OH SHIT
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 249
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PeAceNfuCk
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 26 2020
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Pavlov is sitting at the bar, drinking a beer, when suddenly the phone rings. โ€œOh shit!โ€ he yells, jumping off the stool.

โ€œI forgot to feed the dog!โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Konamicoder
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 31 2020
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Oh shit!
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Dankmonseiur69
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 09 2017
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๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/njh1011
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 07 2019
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I animated this poster. Oh shit it's -
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Hi_Hows_Life
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 01 2019
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โ€ชwhen youโ€™re using all your might to fight back the apocalypse but after a while youโ€™re like โ€œoh shit, Armageddon tiredโ€โ€ฌ
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PowerMaster5000
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 21 2019
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I met one of my wife's new vegan friends. Then I froze....

Oh shit! I've slept with herbivore!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jolly2284
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 20 2020
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Knock Knock

Who's there.

Grandma.

Oh shit Stop the funeral.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 06 2020
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Girlfriend told me to play with boomerangs, i told her to throw that idea out of the window

oh shit it's coming back

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ImSoBoredThatiUpvote
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 21 2020
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What to do, when a pickle get's stuck in your butt?

Oh shit, this isn't Google!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/takarics
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 15 2020
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What do australian teens say, when they miss a call from their grandmother?

Oh shit, my boomerang!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Soft_Chicken
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 16 2020
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The Pirate (Long)

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/flyingfrig
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 08 2020
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Roses are red...

Roses are red. Violets are red. The grass is red. The fence is red. OH SHIT THE GARDEN'S ON FIRE!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 17 2019
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Why was the dung beetle late for the party?

He was on duty.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Tr4vel
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 07 2019
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Fiancรฉ dropped a roll of tape..

He stepped on it and said to his coworker โ€œoh shit! You caught me on tapeโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CosmicallyKayla
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 17 2020
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So I just had my first day at my new job at Subway... My boss told me they've never seen someone as bad as me...

Oh shit, wrong sub!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/LupusIP
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 02 2020
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Hey guys, anybody else with social anxiety wanna meet up tomorrow?

Oh wait, Shit, I can't go, I am too busy

Maybe another time

I am so sorry

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Not_Serious_BTW
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 23 2019
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My husband suggested we get a repeater to improve our router signal...

Me: A what?

Him: A repeater.

Me: dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin

Him: Oh my god.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/misscharl0tte
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 12 2016
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What do you say when you get snitched on

OH SHIT A RAT!!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Daemon-Rolfe
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 14 2019
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What did the proctologist say when her husband asked her how her day was?

" oh you know. Same 'ol shit."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/WhiskeysDead
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 06 2019
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My dad has just discovered memes...

He said to me:

What's Dat Boi's favourite form of social media?

Oh shit, WhatsApp.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/domlyttle
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 18 2016
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Excuse me, nurse. Why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?

Oh shit! Some asshole has my pen.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/AskSageNate
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 25 2019
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Two friends are out at the lake..

One of the guys pulls out this really, really long lighter. And his friend says, "Hey, that's a cool lighter. Where'd you get it?" He says, "Oh, I've got this magic genie in a lamp. You know, rub the lamp, get a wish." Friend goes, "Well shit, man! Don't hold out! I want a wish!" "Okay, man, but I have to warn you.. This genie is *really* old.." "All right, whatever, just give me a wish." So he rubs the lamp, the genie comes out, and grants him a wish. He says, "I want a million bucks!" "Your wish is granted," says the genie, he disappears into the lamp, and suddenly a million *ducks* descend upon this lake. The guy is baffled and says, "Hey, what's the deal? I asked for a million *bucks*, not a million *ducks*.." His friend replies, "Dude, you think I asked for a 12-inch *Bic*?"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 03 2019
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Bathroom dad joked my eight year old

My three year old daughter needs help wiping her backside after using the bathroom (#2) sometimes. It's that or she might get a rash... oh, the joys of parenting. My eight year old son was in the hallway.

Son: Dad, why do you need to help [daughter] wipe her butt?

Me: Because she does a shitty job.

(Yes, in the interest of the dad joke, I did say shit to my eight year old. He's heard it before.)

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/dtsjr
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 07 2014
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My depressed daughter asked me what I do when I'm down. I told her take a bath when she feels sad."

