me that he was getting anxious about it and was about to back out, so I replied "You can't back out now, you said you want to do something crazy so do it. Utah-k the talk, now you gotta walk the walk."
A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with m... keep reading on reddit ➡
I dad joked my wife today. It's my birthday. My wife asked, "You have had 49 trips around the sun. What do you think of them so far?". Of course, the only reply is, "Enlightening.". She was speechless. My son lit up with laughter.
The other day I went out looking for a good trip; ended up a Mormon.
While my dad (Frank) was planning a trip to America he said "When I'm in America, they'll change San Francisco to San Frankcisco!"
I looked up and responded with "Yeah, I heard after some Scandinavian guy visited New York it was changed to New Björk"
Looks of disapproval all around. I did it.
I was just coming back from a camping trip with a whole bunch of stuff, trying to get it into the house.
My parents both walk up.
My mom: "Do you want a hand?"
My parents look at me and both start clapping.
I'm a chaperone for my wife's (5th grade teacher) trip to a local dam...
W: I can't get a hold of the people at the dam to remind them we're coming today.
Me: They're probably backed up.
Full disclosure, I'm just a guy in his mid-20s - not a dad, though with my cheesy sense of humor I may as well be. Wanted to share one of my prouder examples of that today.
Anyways, a couple friends and I were visiting another friend out of town, and we'd been eating quite a bit on our trip (and not the healthiest stuff either). I randomly decided to weigh myself and found that I was 158 lbs, which was a bit alarming because I had just been around 150 a week or two prior.
Came downstairs and the topic of how much we'd been eating came up. I mentioned my weight of 158, and one of my friends went "Damn, how did that happen?" And I swear to god, without even thinking, this just came out:
"Well I was 150... and then I eight."
I was told this belonged here..
When I was about 13 yrs old, I was playing basketball at the rec league by my house. During one of the games, an opponent was fouled. So we are lined up waiting for him to shoot his foul shots, and my coach sends in a substitute player for me. So I'm jogging towards the bench. When I get about 10-15ft away from the bench, I tripped and slide head-first into the bench. The whole gym let's out an, "ooohhh....", and just as it gets quiet, my dad stands up on the other side of the gym and like an umpire in baseball yells, "SAFE!"
After the game, I yelled at him for it. His response... "Hey, I could've called you 'out!'"
I answered "Where time travelers get tripped up when telling stories"
When my wife and I shop, she tends to go up and down the aisles, and I'll take a few trips to get hamburger, fish, whatever. So we're checking out and she notices I grabbed a pack of sausages.
"Wow that's a lot of sausages."
"Yeah, they were on sale. Super cheap."
"...actually, they're hot."
"LAME! OH THAT WAS LAME!"
So, both my dad and my little brother got back from trips recently. My dad, from Europe, my little brother, from his band trip up in Boston. As we discussed the trips, my little brother told us all about how the band buys up an entire plane in order to get enough seats.
Him "All the seats were band, it was awesome."
Me "If all the seats were banned, how could you sit there?"
After which I was told to eat in my room.
I picked up some friends from the airport who were traveling back from a Holiday trip around Europe last night. After asking them how they were, one of my friends were complaining about their left ear feeling full and they couldn't hear out of it. So naturally, I looked over and asked, "So you're alright, then?"
I went to visit my girlfriend's family for dinner tonight. The grandparents are there, parents, grandkids, everyone!
We're all sitting in the living room talking. I turn around and look at a picture on the wall from when the family was in Disney World. I had mentioned I have never been before and the following conversation happened :
Grandmother: What?! I thought everyone had been! We would of taken more trips but he (points to grandfather) is afraid of flying!
Grandfather: My arms get too tired!
Everyone groans and he and I bust up laughing!
He and I are going to get along great!
So last night I was at the movies with a few friends, seeing the Jungle Book. At one point during the movie, my friend Faith got up to get a refill on her popcorn and drink. When she got back, she complained to me that she tripped on the stairs and spilled her popcorn that she just had refilled. I looked her in the eye and said, "I guess you could say you Faith-planted".
Black Friday shopping with my dad and we make a trip out to the car to drop off our bags. There must have been no other parking spots left because as we were unloading, a car pulls up and asks us, "Are you two going out?" My dad replies, "No, we're related."
All while planning next year's big trip to Disneyland.
Wife: We can make our daughter wear a dress!
MiL: Yeah she could wear a tu-tu!
Me: Well if we're going all out, why don't we just get her a three-three!
MiL to Wife: You know you could wear a tu-tu too!
Me: The math still adds up, so we are getting a three-three!
Wife: Shut up.
Thanks, I'm here all week.
