Took a pretty good picture of the meteor shower a few days ago.
I'm going to be working on my next dadjoke over the next few days. In the meantime, I'll keep u posted.
I told my dad that I was planning to move to the Arctic circle for a few months.
He said, “I don’t like your latitude.”
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild.
Except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.
We've made a massive mistake
You ever notice how few Deloreans you see on the road?
I guess their owners only drive them from time to time.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
Went on a trip a few years ago and the airline asked me if I had any baggage.
Apparently my response of 'only emotional' didn't FLY well!
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
There are relatively few films with Dracula in them. On the other hand, films without Dracula...
I mean normally the customer service at the chip shop is fine. But when there's huge lines and only a few teens working there? Then it's...
For the past few weekends my wife has done nothing but drag me around to look at expensive new countertops
I'm tired of being taken for granite
Haven't been able to find the channel changer in a few days
It must be in a remote location
I was paying for my groceries at the store when I realized I was short a few pennies.
I asked the cashier if they had a take-a-penny leave-a-penny. They said "No", to which I retorted "that doesn't make any cents".
For the last few months, I’ve been noticing that my teenage son periodically breaks into hives.
I have no idea why he hates bees so much.
My wife asked me to make my flourless chocolate torte this week, but with a few changes to the recipe.
I guess you could say I dabble in torte reform.
If you are feeling lonely during the lockdown, try buying a few shares from the financial market.
Then you’ll have a little bit of company.
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
It's weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago...
It's like he blew up overnight.
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.
Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?
A few weeks ago I was vacationing, but when I realized how serious the coronavirus was in this place
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
I’ve got a tumor on my leg. I didn’t enjoy it the first few months...
Two wind turbines were standing around, complete silence except for the wind, when one asks the other, "Hey, what kind of music do like?" The other one thinks for a few revolutions and says,
"I'm a really big heavy metal fan."
Only a few days to go until the metamorphic geology road show ...
... time to get your schists together.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.
It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
A goose talking to duck at the local pond. “My husbands gone away for a few weeks to Africa”. “Oh really.” Says the the Duck “Uganda?”...
“No I’m a goose. My husband is a gander”
I bumped into my very short mate Peter down the pub. He told a few hilarious stories about the flatbread factory he works in.
I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete
My aunt has been inviting several unmarried female friends over to study the Bible and pray a few times a week.
I told her not to make it a habit.
Two carbons walk into a bar together, they had a few drinks and really liked each other by the end of it.
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
I caught my son smoking pot in the garage, and a few minutes later, my wife walked in.
She caught my son and me smoking pot in the garage.
TIL: A few hundred years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s chief export.
My wife and I went on a trip to Cuba to stay at a few different places. By the end of week 2, we were walking barefoot across a beach, nearly dying of thirst and exhausted. We were wondering if we'd make it home, until I spotted a server holding some drinks. We sprinted towards her and drank both.
Mountains are the best place to get a few laughs.
Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...
...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.
My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"
She's going to be a great dad one day.
Edit: skipped a word
As a reporter, I've done quite a few odd assignments. One especially memorable assignment was to report on the barefoot ginger convention.
Over 2,000 gingers showed up and there wasn't a sole to be seen.
After watching a few episodes, I have to say that even though Spongebob is the main character,
As the new year was approaching, Watson was out having a few pints with his old drinking buddies
“Ah yes, Sherlock fancies himself quite the chef. You really must come visit us for dinner Friday at old 221B! There’s no place like Holmes’ for the hollandaise!”
Was at the zoo in Dublin Ireland today. Was very early and there was a group trying to spot the Snow Leopards in their enclosure without any luck. After a few minutes of looking I quipped Snow Leopards.... sNO leopards... well I laughed....
TIL: About a guy named Mao who apparently wrote a book that became very famous despite the fact that very few people ever read it.
I read an article about finding the Titanic a few years ago, sunken in the ocean...
The depths of the prose were hard to fathom!
Dad is an older muslim gentleman, I remember this from when he was in the hospital a few years ago.
Nurse: "Your doctor should return in just a few moments with your test results."
looks at dad
"Oh, we also have a new room for religious practices if you wanted to do some prayers?"
Dad: "God, were my test results that bad?"
A few days ago my next door neighbours glass fell out of the window frame in the living room.
They called a company who came out to replace the glass, it happened again two days later so the company came back again and replaced it.
My neighbour asked why it was happening and the company told him that it was happening a lot in the area, and that a local animal was eating the putty we use to hold the glass in.
My neighbour asked him what kind of animal could possibly do that???
He said yes it’s a cat.....
A putty cat......
I went out with on a date with a girl I haven't seen in a few weeks and since then I have started growing a beard. When I saw her she said the beard was new—
I said yeah I wasn't crazy about it at first either, but it grew on me.
Beethoven's grave has been eerily playing music the last few days.
The cemetery keeper has told people not to worry, he's just decomposing.
EDIT down-voting because you can't Handel this level of humor is a crime against humanity.
I missed the last few cooking classes about making tomato sauce.
Looks like I've to ketchup with it.
My SO sprained her ankle last night. After a few hours waiting in the emergency room we were sent to the radiology for an X-Ray!