So this sarcastic shit then asks, "Oh dearest papa, but why? I am already cleansed in an utmost, albeit tragic, fashion?"

So I said, "Because it'll make you feel bather."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Cellardoor377
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 23 2019
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Dealing with some shit

I live on a sail boat and started what I thought would be a small project. I wanted to ensure that my toilet plumbing was working correctly before having a guest over so I turned on my macerator and began pumping clear water through the system to clean the toilet and clear the system completely. For those that donโ€™t know, a macerator is basically a garbage disposal like you would have in your kitchen sink buttttt for your poop. It cuts up your poop and toilet paper so that it can be discarded over board in smaller pieces. Of course the pump wasnโ€™t working correctly so I detached some plumbing, looked into the macerator motor and got way more into it than I had planned for. My guest was on her way and I didnโ€™t want to necessarily tell her what I was dealing with because I didnโ€™t want to gross her out. When she showed up I was just putting stuff away and had finished the project. Of course she asked what I was working on, I proclaim โ€œ oh I just needed to deal with some shitโ€ and left it at that.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/lzrdkng421
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 31 2018
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my dad has been having some stomach problems lately. while talking to my dad on the phone, I asked him "how is your stomach doing?"

he responded a bit sluggishly "eh, It's not doing too well."

me: "uh oh, why not?"

him: "I don't know man, everything I eat turns to shit."

:I

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/tbagtrett
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 04 2014
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It was so bad I had to push her away from me.

So the other week the lady and I went for a hike up in the Berkeley Hills and we came across some cows. There were two cows that were affectionate towards each other and their hair colors matched ours (she has red hair, I have black) and she said oh look, that's us if we were cows!

Fast forward to this morning. We were lazy getting out of bed (one too many fernets last night) and I mentioned we should pay a visit to our cow buddies.

She replies with the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen her do: "Dont you mean our COW-nterparts?!"

I had to push her off me and get outta bed after that one. (Mostly jealous that I didn't think of it)

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 35
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/issu
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 29 2017
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Dad got me today...

My dad stayed home from work today, and I asked him if he stayed home for a specific reason, as I needed some help with my car. He said, "Yeah, I've got a problem with my eyes." I said, 'Oh, shit, really?', "Yeah, I couldn't see myself going into work today."

.....God damnit lol

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 474
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Kourageous
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 06 2015
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My dad just owned me in a facebook message rap battle.

First of all, yes my family have rap battles over facebook, we are that white. It's been a fun rap battle of sorts, and my dad just threw down then well... Here is the conversation:


Father: Parental rap battle, game over with this one...

Father: You say we are weak

that our rhymes are the worst

Just remember my lad that we were here first

Rap didn't begin right now with your gang

It started with ours and came out with a bang

That we can't rap - on Twitter you say

o what a betrayal, Et tu, Brute

Oh no, oh snap, did that happen here

Dad threw down some latin from Will Shakespeare

I'm done with this battle and now I'll decree

Just remember my apple you fell from this tree

Me: I honestly have no words.

Father: Shit.... [TheLegitMidgit] is speechless. How could that be?

Me: Color me impressed.

Father: Is that green?

Me: Stop while you're ahead.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 195
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TheLegitMidgit
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 15 2014
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30 Skeleton puns. Can you handle the skull rattling mayhem?

The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.

The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.

The Duke of Dance: help.

Sans: I gotta write these down.

The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit

The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.

Sans: I find this humerus.

The Duke of Dance: damn

The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.

The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.

Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.

The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.

The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.

The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.

The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.

Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?

The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.

Sans: That was alright.

The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?

The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.

The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop

Sans: I'm having a pun time.

The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.

The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.

The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.

The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.

The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.

The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?

Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?

The Duke of Dance: Do

The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?

The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.

Sans: I don't see any arrows.

Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.

The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.

Sans: Have you any backbone?

The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.

The Duke of Dance: :3

Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER

The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?

The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.

The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.

Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.

