A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...

He replies, "Arkansas".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dominant_Dankster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
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A Scotsman stumbles out of the bar and as he is walking down the street, he walks past a girl.

The girl asks, β€œis it true that there’s nothing under that kilt of yours?” The Scotsman replies, β€œwhy don’t you reach under and see for yourself?” The girl reaches under his kilt and quickly removes her hand. β€œDear god, that’s gruesome!”

The Scotsman replied back β€œAye, and if you reach up under there again, you’ll see it’s gruesome more.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jetmover78
πŸ“…︎ May 10
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A man stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes.

Man: β€œFor my first wish I'd like to be rich."

Genie: β€œAlright Rich, what's your second wish".

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsVinay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
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2 conspiracy theorists stumble upon each other,

it can't be a coincidence

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S_yNtaX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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I read about one famous detective. Man was always catching criminals by simple luck. Either he would just luckily stumble across damning evidence or luckily catch the criminal in the act.

I think his name was Sheer luck Holmes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clahws
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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I love the fleeting second of shock you get when you stumble over an extension cord.

Seriously, what a power trip.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JediWithBenefits
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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Everytime i stumble when walking

Everytime im out walking with my dad and i manage to trip, he always hits me with "Enjoy your trip?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xkingxdreadx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
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What did redditor say when he stumbled upon a mouse nest with 69 of them there?

Ah, Mice.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KevinK15
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
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I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.

I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/U4gotmycheese
πŸ“…︎ May 03
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Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:

β€œYou finally found it, my secret stache”

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jacaboi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
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My beekeeping brother stumbled upon my collection of honeybee legs, screaming "What the hell is this?"

I responded, "It's none of your bee's knees."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
Stumbled across an unforseen pun
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sam-Galloway
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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A cow stumbled into a pot field!

The steaks have never been higher.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_AmazingAmanda_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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Two police officers were investigating a murder scene.

They stumble upon a humanoid cement figure.

Officer 1: "Sir, we've found all the evidence we need to prove that this is the murderer's house."

Officer 2: "Why would anyone believe that this is evidence?"

Officer 1: "It's concrete."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brawl_nOyOu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
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I was naturally excited to have stumbled upon this sub, the goldmine of dadjokes. Couldn’t wait to use one of it...so one day while I was browsing, my son asked what was I reading? I took a deep breath of absolute euphoria and satisfaction, grinned widely and said, β€œThey r/dadjokes.”

The son said, β€œWhat’s slash dad jokes?” Kids, right!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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I just stumbled on this subreddit, and I'd like explain why (from an outsider's perspective) this sort of thing is not my cup of tea.

It's because this is my cup of tea.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aspacecodyssey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2015
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A friend of mine stumbled over a hole and fell.

Now, he has trypophobia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lykanthrocide
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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I just randomly stumbled across a place that sells random little things in the middle of nowhere

It was quite bazaar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBritishSnob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
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I stumbled across a teeny tiny pepper on my way inside.

It was a little chilly outside.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajd011394
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
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Stumbled across this comment thread
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TehCatalyst
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2015
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I went to a friends house party and stumbled onto a cabinet full of jelly....

I guess you could say the party was jam-packed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jokoboko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

The driver said, "If you are sick on one of my seats I will charge you Β£50."

Thankfully I was sick on three of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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Stumbled across this today. That's enough Internet for me.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megalomaniac71
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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So I just stumbled across a bunch of videos made by a potato

So far he's my favorite YouTuber

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gratethecheese
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
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I saw a crowd of chess enthusiasts talking about how good they were when I was going into the theatre...

.... they were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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A Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman walk into a park and see a slide. This is no ordinary slide, mind you, this slide is magic!

Anything you say as you're going down the slide is what you will land in.

The Irishman goes first.

"A POT OF GOLD!" he yells as he slides down and he lands in a pot of gold.

The Welshman goes next.

"POT OF DIAMONDS!" he yells just as loud as the Irishman and he lands in a pot of diamonds.

The Englishman goes next, but he's been on the drink, so he stumbles his way up the slide, then, as he begins his journey down the slide, he yells, "WEEEEE!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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Restaurant I stumbled upon in a food court last night imgur.com/gFAniWv
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderCunningham
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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Stumbled across this pun, had me giggling for quite some time.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/windir8
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2013
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The Bacon Tree

The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confused and scoffs 'Imposseeble! You cannot grow BaycON on a tree!'. 'Come! And I weel show you ze bacon tree!'. So Jean-Luc & Jean-Pierre set off down the river, with Jean-pierre providing direction to the enigmatic 'bacon tree'. Finally, they pulled over onto a small beach that lead to a large forest. 'Stay 'ere and watch ze canoe, and I weel bring ze bacon back from ze bacon tree!' said John-Pierre. Hours go by and John-Pierre hasn't returned. As night falls, and Jean-Luc is about to enter the forest to look for his friend, he hears a rustling in the nearby brush, to which Jean-Pierre stumbles out, bloody and with arrows through his legs and arms. 'Jean-Pierre! What 'appened!!' exclaim

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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Just stumbled on this sub. It's the reason my Dad exists.

So the joke goes "You know, James Madison was a naturalist. A lot of people don't know that. He really loved the environment and care a lot about wildlife. In fact, he tried to put protecting wildlife into the bill of rights, but a lot of people don't know that he was dyslexic too. So when he was writing the 2nd amendment he wrote the right to bear arms, but what he meant was the right to arm bears!"

Just went on a tour of revolutionary battlegrounds (truly amazing if you ever get the chance) and that joke was told in excess of 50 times, no exaggeration.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyrusGreat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2013
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This number is ineffable!

Stumbled into this at work today:

Me: I wish people would stop messing with the number I wrote down. It's ineffable.

