The dude who i took it from got a restraining order
This just happened to me lmao. I'm here with my wife and 5 y/o daughter about to sit down and eat.
Daughter: what movie are we going to watch. (We mentioned maybe watching one earlier) Me: it's this new cartoon movie called nunya
Literally 1 second later Daughter: nunya business.... Me: DDAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG
What an awesome feeling lol
In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:
Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.
Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.
Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.
Although some people might say, that beating the shit o... keep reading on reddit ➡
“I forgot to feed the dog!”
My friend: Pick a number, 1 or 2
Him: You sure?
Me: Why, is it a piece of shit?
I don't know. I'm not a asstrologist.
I'm dad 🤗
The chef said it’s Korma.
They made us play against Trinidad AND Tobago
Goose shit is this?
I don’t often tell dad jokes, but when I do. He laughs
I work at a sewage treatment plant
It’s called Feces the Musical.
I heard it got crap reviews.
I kinda thought that was crappy advertising.
He died from dysentery.
Wife: It's Sunday, we have to go back to work tomorrow.
Me: Yeah, at least it's jeans week next week.
Wife: Wait, so it's Jean's week for you next week?
Me: That's what I just said.
Wife: cocks eyebrow So it's my week???
Send help. I'm still in shock from my wife (Jean) pulling this epic dad joke off on me.
A Bowel Movement
Bu they're having a blast.
Just kidding, you've constipation
Holmes: "Is that comforter on your bed?" Watson: "No, sheet, Sherlock"
Holmes: "Is that a long note on your desk?" Watson: "No, chit, Sherlock"
Holmes: "Is that your residence?" Watson: "No, shed, Sherlock"
When people ask why i will say i get inspired by what my mom calls me
It runs on battery
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
(n) /ˈhoʊli ʃɪt/ - Solid biological waste excreted from a cow in India.
It let out a little wh(INE)
We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"
"Sure. What game?"
"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."
Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".
She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."
I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...
"Yes. Those are all words."
You little shit.
Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."
2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.