The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PhilisophicalToast
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 07 2015
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Science joke build up

I work as a salesman in a call center. We were going over some of the more interesting names weโ€™ve seen and called. Without disclosing the last name my neighbor said oh, you havenโ€™t heard of โ€œCytoplasm XXXXXXXโ€? I answered. The guy is a computer programmer who Iโ€™d imagine changed his name to that unless his parents are that cruel. I start rambling off โ€œCytoplasm?? Of all the organelles in a eukaryotic cell to name yourself you pick cytoplasm?! What about Golgi apparatus, or endoplasmic reticulum?โ€ My manager chimes in โ€œwow you memorized a lot from bioโ€ I told her I went to college for science shit but โ€œnow here I am making phone calls as a professional, thanks collegeโ€ to which my neighbor replies.... โ€œI guess now you could say youโ€™re a PROkaryote

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Fly_MartinZ
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 23 2018
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Even in my grandpas last days he still had some in him.

My grandpa was dying of cancer and he had severe bowel problems to which he needs nurse assistance to go #2. He hasn't gone for several days now and calls for help once again.

Nurse: "Ok let's try this again and if that doesn't work we'll try something else"

enter 7ft tall 300lb black man (2nd nurse)

Grandpa: "Oh so you're going to try to scare the shit out of me now"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 412
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/truestory_bro
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 12 2013
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My dad, type 2 diabetic, after 11 months of suffering chemo/radiation treatment for pancreatic cancer, 5 months after he was told the surgery failed and it was terminal. Brother reads off the back of a Sweet'N Low packet "...been determined to cause cancer to laboratory animals" Dad snaps back

"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."

Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Dude0311
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 20 2017
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Donkey walks into a bar and sees thereโ€™s a horse in the bar as well.

Donkey starts speaking to the horse, โ€œSo what do you do?โ€

โ€œOh in the summer I do racing and in the winter I do the showjumping.โ€ says the horse.

Donkeys thinking, holy shit, this is a thoroughbred.

โ€œWhat do you do?โ€ Asks the horse.

All embarrassed the donkey says โ€œoh... uh... well in the summer I give rides to kids at the beachโ€

They chat a bit more and arrange to go round the donkey's house for drinks next week. Donkey's thinking to himself heโ€™s got to come up with some way to impress the thoroughbred. So he gets a picture of a Zebra, a nice frame and hangs it up.

Horse comes round and goes โ€œOh this is a nice house youโ€™ve got, thatโ€™s a nice picture tooโ€

Donkey says โ€œOh aye, thatโ€™s when I played for Juventusโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Skubbags
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 15 2018
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 117
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CountBlah_Blah
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 16 2014
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There is a bear in my garage...

Oh shit it's coming right at me

Update: I accidentally played dad instead of playing dead and now it can ride a bike

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/womencaviar
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 25 2017
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A single woman who was 3 months pregnant fell into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awoke and asked the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: "You had twins! A boy and a girl and they are both fine. We let the brother name them both for you"

Mother: "Oh shit, he's an idiot! What did he name my baby girl?"

Doctor: "Denise."

Mother: "Oh.. That's not too bad. What is my sons name?"

Doctor: "Denephew"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Luxbu
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 22 2015
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Cock and sperm joke for kids

(This joke just deserved a more catchy title, sorry for the mess.)

Every Tuesday growing up, we had German sausages and sauerkraut for dinner - my dad's favorite. Since I can remember, my dad has told this joke and never misses a chance telling it till this day:

"You know kids, it's not the sausage that makes you fat, it's the sauce!"

Both my younger sister and l looked at eachother, rolled our eyes and thought - why is he telling this joke every single time.. it doesnt make sense! There is no sauce here! Only fried sausages, sauerkraut and potatoes. In fact, where is the goddamn sauce, we could need it. This dish is dry as shit! My poor mom shrugged her shoulders, seemingly just as confused.

When i was about 11-12, I caught up on my dad's hinting and eye contact after the punch line.. he wanted me to get the joke so bad at this point lol. I had a moment, as they say. Oh... OOHH. BOOM. Omg the "SAUCE"!! From the sausage.. makes some people fat.. as in pregnant.. Mind. Blown.

My sister, around 8 at that time, had a few hundred more sausage dinners to "ketchup" ;) I'm not doing so bad myself, 'ey?

Edit: For the slow people out there, this joke is about sausage=penis, sauce=sperm and getting fat=pregnant. Did you have your moment too?? Admittingly, the joke works better in my native language, but you get the idea.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DeathrowHappymeal
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 09 2015
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Hey dad [my wife] and I are going to Greece this fall!

Dad: Uh oh be careful.

Me: ...why?

Dad: I heard they have really GREECE-Y (greasy) food there. cue shit-eating grin

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thehofhammer
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 31 2017
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Why'd the stoner take a ton of laxatives while high?