I told her to break a leg.
^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset "I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it" kind of smile, and that's what counts. Luckily there were no fractured bones.)
A few thousand years ago, a Greek man walked into the local tailor shop and handed over several tunics.
The tailor picked them up, raised an eyebrow, and asked: "Euripides?"
Sheepishly, the customer nodded and replied, "Eumenides?"
How do you light a few cigarettes with no lighter out on the ocean on a boat?
Toss one cigarette overboard.
The boat is now a cigarette lighter.
I've been perserving some jokes over the past few years.
I call it canned laughter.
EDIT: Whoops I meant to type preserving
After getting dementia, my wife is able to recall the meaning of only a few words of the dictionary.
She remembers next to nothing.
What has Mozart been up to for the last few hundred years?
You know about the weird guy who did very few crunches at the gym?
It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"
"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
What did the egg say after a few beers???
I got in a car accident last week and things have just been really tough. They can’t find any parts for it because the manufacturer went out of business a few years ago and not having a vehicle is really putting a strain on my work and family. It’s just a lot to handle.
Sorry for the Saab story.
My Irish Great Grandfather (from Kerry) told me this one in the pub a few months before he passed.
You know why our dancers don't move their arms when their dancing?
Their arms have been decommissioned.
Spat ma Guinness.........
RIP Finn you funny bastard.
Did I ever tell you about the guy milking a cow? A fly flew into the cow’s ear, and a few seconds later, him milked out the fly!
But ya know what they say, in one ear, out the udder
I asked a hot contortionist if she'd be free to go out on a date in the next few days
She said she'd love to and she's very flexible
I tried the Atkins diet a few weeks back
Alas it was a fruitless endeavor
A few birds were sitting in the sun in our backyard, and my cat was desperate to catch and eat them.
My wife says: The bishop was sitting only a few seats away from me.
My wife says "the bishop was sitting only a few seats away from me at the ceremony today!"
So I asked her, "were you sitting diagonally from him?"
She says "no?"
So I tell her, "then I don't think you were in any danger."
Fast food restaurant takes a few minutes,...bag gets handed over with, “Sorry about the wait.”
Her: Would you mind grabbing a fork and standing in the kitchen for a few minutes? Me: Ok, why?
Her: The recipe says, Step 3: Prick with a fork to make sure it’s cooked.
my nine year old cousin has been in the hospital for a few days, and this was in one of her get well soon cards
imgur.com/ycki78f
I live in the south and every winter I invest a few dollars into bread companies
It’s my best bet at making dough during the winter weather
Got a few the other day.
I cut my finger open and didn't notice it.
Dad: "Hey, you cut your finger pretty bad there."
Me: "I did? Didn't notice. I lost feeling in that one a few years ago when I cut it open at the base."
Dad: "I lost sensation in my thumb after I did the same thing, so I know the feeling... Or do I?"
Driving to the store.
Me: "The tires feel kind of flat. Should probably stop at a gas station and increase the pressure."
Dad: "We have to be careful, though. Too much pressure and they'll get nervous."
Going to the Cheesecake Factory.
Me: "We have to take the bridge, right?"
Dad: "Yeah, but we're gonna have to give it back afterwards."
Goddammit, dad.
Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon have a little Baby Balloon and for the first few weeks, he sleeps in the same bed with Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon…
…but as he grows older and bigger, Daddy Balloon insists he sleeps in his own bed.
Baby Balloon doesn't like being all alone, he misses his Mommy and Daddy so much, that after a few nights, he tries to sneak back into Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon's bed, only to find that he had grown too big to fit in the bed with them!
He decides to let some air out of Mommy Balloon, but there's still not enough room, so he let's some air out of Daddy Balloon, but again there's not enough room, so he lets some air out of himself and finally he fits into the bed!
Well, the following morning Daddy Balloon is furious!
"I am very disappointed with you!" says Daddy Balloon. "Not only have you let your Mother down, but you have let me down and let yourself down!"
I've wrote down a few cards with jokes about the creases to the side of our mouths
Helped my wife with a few of the labels for some homemade hand scrub and lip balm she made as Xmas presents.
My Dad had a procedure done a few weeks ago and told me he was in the hospital for a follow up cat scan.
I interrupted and asked if he remembered what type of cat.
[Yes, I used a dad joke on my dad. He taught me well.]
Pity there are only a few Sheep cards in Magic the Gathering...
I could have made a Commander Shepard deck.
A few years ago, I went to a Rush concert over in the Czech Republic
Best Prague rock show I've ever seen.
The owner of our office space came into the office today to announce that he was going to be on holidays for the next few weeks in Paris, at a beautiful spot right on the river.
I said "I hope being so close to the river doesn't make you go InSeine..."
Surprisingly, I got a pretty good laugh considering it was my first time meeting the guy. My colleague, who is more acquainted with my antics, rolled her eyes :)
I told my mom that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for the next few months.
She said, “I don’t like your latitude.”
For the last few months, my son has been breaking into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
A string goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve strings here, mate". String goes out, loops itself and frazzles the bitter end. Goes back in the bar and the bartender says "Aren't you that string from a few minutes ago?"
Which came the reply "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
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