Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...
Got outside and she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds
I got kicked out of the Casino last night
Slight misunderstanding about the Craps table!
I had the worst night last night. The ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared in front of my bed.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
Last night I spoke with my family about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
The police arrested a demon last night
They got him on possession.
Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"
My wife beat me to the punchline last night.
There was still plenty left, though, so I didn't mind.
I was up all last night wondering where the sun went
When suddenly it dawned on me.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
Someone snuck into a bullfighting arena last night, and mixed explosives into all the food in the stables.
The events that followed were a-bomb-in-a-bull
OMG, the commute home was awful last night! Ya see, a tractor trailer carry laundry detergent crashed and spilled detergent all over all four lanes...
Traffic was Tide up for hours.
I went out to the local Indian restaurant last night, and had the Pelican curry special, which was really tasty..
..shame about the massive bill though.
I was sitting in the lobby of a hotel last night waiting for my lift. Two former chess champions were seated nearby, raving on about their past glories. I had to leave…
I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
After a night on the town with Batman, her friends asked, “where were you last night?”
The storm last night took off a quarter of my roof!
Did you know the workers in Squid Game had to play games too? The last one to the mess hall got to watch the cameras all night.
The game was called Be There or Be Square.
Last night, burglars stole all of the toilets from the local university.
Police say they have nothing to go on
Rewatched The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! with my fiancé last night and told her they can't show this in the classroom these days. She asked why, and I told her...
...because you can't bring Peanuts to school.
The waiter dropped mayonnaise on me last night...
I said "what the Hellman!"
I had a phone call today from the police asking if I’d taken the train home last night, about 11:35. I nervously replied “yes, why?”
They said “because they need it back madam.”
Told my kid, who's away at college, that we had dinner last night at her favorite Indian restaurant. The food was good but I'm tired this morning because I woke up at 2:39 with a rumbling stomach.
She doesn't have to worry though, because I woke up just in time. One minute later and it would have been too farty. 🌬️
Last night, i went really deep into the titanic conspiracy theories on how it could've sunk..
but that was just the tip of the iceberg!
I tried to get into a trendy club last night. The bouncer said “I’m sorry, you’ve had too many!"
I said “What, drinks?”. He said “No, birthdays”
I told my therapist, “Last night I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
She replied, “I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.”
So proud of my daughter…. My wife and I watched “The Dig” last night
and upon telling our daughter this morning she asked is that a prequel to “The Hole”. It gets better … my wife then says “that was a dad joke” and she says “no it was a good joke”
I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.
I was sent to the ER after being assaulted by Algebra last night.
True story: at the poolside last night, a bee briefly landed on my 11yo daughter's foot. She looked down and said "Awww, we shall name him....
Toby"
(I could not be more proud of her, the other dads present were jealously impressed)
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
So Dad is getting older and senile and always doing crazy sh1t and we decided to sell the house and put him in a senior center. I came home last night and found an alligator in a cardigan on the kitchen floor. I said dammit Dad! WTH! This crazy stuff is why we are selling the house!
He says "I know, this is the home in-vest-i-gator."
So I was at the grocery store last night looking for some soy sauce, and I asked a staff member which one I should purchase. I couldn't tell the difference.
He said, "We're about to close, but come back and I'll Shoyu Tamari"
Did you hear about the earthquake last night
The news said it was shocking
The Wife wore a right slinky number last night..
looked amazing coming down the stairs !
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
There was a fight in the chip shop last night.
Did you hear about the circus fire last night?
3 high profile paintings vanished from the MOMA last night…
Now museum,
now you don’t.
(used a Wynonna Earp line I just heard for the punchline)
Last night I decided to memorize a few pages of the dictionary
I learned next to nothing
Woke up last night to a commotion coming from the refrigerator...
I opened it and Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg started blasting out of it. I asked my wife, "Did you buy some green onions today?"
"Yeah," she said. "Why?"
"I think you picked up a couple of rapscallions."
The police turned up at my house last night and arrested my dog!
Turns out he has unpaid barking tickets
I made the mistake of having a beer while doing my calculus homework last night...
I got in trouble for drinking and deriving.
I was rushed to the ER last night after I swallowed 8 plastic horses.
They said my condition is stable.
I slept on the wrong side of the bed last night…
Still can’t figure out how I fit under it.
The commute home was awful last night! A tractor trailer that carried laundry detergent crashed and spilled detergent all over all four lanes...
Traffic was Tide up for hours.
I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night
First I was afraid, I was petrified
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
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