I strictly forbid my kids from watching the orchestra
Because of all the sax and violins.
Dads don't tell dad jokes because they think they are funny, they tell dad jokes because they think their kids reactions to the joke are funny.
/r/Showerthoughts/comment…
The cops came by and said my dogs were chasing kids on bikes
I said that's impossible, my dogs don't have bikes
When I was teaching in the classroom the kids all laughed at my jokes but once we went Zoom they don’t laugh anymore.
My wife says I am not remotely funny.
all the kids stuck their fingers in the blender,
except bernhard, he pressed start.
Its a danish format called "all the kids" its always:
All the kids [did thing] except [name] who [did other thing]
Name has to ryme with the thing he/she is doing
The orchestra isn't suitable for kids.
There's too much sax and violins.
I told my kids I changed our wifi password. They're still unable to get on the internet, saying thier phones keep showing "the password you entered is wrong".
I'm not sure what the problem is. I keep telling them the password is 123allspelledoutinlowercase. Seems simple enough to me
while on a walk with the wife and kids, she says, "I wish I brought my sunglasses".
I said, "hey son, hand me your glasses."
I gave them to mom and proudly stated, "here's your son glasses".
I got the wrong ice cream for my kids birthday party.
I guess I just have Breyers remorse
Did you hear about the new kids cartoon where a lamb goes around town fixing things?
It's called Kebab the Builder!
(Yes, I know that it only works if you say it with an American accent, but it's a stupid joke anyway. Don't overthink it :D)
I told my kids were getting obsidian floors in the next house.
Then they can play the floor is lava for real.
All the Mennonite kids got cut from the local baseball team
Everytime they came to bat it was a swing and Amish
My friend doesn't remember when we used to find stones in the woods and bring them home when we were kids.
He has no rock collection of it.
I asked my wife if we spoiled the kids.
She said that she thought they were supposed to smell like that.
When I was a child, air for your bike was free? While out biking with my kids one of my kids needed a little more air in his tire. We stopped at a gas station. It’s a $1.50 now! I asked the gas station attendant why it’s gone up so much.
I'm so annoyed, my kids drama class is doing a piece on the Dictionary tonight...
I'm not a big fan of a play on words
You know what the urologist would say every time his kids misbehaved?
The thing about telling your kids dad jokes is...
You have to wait until they've groan in to it.
What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids?
There are pictures where the money used to be.
We were at the aquarium and I said, “Kids, check out the chorse!”
My wife: That’s a seahorse.
Me: I know how to spell chorse. I’m not an idiot.
What did the dad say to get his kids to go to bed?
Ask me in the morning and I’ll tell you
Every morning at the breakfast table, I tell my kids I'm going for a jog, but then I don't.
What's the quickest way to stop your kids from watching TikTok?
Start watching it yourself, so it is no longer cool.
Every time my kids stay up late I tell them "The cows are asleep!"
My wife is leaving me due to my addiction to horse racing and she's taking the kids.
They're all packed and ready to go, they're at the gate now, and they're off.
EDIT: Thankyou everyone for getting me through this Friday these puns have been ridiculously on form except the one guy that tried to offer counselling advice on a joke thread 🙈
King of Arabia who is a father to 40 little kids, bought a train to bring them along to places he visited. On one of his busy work travel trip, he forgot where he parked the train.
He lost his train of tots.
My kids wanted to spend the whole day of our vacation shopping, which I don’t understand at all.
If you’ve seen one shopping Center, you’ve seen the mall!
Why shouldn't kids sleep during the day?
Because kid napping is illegal.
The only problem with trans people having kids…
Is that they become transparent
I've always read how peoples kids have come up with witty amazing dad jokes.. And finally I can join that club. My 7 year old daughter said this to me today: "Daddy, the eyelash and the lipstick were in a fight"....
But don't worry, they'll make up 🤣🤣
My wife wanted me to do something exciting for her and the kids. So I took them to a potato farm.
Who's the singer that asian kids listening most to?
The playset I bought my kids had some delayed shipments because of supply issues. To make matters worse, I measured wrong and it doesn't fit our yard so I had to return it.
It's a real shame, we had just gotten the swing of it.
I annoyed my kids all day by making jokes about all the animals at the zoo.
When we finally got to the giraffes, I didn't say anything.
My kids asked if I couldn't come up with another joke.
I said, "No. Giraffe humor is just too high-brow."
Why don’t pirates take their kids to the movies?
Because they only watch arrrrrr rated films. (courtesy of my 14 year old)
I rallied the kids and we all secretly did house work while Mom was out running errands
It was a cleandestine operation.
Father of six here… my kids love dad jokes at the dinner table. Mom is less enthusiastic. Today, my eleven year old decided to get in on the action: “what are twins favorite fruits?”
Pears… And then he proceeded to fall out of his chair laughing. Meanwhile mom wants to know how she could’ve tested for this before getting in too deep.
A judge is hurriedly trying to get his kids ready for school when he finds his son taking a nap under the breakfast table
"Son, you're grounded for perjury", he says, " for you've been caught lying under oats"
I called all four of my kids to the living room to replace the light bulb on the lamp stand.
Many hands make light work
What lawyer did Darth Vader use to get his kids back? (May the 4th be with you!)
My wife just made it home with the kids in time to start her period.
Now that's what I would call, being punctual.
All the kids at daycare were wearing each other's socks today when we picked our son up
Must've been a busy trading day at the Sock Market
I got a PlayStation for the kids.
Watching Moon Knight with my kids the other day. The main character says he's going to look for some supplies. he walks to a tent, goes inside, and I yell out:
Supplies!!
And now the best part-. Any time a character in any show does something unexpected, I say the same thing, to the MANY groans and protestations of my kids.
It's great.
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