Oh, just shits and giggles

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Maimedbystander
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 29 2014
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Had a good one at the Casino last night

Taking a piss in the bathroom, random guy 1 pissing next to me. Random guy 2 enters

Random Guy 1: oh shit what's up RG2 happy birthday dude Random Guy 2: Thanks man it's actually my birthday for once Me: I'm pretty sure you've had more than one birthday

Many groans were expressed

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Buster_cherry73
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 31 2015
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Here's a long one, it won't disappoint.

My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):

These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.

whoosh

whoosh

whoosh

The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.

"What the hell is that noise?"

"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."

"The Foo bird?"

"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."

"That's silly."

"Well, that's what the locals say."

The noise gets louder and closer.

WHOOSH

WHOOSH

WHOOSH

The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.

"It's huge!"

Suddenly...

SPLAT

All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.

The first of the three men says, "that's got to be a coincidence."

He wipes the shit off, and drops dead.

The second guy nervously says, "it can't be true"

He wipes it off and drops dead.

The third guy doesn't wipe it off. He was found a few days later, and went home, refusing to be cleaned.

A few years pass, his life has been destroyed due to being covered in shit. His wife left him, his friends won't come near him, he can't find a job... One day, he's in the bathroom shaving around the shit.

"It's been years, most of it has flaked off, it's probably fine to wipe it off now."

He hesitates, but eventually grabs a towel, wets it down, and takes a deep breath.

He wipes the shit off, looks up into the mirror smiling, then drops dead.

The moral of the story is:

If the Foo shits, wear it.

show more
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/fire_marshall_ill
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 11 2013
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We were out browsing for sleep number beds, and dad let this loose on the salesman.

"What do you call twins conceived on a waterbed? "Off springs!"

Oh, dad. Your sense of humor can't hold water...

Shit, now he's got me doing it. Send help!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 45
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/barthm1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 27 2014
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A Flora and Fauna Funny

My wife and I were hanging out in our room when the cat walked in. I looked at it and told her to give us some privacy, and she left. I said to my wife "oh shit, she knows English! She's a spy!" My wife goes "yeah, I think she's a plant." Without thinking, I replied "nope, she's a cat." Now my wife refuses to acknowledge me when I talk. Worth it.

edit: derp typo

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/UTLRev1312
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 27 2015
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How to get your kid to stop picking his nose around you.

When I was a kid, any time my dad saw me picking my nose, he would say:

"Hey, is that a diamond in your nose?"

Me: "What? No."

Him: "Oh IT'SNOT?? ***IT'S SNOT???***"

After the first couple times, I stopped responding. The worst part is that he eventually stopped caring whether I humored him or not and would just jump right into the punchline.

"Is that a diamond in your nose? OH, IT'S SNOT??" And then he would just laugh hysterically, and say it again while he was recovering from his laughing fit. "IT'S SNOT?!?!?" He'd probably say it 5 or 6 times while increasingly losing his shit each time until his words were just incoherent. I used to think he was laughing at the joke itself, but now I'm pretty sure that the more straight/annoyed my face was, the funnier the whole bit was for him, which explains why he would laugh harder and harder as he went on with it. Then he'd finish with one of those high pitched 'laugh-ending' sighs and wipe his eyes. God it was obnoxious.

I can't wait until I'm a dad and I get to use it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 34
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SlapYourHands
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 05 2013
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Dad shows his knowledge of Asian cuisine

My girlfriend and I went to dinner with my parents tonight and one of the specials was crab wontons. My girlfriend asked the server, "how much is the wonton special?" But just before the server could answer, dad chimes in:

"The wonton special? Oh that's about 2000 pounds. I don't know what the price is though." Followed by a shit eating grin.

Thanks for always being so helpful, dad.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Lights0ff
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 29 2015
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Educated my son at the grocery store yesterday, made another dad laugh

In the freezer section, my 2 year old goes:

"What's that daddy?"

"Those are turkey drums. (drumsticks with a brand name) That's how they get into turkey rock bands"

"oh"

Like he just accepts this shit as fact and I can't stop myself :D

Fiancรฉe thought it was a stupid joke so I can be sure it was awesome.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Razorshroud
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 04 2015
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got got got go-

Oh shit, I almost forgot.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sodium_hater
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 05 2019
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