I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What do people say when you wee backwards?

Eew

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vladturapov
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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When I was a wee lad, my thoughts were focused on the number 144.

I was engrossed

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning at 3am, I have to get up and go to the bathroom. I guess that’s why they call it the wee hours of the morning.
πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheProcesSherpa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Wee-woo-wee-woo!
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paper-machete56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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Bad dog, Wee wee outside. Now urine trouble.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BossRediter87
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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Wee fish, ewe, a mare, egrets, moose, wee fish, ewe, a mare, egrets, moose, wee fish, ewe, a mare, egrets, moose...

... and a hippo gnu year.

First saw that one in 1984 and it burned itself into my memory. :)

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matti_Matti_Matti
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2014
🚨︎ report
A wee tap on the shoulder youtube.com/watch?v=SkkTu…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Nintendo should manufacture a portable Wii called the Wee Wii.

Kid’s of all ages love playing with their Wee Wii.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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Why was Pee Wee's Playhouse such a profitable movie?

The studio had Large Margins

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/windblast
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad: "I need to go wee"

He then proceeded to run about with his arms in the air saying "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottwalker88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
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While watching "Pee Wee's Big Holiday", my wife recognized Pee Wee and asked "Isn't he a pervert or something?"

I told her.

"He was arrested for masturbating in an adult theater, but I think he got off."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CobraCabana
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2016
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Did you know some people have 5 knees?

A right knee, a left knee, a wee nee, a kidney and a hiney.

Edit: Those with both kidneys would have 6!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earth_humanoid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.

I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do French people call marijuana?

Oui’d

πŸ‘︎ 207
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggs_in_a_sausage
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Insert title [here]
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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Three knees

My father used to insist he could drive with 3 knees (with hands off wheel). When asked what knees, he said;

"My right knee, my left knee, and me wee knee!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whiskey--Jack
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters

They must be waiting for their turn.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/divinetaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

πŸ‘︎ 542
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllanCD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My colleague got sick and was sent home from work.

He had a wee cough.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vectorman1989
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
All my relatives suffer from incontinence.

You could say diarrhea runs in the family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fsr_freak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My Scottish friend makes macro-drills and their accessories...

He likes his job, a wee bit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Sofa King low prices
πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilycat27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
GF: I love you

Me: I love the sequel GF: ....... Me: I love you 2 cue groans

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/solipsistmaya
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rooks4life
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
🚨︎ report
I asked my French friend if he knew what the word "pipi" translated to in English...

He said, "oui, wee."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The new Lion King movie dvd release date is only a week away.

A week away. A week away. A week away. A week away. A week away. A week away.

Wee e e e e e e e e a week away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoomerB3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
(Scottish Joke) Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf.

πŸ‘︎ 915
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSupremeClaw
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife groaned at this one (Not in the sexy way either...)

One of my wife's bosses is from China with the family name Wong.

Wife was telling me that said boss just had a baby a few months ago.

(At this moment, my dad powers started kicking in...)

Me: "Huh, that's cool. When her husband visits the office next time, you should ask them if the baby's Caucasian."

Wife: "What?! Why?"

Me: Cause I wanna know if two 'Wongs' make a 'White'..."

Her eyes rolled so hard they detached.

Edit: Thanks for front page folks! Glad I could make you laugh (or groan...)

Edit 2: Thank you for the gold!

Edit 3: WIFE'S IN THE THREAD!! Abort! Abort! Wee woo wee woo wee woo

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hephaestus1219
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orleansville
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2016
🚨︎ report
What's ET short for? reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hansiztwunderbar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is the ocean salty?

Because the land doesn't wave back.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KidsMaker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2016
🚨︎ report
My favorite Queen song imgur.com/Ycxla9A
πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dizchord
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes are worldwide

I'm brazilian and in Brazilian portuguese is very common to ask something from someone (mainly food) by saying "me dΓ‘ um pouco/pouquinho disso?" (which means "would you give me a little of that?")

Everytime I do that to my dad, he uses two fingers to take the tiniest possible slice of the thing and give to me in my hand or plate with the most serious face possible. If I complain he procceeds to say something like "you asked a little, didn't you?". My mom everytime laughs at that.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lKauany
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
🚨︎ report
At work at PetSmart, little boy yells "guess what?! I have 3 knees!!" My manager takes the bait, says "oh yeah?"

He yells "yeah my left one, my right one, and a weeKNEE!" Child giggles ensue. Instilling dad jokes at a young age. Dadding done right. (:

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redstert
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What do an agreeable Frenchman and a dog with a bladder problem have in common?

They’re both going wee wee everywhere.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatboyboy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I got my radio job because of my small hands.

wee paws for station identification.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Would you say Napoleon was small for a French man?

Oui Wee

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tabernacle48
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
5 cows standing in a field. How can you tell which one is on vacation?

The one with the wee calf.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pilotmuffin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left?

Bison.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SJ007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 496
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2017
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do television station announcers have such small hands?

Wee paws for station identification.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twowhlr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report

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