Why did the guy with gluten allergy skip leg day?
'Cause he couldn't train his glutes!
So I have a funny anecdote from work but my friends don't like puns as much as I do, so I'm hoping someone here will appreciate it. This happened last night.
My lead walked up to me to let me know a coworker wasn't there, he says, "Bill is dead and we killed him." I give him a blank stare because I didn't comprehend him immediately and he goes, "it was a reference to Nietzsche." (German philosopher known for "God is dead and we killed him.") "it was a Neitzsche joke." So I responded with "that's cool bud, but I believe it's pronounced 'niche'." He stutters for a moment, "no, it's- oh." I burst out into laughter and he walks away with a "fuck you". 😂
It wasn't fully groan
"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"
She said it was a waist of time.
Best trade I ever made
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
It must be the high Mercury content.
Because he really wanted to be a cash-shoe.
I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🤩
but DOOM is Eternal !
your too young to smoke
purgatoni
They must be preparing for an Ariel assault.
I've forgotten what it was called now.
I'm sure it'll come back to me
He said, "Shuriken!"
He says, “Miss, can I please use the bathroom?”
The teacher says to him, “Okay, but only if you say your ABCs first”.
The boy is visibly bursting for the toilet and is crossing his legs while standing. He takes a deep breath.
“A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”
The teacher says to him, “Where’s the P?”
The boy replies, “It’s running down my leg”.
The teacher asks the class, “ there are five birds on a power line, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?”
Johnny replies, “ none the rest flew away when they heard the shot.”
The teacher says, “ no three are left but I like the way you think.”
So then Johnny says, “ let me ask you a question. There are three women eating ice cream, one licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it, which ones married?”
The teacher says, “ the one sucking?”
Johnny says, “ no the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
But I bottled it.
“Why do I always have to pay you to be good”
Why can’t you be a good for nothing like your dad
They called him tywalkosaurus
The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said “That’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”
Now it’s an isotop.
That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.
You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.
Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..
And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, “If you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”
Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.
Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.
And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!
And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..
“I toad you so.”
Teacher: Timmy, tell me a word that begins with M
Timmy: Yesterday
Teacher: But Timmy, yesterday doesn't begin with M, begins with Y
Timmy: But teacher, yesterday was monday
The finale wasn’t a cliffhanger.
It's a rare medium well done.
The big moron. The other one was a little more on.
