...said a blind man after touching a grater.
Psychologists call it Déjà poo.
I agreed with him that it was totally unreasonable. It should be spring damage.
I guess you could say I'm a peephole person.
A doody duty
New guy: That sounds like bullshit.
Farmer: Yes, exactly.
A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...
So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.
The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"
The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.
"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.
"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re
... keep reading on reddit ➡
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
It’s all bullshit
Because they’re always exorcising.
It's big red flag
The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.
After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said “Look sheriff we are all too tired, why don’t you guys rest up here and I’ll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I can’t find us some grub?, I’ll be back by morning”
The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.
The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says “where the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!”
Deputy says “well you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god there’s this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!”
“Bullshit!” Says the sheriff “you stay here I’m going to check this out!”
So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.
The next morning the deputy see’s the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.
Deputy says to the sheriff “ Boss what the hell happened!”
The sheriff looks up from the ground and says “BACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasn’t a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!”
But instead they gave me a whole bunch of little ones. This is bullshit.
Because they have no rights.
They probably had to explain their bullshit
Then is shampoo bullshit?
Bullshit!
Me: "Your first one? Yeah, bullshit."
Him: "No really. My god did I ever look young."
That’s just bullshit man
But as you See this is bullshit
Me: didn't uncle Floyd own a dairy farm?
Mom: It was his parents but they sold it for around 3 million dollars.
Me: Wow, thats a real cash cow.
Dad begins laughing from the other room
A COWard
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.
"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."
Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.
We named the puppy, Bullshit.
Which is bullshit! I had, like, six crows, max!
While watching Penn and Teller: Bullshit. The episode is Sex, sex, sex.
Dad: "Hey Ejgamer, what are you watchin'?"
Me: "This lady who can enlarge boobs through hypnosis."
Dad: "You mean hypno-tits?"
Me: "Yeah but I'm pretty sure it'll be a bust."
Obligatory groans ensued.
My coworker at a liquor store dropped this on our boss last night, credit to /u/TheCaliCashier. He isn't familiar with dadjokes so I had to bring it here for him.
TheCaliCashier: You know this store is haunted right?
Boss: Bullshit. I worked here twelve years and haven't seen anything.
TheCaliCashier: Well it is, but most the spirits are bottled.
Edit: Correcting punch line to actual delivery.
We were at a bookstore, and my dad was looking at animal field guides:
Me: Hey look, this one says it's for "Texas Wildlife Scats and Tracks."
Dad: Oh yeah? Picks it up
Me: Yeah! With that you'd be able to to tell who's poops were who's.
Dad: Well yeah, it's scratch and sniff.
Said it so matter of fact that I almost missed it.
I'm in my kitchen this morning trying to make myself some oatmeal when I discover that we are out of bowls yet again. (We only have a couple and we have a roommate, so this is a common problem.)
I say to my husband, "We need more fucking bowls! This is bullshit!"
He starts to giggle.
"What the fuck is so funny about not having enough bowls???"
"It sounded like you said, 'This is bowlshit.'" He continues to laugh.
Sigh.
It’s all bullshit
and instead they just gave me a whole bunch of tiny little ones. This is bullshit.
bullshit