Coworker: Then why are they eff-ing with it?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maveri4201
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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Stumbled across this dad joke in my math book

http://i.imgur.com/P95DARu.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/White_Shade
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Stumbled across this online (sorry if repost)

http://i.imgur.com/vytt9Ep.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmashMetal
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
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Re

I see you've stumbled across my Re-post

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Holyragdoll
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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3 friends get lost in the woods.

They stumble across a genie Genie: I will grant each of you 1 wish Guy 1: I wish to go home Guy 2: I wish to go back home Guy 3: now im lonely, I wish my friends were here

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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How do you catch a unique bird?

Easy! Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame bird? Tame way, unique up on it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToeKneeh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2017
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So my wife wondered how the pancakes got into our shopping trolly

I said maybe they crΓͺped in there.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Omni314
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2016
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Pony Piano

A man walks into a crowded, smokey club. He sits at a empty table, next to many nicely dressed men and women. They are all facing a piano lit by a spotlight. Everyone begins to clap as a horse walks out on two legs. Wearing a tailored suit, it sat in front of the ivory keys. In a panic of anxiety it stumbled down the keys, striking random and disjointing notes. As everyone in attendance held there ears, the man stood up and yelled "That's one phoney pony."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NagasConundrum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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An entire auditorium groaned...

I have a course in religious symbols at university, and we had an assignment to go around town and take pictures of random religious symbols we would stumble over. Next lecture the Professor had made a collection of the best pictures into a powerpoint and we were to spend two hours analyzing them.
After about an hour we came to this picture of a wiccan pentagram in the window above a animalshelter, and the professor asked: "Why do you think this is here?" before I even had time to think, and stop my self I bursted: Maybe a dyslectic thought it was a PETAgram?
Alot of bored students life got a tad more depressing after that...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GenJohnnyN
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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Honey Story

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, afte

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fishamaphone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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My 2yr old daughter got me good.

She loves when I spin her around by the arms so I do it quite often because she gets a real kick out of it. After one epic swing I put her down and stumble around the room saying "I'm dizzy, I'm dizzy!" she shouts back at me "you're not dizzy, you're dad!"

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dat_asthma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2017
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Only cabbage for Christmas

So my wife was rooting through my desk to get an envelope and stumbled across one of her Christmas presents that I hadn't wrapped yet. I told her that she's bad for snooping and that I would have to send it back.

Due to recent environmental regulations and the price of coal, it is no longer given to naughty people for Christmas. Instead you get a cabbage. It will come thinly sliced with mayonnaise.

This is known as Coal's Law.

"That was the whole setup wasn't it for that line"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjbehrendt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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The day my dad's dog died.

I was sitting in my room playing with my dog, his name is Buster. My dog was being hyper while getting used to his new home.

My dad walks in and starts telling me about when he was my age and got a new dog.

( Insert sad music from the world's smallest violin here )

Dad: "When I was your age, my dad got me a pooch. His name was Rocket. I got him when he was around 4 years old, so he was pretty big. One day, I was working on my dad's truck and had a bucket of old gas sitting next to me. Rocket was outside playing around, being himself and came up to me. I slid back under the truck and heard some gulping sounds. I look over and see Rocket drinking big gulps of the gasoline. I screamed at him," Rocket No! You don't drink that!" Then he backed up, stumbling. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, I knew something was wrong with him. He took off running around the house. He ran around the house 2-3 times. Then he just fell over.."

Me: "Dead!?"

Dad: "Nah, he just ran out of gas."

Fuc

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurtcobain94
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
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Dad told this joke to my brother and I, our parents have been divorced 10 years. Bro didn't appreciate it

'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.

Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Porridgeandpeas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a constructi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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Got my kid with this one

Woke up all bedheaded and stumbled into kitchen. Son sitting at breakfast table smirks and says nice hair. Without missing a beat I said "Thanks, I worked on it all night."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Antheonidas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
🚨︎ report
Teacher Told Us a Dad joke in Class Today

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wall-mart grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman d

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisisCarl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my friend's sister yesterday...

NOTE: My friend, the same one from this post, has a sister who's only 6. She has not yet learned the ways of the world, and the fact that it contains me and my terrible jokes.

I stumble into the living room, clutching my stomach and groaning.

Friend: What's wrong with you?

Me: I don't know, but I think I have a serious case of updog.

Friend's Sister: What's updog?

I stand up straight, with a big smile on my face.

Me: Not much, how about you?

Friend: Oh, Christ.

EDIT: Formatting and grammar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PixelatedBaloney
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Poetry

I was reading a collection of poems when I stumbled on the gem "I brought a knife to this gun fight but last night I mugged a mountain so bring that shit on I've had practice" and I thought about how it must take some serious stones to do something like that.

No wonder my coworkers hate me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cinnamonico
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Helping with dinner

Last night my mum wanted me to come and help make dinner. I've had a headache the whole day so stumbled looking kind of sick.

Mum: Are you alright?

then dad walks in outta nowhere and says

"No he's none left"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Isomerandomdude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad's two favorites...

Anyone: "What are ya up to?"
Dad: "Ohh, bout 5'10. You?"

If he sees anyone trip or stumble --
Dad: "Watch out, there's a little pocket of gravity there..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/p0rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2013
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I almost didn't catch it

We were looking for a movie to watch and I stumbled across Mouse Hunt. Great! I mention to my husband I haven't seen the movie in a long time and neither has he. He asks if I liked the movie, I said it was ok. He then said "It's a little cheesy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jenxa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
🚨︎ report
My father just posted this on Facebook.

MURDER AT COSTCO STORE

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fluffyxsama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
🚨︎ report

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