Shit stick Puns

A stick!

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."

(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

Me: "Hey Dad, what's for dinner?"

Dad: "Food!!!!!"

Every damn time...

A stick

Jk it’s a shit

"If we stick together we can stop this shit!"

We have to buy so much milk in our household because I'm such a serial dad joker. Amongst all my friends and family, even at my wedding, it was noted about my bad jokes. My wife of one week tolerates my humour, but doesn't ever attempt to play along with dad jokes or make any of her own. Point is - I'm not used to hearing her say one.

Today, sitting at a bar on our honeymoon I commented about how "these selfie sticks are becoming ridiculous. Everyone seems to have one now. It's stupid"... Only for her to reply with..."I know it's seriously getting out of hand".

I lost my shit and freaked out. She got scared cause she thought something bad happened...I'm like "did you seriously not just hear yourself. I'm not even mad that was amazing".

She just rolled her eyes.

So i made a pit stop at ol' GC to kill off a gift card from Xmas.

I needed one of those little plastic egg shakers (musicians will know) and some drum sticks. The two gentlemen were very rad & we stood around shootin' the shit for a bit.

Then the one who had my plastic shaker in his hand went to exhibit its shaker-y-ness only for it to fly out of his hands (on accident of course) and nail me in the chest.

The other gentleman responded with "That's not what he meant by drum throne!"

I swear I heard angels singing as they descended down a badly played Stairway to Heaven.

Not really sure if it qualifies as a 'dad joke', but I laughed my arse off. He was telling me about a joke he played on my mum when they were younger, before I was born.

We're from Australia, and there's a lot of places out woopwoop that are just empty. Him and mum were driving in the middle of bumfuck nowheresville, and they came up to a train crossing. Only thing is, because of where it was, there weren't any boom gates; it was just the track cutting through the middle of the road. On each side of the road was really high grass, so he actually had to poke the car out a bit so it was on the tracks to be able to see on either side. So he pulls the car out (in Australia, the driver is on the right side of the car instead of the left), and he looks to his right. No train coming. He looks to his left, and mum also looks left. Dad sticks his hand out the window, screams NO!!! and slams his hand on the side of the door really hard. It scared the shit out of mum so much that she actually started crying. He told me this and we both posses ourselves laughing for about 10 minutes.

After coming in from grabbing some the firewood, my wife exclaimed "oh! We need sticks!" referring to kindling to start the fire.

In my best Dennis DeYoung, I started belting out "Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me!"

Then, with a shit eating grin, I said "Is that enough Styx for ya!?"

Unfortunately she had no idea what I was talking about and just looked at me blankly as I fell to the floor in laughter.

I've heard my Pop tell this story so many times, I feel as though it's my duty to share it with this wonderful subreddit.

So, Pops is an air traffic controller. And a few years back, there was an initiative to boost workplace morale and get people to work together as a team.

Needless to say, the whole campaign was the butt of lots of jokes around the sector. Not that teamwork is a bad thing, of course. Just easy fodder for jokes, particularly in a group of middle-aged, dad-joke-loving men.

So one time, Pops is shooting the shit with another controller, and they're giving each other a hard time about one thing or another. And their supervisor walks up; real squirrelly guy who didn't cut it as an actually controller so they made him a supervisor (the FAA is silly that way). And he hears my Pops and the other guy razzing each other, and sticks his head in the sector and says, "Gentlemen, there's no 'I' in 'team'."

And Pops responds, "Yeah, but there's a 'U' in 'stupid'!"

Every time he tells that story, he just loses it. Cracks himself up. Even though I'm sure I've heard him tell it two dozen times.

We were changing our daughter's diaper after she left a brown present in it. I said "I'll change her and wrote wipe her off if you get her dressed." she said "looks like you got the shit end of the stick" then laughed at her cleverness.

If we stick together we can put a stop to this shit