Just a few weeks ago I was on a camping trip with my friends and we were staying in a friends cabin out on their private property. During the day when there wasn't much to do it was fun to get on a few ATV's we had and drive around. Through no fault of my own, I incidentally couldn't make a turn and crashed through a barb wire fence and sliced open my Neck, during the time I was being prepared for a helicopter ride to a Hospital rather far away I poked up from the stretcher while my friends watched and stated: "With all this Adrenaline and this IV, I guess you could say I'm feeling pretty 'wired'. " It was the proudest moment of my trip.
So, we are going on a trip and I asked what I should pack...
Her: Warm Clothes Me: But my closet is cold, do I have to warm them up in the dryer before I pack them?
Her, not amused...
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a constructi... keep reading on reddit ➡
So my dad and I are driving home from a camping trip. We pull over at a rest stop to grab some dinner. Looking up at the sky, I see the moon is at a crescent. I say to him "Do you think it's waning?" While pointing at the moon. Without looking up, he responds "Waning? It's not even cwoudy!"
My Dad sent me this list of punny sayings last Christmas. It explains a lot...
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't l... keep reading on reddit ➡
My dad is on a business trip out of state, so she feels it's her responsibility to fill in regarding jokes.
We were talking about my old SATs;
Me: I'm sure that if I'd have taken them after brushing up on math, I'd have scored higher. Her: Oh I know you would've. Me: Eh, the SAT is just a number. Her: No it's not! They're letters. S, A, T giant grin
Friend: "How were the two countries"
Me: "Well there were lots of mountains in Switzerland and basicly none in Denmark"
Friend: "So you could say your trip had ups and downs"
To set the scene I am in a Walgreens, specifically the shampoo/body wash aisle.
Employee knocks a few bottles of shampoo on the floor
Employee: "Whoops, how clumsy of me."
Me: "At least the bottles aren't glass, that would have been a lot worse."
Employee: "Yeah, that's true."
Me: "Although if they were glass clean-up would've been pretty easy because there would be soap all over the floor."
Employee pity laughs
Best trip to Walgreens ever.
So this thing flew into my wife's ear last night. After a trip to the emergency room to get it out and take care of the excruciating pain caused by the bug moving around in her ear canal I started up on the dad jokes.
'Huh, looks like you caught a bug'
'I guess that was bugging you'
'You were acting kind of buggy with that in your ear'
'Did we just see a bug's life?'
I enjoyed them immensely. My wife just rolled her eyes at me.
For clarification, Forest Hill is an elementery school in our town.
Anyway, we were driving to go get pho, and I was joking about his sister getting kidnapped because she's on a trip to China.
Him: Oh! Speaking of kidnapping, did you hear about the kidnapping at Forest Hill?
Me: No?! When did that happen?!
Him: It's okay, he woke up.
He kept chuckling pridefully to himself that he came up with that joke for a good ten mintutes.
Almost every road trip growing up my dad would tell the same joke when a bug hit the window. "Hey coolifiparkhere." "Yeah, dad?" "What was the last thing to go through his head?" "What?" "His ass!"
They're talking about sleeping arrangements for an upcoming trip that we're all taking, and he brings up the idea of us sleeping in a tent.
Girlfriend: I don't really care, I just like his company.
Girlfriend's dad: He owns a business? I knew I liked this kid.
Well, tell it to be careful. If it trips and falls it could get boogered up.
I guess this is a thing now, Coleslaw sandwiches. They've even got a special bread for it. I was intrigued, so I made a special trip to pick one up.
I bought the slaw and the slaw bun
I bought the slaw and the slaw bun.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this... keep reading on reddit ➡
My family was sitting round the table for our bi-weekly dinner, and the conversation was about my Brothers GF's recent trip to Paris. My Dad perked up from his food when the River Seine was mentioned asking "Did you see anyone jump it? Because if you had than they were Insane!"
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends,
family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much
on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
**I may ha... keep reading on reddit ➡
Taking a long road trip with our almost 2-year-old in the backseat. Shoe comes flying up into my wife's lap. This is a common occurrence.
Wife: "Why does he always take off his right shoe?"
Me: "Because he knows better than to take off the wrong one?"
She threw the shoe at my head. He laughed. It was worth it.
We were getting some gear set up for a camping trip this weekend and it went kind of like this.
Dad: Make sure that your compass is working correctly.
Me: Ok I check it and it works. It's slightly off of true north by a couple of degrees, but that is common.
Dad: Does it work?
Me: Yes, to a degree
We both got a good chuckle out of that.
In the car with my brother and parents, heading out to a restaurant. Brother brings up a ski trip we're going on...
Brother: "I'm probably going to take it easy for the first day or two. Ski a couple blue squares, just do some minor things-"
Dad: "Dig for gold?"
