Honey, I’ve got something to tell you and for once I’m not full of crap
Coach Butt pushed his team The Doodies into the Toilet Bowl. But, his team was playing like crap after a heavy load. And even though Coach knew his #1 was flushed, he pointed at him and said...
what do you call a restaurant that serves crap burgers??
My wife keeps telling me my dad jokes are crap.
They stink, they take too long, they're usually corny, and I'm way too proud of them.
Why is just farting when you think you have to crap like a hair care product?
My husband was running his mouth the other day, talking so much crap at me.
I asked him if he was a mushroom?
"Because you're being really shit-talky right now"
One of my proudest moments
I saw something in the tub and thought the cat took a crap in there, but he just knocked over some of my wife’s hair care products.
There were 3 guys, Shutup, Manners, and Crap.
They were walking across the road one day and Crap fell down, so Shutup went to get help. He comes across a policeman and he asks Shutup, "What's your name?"
He replies, "Shutup".
The policeman :"Hey, where are you manners?!"
Shutup says, "Outside on the road picking up crap"
If you took a dump in a church, would it be called a holy crap?
Did you hear the recent electrifying news about a drunken idiot who climbed a power pole and got the crap shocked out of him?
It's good to keep up on current events.
Son: Math sucks so much. My teacher wants me to find the square root of I Don’t Give a Crap.
Dad: Easy! Next time, just tell your teacher I Don’t Give Two Shits.
Playing craps with toilet paper dice
Props to the school janitor for always dealing with your crap
I don't believe in the bros before hoes or hoes before bros crap. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Note: homeostasis is a scientific term for "equilibrium". Sorry if this went over your head 😁
As its so crap, ban shredded cheese!
I see and It's Carbon, Radium, Phosphorus... (CRaP)
When I ask questions about constipation, everybody says it has something to do with human crap. But the truth is, it has something "not to do" with human crap.
It's just crap when you think about it
When I walked into church, I suddenly got the urge to crap.
If you think pissing on the dice will help you win craps...
How is fake dog crap like Head&Shoulders?
Wife: “This morning’s breakfast tasted like crap.”
Husband: “It wasn’t crepe, it was toastered.”
What do you call a stand-up comedian who’s taking a crap?
Dad: "I can't believe they're still together after all of the crap they've been through..."
Dad: "My butt cheeks."
My wife asked me why I always talk so much crap
I told her poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they are definitely a solid number two
"That's the closest thing to crap I have ever eaten," I told the waiter.
"I apologise sincerely, sir," he replied.
I said, "No need. It's the carp."
What does a crap like to eat for dinner?
What the crap is going on in my hallway?!
Why is playing craps better in Hawaii?
Because it's a tropical pair of dice.
Most geology puns are crap.
However, this one's a gem!
You know, I heard that the geology department at MIT just isn't what it used to be; it's slated for removal.
All that I can say is that puns about geology are a diamond dozen.
Many geologists live a rather sedimentary lifestyle.
Are you bored yet? I have way Moh if you want.
What do you call fake crap?
If someone takes a crap in the shredder
Is it considered confidential waste?
Last night we were fishing in Warframe when my son said, 'Holy crap - This fish weighs 40kg on the nose!'
"How much did the rest of it weigh?"
I buy so much crap
You could call me a.... crap-italist.
I told my dad he was full of crap..
"Nope I just got off the toilet"
My ideal vacation is playing craps in Vegas.
Whenever our WiFi craps out
I tell my roommates "Looks like our network ...
... does notwork."
How does Coolio play craps?
With a gangsters pair-a-dice
My father comes out with crap all the time, but this one is something else.
'Did you hear about that shooting in Hounslow? Yeah, they closed the shop and everything: some guy had a starter pistol and was threatening to shoot everyone.'
<the sound of my mother and me shocked and putting on BBC News>
'The police said it was race related.'
That Coldplay song must be about a girl with a serious craps/gambling addiction.
She's always dreaming about a pair of dice.
Told my friend I was tired of holding his crap
And he responds with "I just go to the bathroom when I'm tired of hold my crap."
I can't believe they're still together after all of the crap they've been through
My dad: I can't believe they're still together after all the crap they've been through
My Dad: My butt cheeks