I once had a dyslexic chemist call me out on my bullshit.

He called me a hypochlorite.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/funsized_fireball
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My computer often overheats due to RAMdom bullshit.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatBenStiller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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Who wrote all this bullshit?

...said a blind man after touching a grater.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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Every time I hear a politician speak, I have this overwhelming feeling that I’ve heard this bullshit before.

Psychologists call it DΓ©jΓ  poo.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend's son was talking about how it was bullshit that you took fall damage in games.

I agreed with him that it was totally unreasonable. It should be spring damage.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I try to look through all the bullshit and see others how they really are.

I guess you could say I'm a peephole person.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, β€œGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, β€œWhat’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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What’s the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office?

If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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What do you call a cross between a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu?

Bullshit.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iOSSwiftDeveloper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Premature ejaculation
πŸ‘︎ 439
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the cow fired from his job at the methane plant?

The boss was tired of his gaslighting bullshit

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/khy94
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tax on imported cow manure?

A doody duty

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dq72
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
These jokes aren't half bad...
πŸ‘︎ 327
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RevGrizzly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Old Farmer: If you want your crops to grow, you must remember to fertilize your land properly.

New guy: That sounds like bullshit.

Farmer: Yes, exactly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fake turd?

A shampoo

πŸ‘︎ 405
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VomitingPotato
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!

Yep. It's our bison-tennial.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas...

It's big red flag

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNova_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do witch doctors never get fat?

Because they’re always exorcising.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheglet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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I don’t see the point of slurry

It’s all bullshit

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ONIONSAREKINGS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered two large fries

and instead they just gave me a whole bunch of tiny little ones. This is bullshit.

πŸ‘︎ 349
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πŸ‘€︎ u/H_G_Bells
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
In the old Wild West there was a notorious gang of dangerous outlaws, they’d just attacked a town.

The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.

After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said β€œLook sheriff we are all too tired, why don’t you guys rest up here and I’ll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I can’t find us some grub?, I’ll be back by morning”

The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.

The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says β€œwhere the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!”

Deputy says β€œwell you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god there’s this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!”

β€œBullshit!” Says the sheriff β€œyou stay here I’m going to check this out!”

So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.

The next morning the deputy see’s the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.

Deputy says to the sheriff β€œ Boss what the hell happened!”

The sheriff looks up from the ground and says β€œBACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasn’t a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FleetChief
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are left-handed protesting?

Because they have no rights.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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The first person to farm with manure must have been seen as crazy

They probably had to explain their bullshit

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HansMLither
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
If sham means something's fake

Then is shampoo bullshit?

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustinTimeCuber
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Co-worker: "I watched my first porno last night."

Me: "Your first one? Yeah, bullshit."

Him: "No really. My god did I ever look young."

πŸ‘︎ 680
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πŸ‘€︎ u/taylordanielle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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What do get when a bulldog and a shitzu Breed?

Bullshit!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lockdoggs15
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my mom today.

Me: didn't uncle Floyd own a dairy farm?

Mom: It was his parents but they sold it for around 3 million dollars.

Me: Wow, thats a real cash cow.

Dad begins laughing from the other room

πŸ‘︎ 445
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EliteJDL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2015
🚨︎ report
There’s no way cow manure works as fertilizer

That’s just bullshit man

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dd0sed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
It is said that male cows don't defecate

But as you See this is bullshit

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaku2201
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a farmer who's afraid of his own cows?

A COWard

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/colacross
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad was offered sex for services. (x-post r/funny)

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vance524
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad, type 2 diabetic, after 11 months of suffering chemo/radiation treatment for pancreatic cancer, 5 months after he was told the surgery failed and it was terminal. Brother reads off the back of a Sweet'N Low packet "...been determined to cause cancer to laboratory animals" Dad snaps back

"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."

Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dude0311
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
🚨︎ report
what do you get when you cross a shih tzu and a bulldog?

bullshit.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t get the point of slurry

It’s all bullshit

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ONIONSAREKINGS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered two large fries

But instead they gave me a whole bunch of little ones. This is bullshit.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sobrasada1009
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you call a breed between a bulldog and shitzu

bullshit

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeffrey15092001
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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