My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
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︎ Sep 16 2020
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ Jun 24 2020
The mailman was delivering my neighborโs dog and I had to call the police
A dog needs its liver to live
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︎ Oct 01 2020
I dumped the idea of throwing the garbage in my neighbor's backyard
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︎ Sep 04 2020
In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....
Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
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︎ Mar 29 2020
My neighbor got mad at me for planting my flowers too close to the fence...
I told them that they were still a few yards away.
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︎ Sep 09 2020
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.
So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!
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︎ Sep 10 2020
A man and his wife had a shed in their backyard. The neighbor asked which of them built it and they both replied that they had built it, leading to a massive argument.
It was a real He-Shed She-Shed situation.
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︎ Aug 12 2020
My neighbor was repairing his car in the garage.
He had taken out both front tires. When he went inside his house I decided to steal away only one tire, because stealing both would have made me two tired.
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︎ Jul 06 2020
I was sitting on the deck with my son. My neighbor walked by and asked โAre you babysitting?โ
I said โNo, Iโm dad sitting.โ
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︎ Jul 07 2020
โFrom a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the communityโ
โCOVID19 DAY20
Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Iโll let you knowโ
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︎ Apr 05 2020
My neighbor with big boobs has been working topless in the garden all afternoon
I just wish his wife would do the same
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︎ Jun 04 2020
Police: We need to talk to your son about the fire at your neighbor's place
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︎ Jun 04 2020
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
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︎ May 07 2020
I was strangely satisfied when I ran over the neighbor's dog with my car...
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︎ Mar 10 2020
My neighbor tried to wager money on whether I could jump the row of bushes between our properties...
But I don't like to hedge my bets.
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︎ Feb 12 2020
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
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︎ Dec 11 2019
Every morning, my neighbor gets on his tractor and starts yelling, โThe End is nigh!โ
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
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︎ Dec 29 2019
Told my neighbor, jenny, she was hooking up with the wrong guy... he's a jackass...
She laughed, "hee haw!" The farmer said, "she can't understand ya... she's a donkey!"
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︎ Nov 27 2019
My neighbors couch has been in the hallway for 5 days. I want to attach jokes to the couch but I'm having trouble.
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︎ Apr 01 2019
My neighbor saw me naked grabbing the newspaper early this a.m. Embarrassing.
Now he knows I'm taking his paper.
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︎ Oct 23 2019
For halloween, my daughter dressed up as Mary Poppins, and then asked me if she could just skip the vegan neighbor's house.
When I her asked why, she said it was because their "Stupid Cauliflower Licorice Tastes A Lot Like Dog Shit."
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︎ Sep 05 2019
My next door Russian neighbor is very secretive about the honeycombs in his backyard.
He might be a cagey bee agent.
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︎ Aug 02 2019
The neighbors are rock solid at puns
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︎ Jul 03 2018
My neighbor installed a security system in his porch that launches intruders into the air, and I could tell he was very happy about it.
There was a spring in his step.
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︎ Sep 24 2019
The police just showed up at my neighborโs house and arrested their dog...
Apparently he has to many unpaid barking tickets.
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︎ Oct 08 2019
There was a rumor around our neighbor that we aren't allowed to go to the house with the color blue
That's because it's not our property
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︎ Aug 19 2019
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: Thatโs on a need to mow basis.
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︎ Jul 10 2019
Why was the neighbor offended
Coz, the next door neighbor put a fence around his house
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︎ Aug 12 2019
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. Then told me I was terrible with directions. And then she added that I should stop cross dressing in her clothes. She also didn't like the female neighbor sun bathing nude in her backyard.
I nearly shit her pants, even though the ice-incident was water under the fridge! I was on the fence about the neighbor sun-bathing nude, but I packed her things and right anyway.
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︎ Mar 09 2019
A neighbor asks for your help closing a window; it's stuck open a little. You try but fail, and she says "try twisting the top." Surprised, you ask why.
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︎ Feb 01 2019
Hey Dad, we should throw a housewarming party for the new neighbors!
Dad moves defensively towards the thermostat: "A what kind of party?"
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︎ May 10 2019
My neighbor called the police 'cuz I was smoking pot.
Cops asked where I got it from, I said my neighbor.
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︎ Jun 03 2019
My neighbor pissed me off yesterday by playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over again.
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︎ Oct 12 2018
I was juggling my kids on the farm yesterday when my neighbor saw me.
They called PETA for animal endangerment.
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︎ Jan 09 2019
Why do the Rockโs neighbors like when he barbecues?