So I just got to Panama City today on business. I'm traveling with 6 other coworkers, and we had a chauffeur pick us up from the airport in his van. There was room for all of us to sit; however there was no room inside the van for all our luggage. The driver decides to store all the luggage on top of the van - only problem is this is Central America and it rains A LOT. One of my coworkers said "I really hope it doesn't rain with all our luggage on top of the van". To which I replied, "Yeah, that would really put a damper on our trip". Needless to say I got a few pity laughs :)
So we are all standing around eating dessert and my girlfriend is explaining to my dad how she burnt the cookies. I attempt to quell her stresses by telling her "don't worry, me and my dad are crisponians and have a deeper taste for crisp". My father responds with "I may be a crisponian but this might be crisponite". Everyone in the room was laughing except for my 13 year old sister, it was priceless.
This is the same guy that, on a road trip (shortly after the wendy's "finger in chili incident"), was trying to persuade us to visit the establishment whilst passing by. When i said i didn't want to he said "What's the matter don't you like finger food?". He followed up with "Wendy's: We put a little bit of ourselves into everything we make.". And finally simultaneously made every passenger pee their pants when he raised a clenched fist and said "WENDY"S! WERE #1!!".
The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of... keep reading on reddit ➡
I was half asleep in the passenger seat of my Dad's car while one a road trip. Suddenly my dad wakes me up.
Dad: "Heeeeey!" Me: "What? What?" Dad: points out window at a field of hay bales
I laughed way too hard at that.
I was at the airport waiting for my flight home the other night when over the P.A they asked everyone from flight DJ-478 to Sydney to make their way to the service desk, so myself and my fellow passengers make our way over to the desk, where the very embarrassed and obviously distressed desk worker informs us that our flight has been cancelled, and the next one isn't till the morning, she then tells us that the airport will happily put us up in the 5 star hotel around the corner, and have us dropped back at the airport at 7am the following morning. Most the people there accepted this, after the desk lady told us it was for our personal safety and that there wasn't a lot more they could do, except this one particular gentleman, who storms over to the desk, and tells the woman that he needed to be in sydney tonight, and demands a flight be made available. (It's like 9:30 by this point, surely it could wait till the morning?). After again apologizing to the man, she tells him that won't... keep reading on reddit ➡
Context: Were picking up my sister at the airport (she was on a Europe trip with her friends) and my we were wondering where her friends' parents are (one of them is Indian).
My dad: "There not here because they're smart. They know it will take them 30 minutes to get through customs, so they're not rushin' "
Me: "No they're not, they're Indian,"
He gave me a sarcastic laugh.
Not so much a joke, but just something my dad does:
Whenever we go out to eat, he must sense when the waiter/waitress is going to ask if we're ready for the bill, he pulls out his wallet and in one smooth motion presents he the credit card and says "Let me give you this now and save you the trip."
He must have a sixth sense about cause I have never been able to pull off that maneuver as easily. He might of been doing it subconsciously, because the one time I bring it up and tease him a little; he stopped doing it.
Legend has it once as he handed the card to the waitress she said, "Oh, that will save me a trip!" However I was not there so who really knows what happened that day.
He is on his annual week long fishing trip and I wasnt able to go this year so he's been sending me pictures of some of his better fish. He sends me a pic of a nice 4lbs Largemouth Bass with a cheeky smile. So I call and I ask him what he caught it on and without any delay and being completely serious..."a hook"...I sigh and just hang up on him haha
While driving 11 kids and one adult home from a weekend trip, I had this gem.
One of kids pointed out a trampoline sales place, so the (only) obvious response was:
Yea, their sales are up and down.
I got a collective groan from everybody, and it was grand.
Last Mother's Day, I surprised my parents by making an unannounced day-trip back home from college (3 hours away). When I got home, my sister had just gotten off work and needed to be picked up. She texted my dad, "Send someone to pick me up." My Dad sent me to get her from work, and she obviously wasn't expecting me. On the drive back, unbeknownst to me, my sister had texted my dad "Trieclipse doesn't count." Suddenly my sister bursts out laughing. My Dad had texted back, matter-of-factly, "He can count to 10."
Anyone: "What are ya up to?"
Dad: "Ohh, bout 5'10. You?"
If he sees anyone trip or stumble --
Dad: "Watch out, there's a little pocket of gravity there..."
So me and my family were on our way to Florida for a trip to Universal and Harry Potter world. The five of us were crammed in one of the shuttles that you ride to get to the airport from the far hinterland where you park your car. My little brother, ever the curious one, is asking my mom about our upcoming flight. He asks "So where are we sitting on the flight?" My dad, who up until this point hadn't contributed much to the conversation, got the gleam of a dad in his eye. He gave a smirk and, before my mother could reply, said "Well I don't know about you, but I'll be sitting on my ass."