They smell what the Rock is cookin.
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︎ Mar 08 2019
Canโt tell if my neighbors are playing along with the joke or seducing me
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︎ Oct 08 2018
My friend told me a story about how he punched my neighbor in the face
It hit really close to home
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︎ Mar 05 2019
A young man steals his neighbors prized steer on a dare but is caught and is arrested by the police.
He is taken to the police station and handcuffed to a table and left alone. A while later his father arrives at the station and sits down across from him and says,
โCow could you?โ
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︎ Apr 05 2019
So my neighbors the Donner's invited me over
They said they would love to have me for dinner.
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︎ Sep 01 2018
My neighbor was trying to explain to me why the power went out last night.
But I was still in the dark.
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︎ Jan 21 2019
Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said โlookinโ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekendโ, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
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︎ Oct 13 2018
Yesterday my neighbor asked to borrow my copy of the movie โItโ. I proceeded to beat him up. My wife asked me why the hell I would beat him up.
I told her he was asking for It.
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︎ Jan 11 2019
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stoneโs throw away, in fact.
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︎ Oct 15 2018
My neighbor was arrested because the cops caught him hiding cocaine up his butt.
They charged him with possession of crack cocaine.
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︎ Jul 18 2018
The neighbors are having a clothes out sale
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︎ Jun 16 2018
My neighbor stole my front gate and I'm totally scared to call the cops...
Because he might take a fence.
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︎ Nov 02 2018
I was in the garage the other day and the neighbor kid threw a small file at me...
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︎ Dec 07 2017
I never really met my neighbors until they tried to sue me over the ownership of some property.
Turns out we had a lot in common...
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︎ Jun 22 2017
My neighbor is renovating his kitchen and keeps leaving huge delivered packages on his front lawn. The latest is a huge basin on a pallet and It. Is. An eyesore.
Let that sink in.
Happy Father's Day!
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︎ Jun 17 2018
Your bullying neighbor next door decided that the part of your yard with his favorite tree in it is his yard now? Oh, boo hoo...
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︎ Nov 02 2017
I heard the police raided my neighbors house on suspicion of a brutal murder...
... When they charged into the bathroom they found Head and Shoulders.
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︎ May 16 2016
Just got an eye roll from the 8-year-old neighbor kid with this one
NK: [as he stands up and starts walking out of the room] I'll be right back.
Me: I'll be left front.
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︎ Aug 13 2014
Our neighbors chicken jumped our fence and was hanging out in our backyard most of the day...
GF: Hey! The chicken is on the fence.
Me: On what topic?
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︎ Dec 25 2014
Neighbor Dad Joked the whole Christmas Party
Dad: Did you hear about the new crime wave happening in town?
Everyone: No! What is it?
Dad: People are breaking into houses stealing toilets.
Everyone: Wow, that is so weird. Who would do something like that and why?
Dad: Yeah the cops said they have nothing to go on.
Everyone: UGHHHH
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︎ Dec 26 2014
I need to poop before I go talk to the neighbors...
or else they will know I am full of shit.
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︎ Dec 23 2014
Why did the Czech Republican's neighbor never join him for his early-morning run?
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︎ Nov 27 2014
Dad joke to the neighbor kids.
Whenever the kids on our block are out playing, my dad stops the car, rolls down the window, and says:
"Hey, they're looking for ya.."
pondering pause
"Who..?"
"The squirrels they think your nuts!"
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︎ Dec 17 2013
I asked my dad why the neighbors cut down the tree in their yard.
He told me he was stumped.
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︎ Dec 05 2013
My neighbor is the epitome of dad humor.
For some background, he is a fire chief and has his share of gruesome stories.
Him, "Did you hear about the kid who got hit by the train?" (Some tracks run by our neighborhood.)
Me, "No, that's awful. When did that happen?"
Him, "Earlier this week. It happens all the time. Their eyes are always blue..."
Me, "Why are their eyes blue?"
His teenage daughter, rolling her eyes, "One blew this way, one blew the other way."
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︎ Oct 20 2013
If you worked as hard as the neighbors
"If only you worked as hard as the neighbor and his wife"
"Honey that impossible ,how can I work as hard as two people ,best I can do is the neighbor"
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︎ Jun 01 2014
I dumped the idea of throwing the garbage in my neighbor's yard..
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ Aug 22 2019
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ May 03 2020
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, โThe end is near!!โ
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
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︎ Jan 20 2018
Every morning, my neighbor gets on his tractor and starts yelling, โThe End is Near!โ
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
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︎ Jan 02 2019
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