Honey, I’ve got something to tell you and for once I’m not full of crap

I just took a giant dump

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjmaxal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
Coach Butt pushed his team The Doodies into the Toilet Bowl. But, his team was playing like crap after a heavy load. And even though Coach knew his #1 was flushed, he pointed at him and said...

Urine.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buschman98
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
what do you call a restaurant that serves crap burgers??

...wacdonalds

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps telling me my dad jokes are crap.

They stink, they take too long, they're usually corny, and I'm way too proud of them.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
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Crap
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emotional_Plenty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
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Why is just farting when you think you have to crap like a hair care product?

They're both sham-poo

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
My husband was running his mouth the other day, talking so much crap at me.

I asked him if he was a mushroom?

"No??"

"Because you're being really shit-talky right now"

One of my proudest moments

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
I saw something in the tub and thought the cat took a crap in there, but he just knocked over some of my wife’s hair care products.

It was a shampoop.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fungiinmygarden
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
There were 3 guys, Shutup, Manners, and Crap.

They were walking across the road one day and Crap fell down, so Shutup went to get help. He comes across a policeman and he asks Shutup, "What's your name?"

He replies, "Shutup".

The policeman :"Hey, where are you manners?!"

Shutup says, "Outside on the road picking up crap"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DillBourne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
If you took a dump in a church, would it be called a holy crap?
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Videoguru16
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the recent electrifying news about a drunken idiot who climbed a power pole and got the crap shocked out of him?

It's good to keep up on current events.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Son: Math sucks so much. My teacher wants me to find the square root of I Don’t Give a Crap.

Dad: Easy! Next time, just tell your teacher I Don’t Give Two Shits.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Bleach the crap outta it
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AetherScience
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Ahh crap
πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spicytoenails
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Playing craps with toilet paper dice
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catsask
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Props to the school janitor for always dealing with your crap
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsEmeraldd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't believe in the bros before hoes or hoes before bros crap. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

Note: homeostasis is a scientific term for "equilibrium". Sorry if this went over your head 😁

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electrocuter666
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
As its so crap, ban shredded cheese!

Make it grate again!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/air28uk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I see and It's Carbon, Radium, Phosphorus... (CRaP)
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mralijey
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
When I ask questions about constipation, everybody says it has something to do with human crap. But the truth is, it has something "not to do" with human crap.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
It's just crap when you think about it
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainPogwash
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
When I walked into church, I suddenly got the urge to crap.

I had to take a pew!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
If you think pissing on the dice will help you win craps...

Urine luck

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siKing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
How is fake dog crap like Head&Shoulders?

They're both sham-poo.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/copycat042
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife: β€œThis morning’s breakfast tasted like crap.”

Husband: β€œIt wasn’t crepe, it was toastered.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jadekinsjackson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a stand-up comedian who’s taking a crap?

A sit-down commodean.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottzee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: "I can't believe they're still together after all of the crap they've been through..."

Mom: "Who?"

Dad: "My butt cheeks."

πŸ‘︎ 203
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me why I always talk so much crap

I told her poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they are definitely a solid number two

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gooncraw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
"That's the closest thing to crap I have ever eaten," I told the waiter.

"I apologise sincerely, sir," he replied.

I said, "No need. It's the carp."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What does a crap like to eat for dinner?

Crabbage.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seanjordan567
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What the crap is going on in my hallway?!
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imcyberpunk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Why is playing craps better in Hawaii?

Because it's a tropical pair of dice.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bentnotbroken96
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Most geology puns are crap.

However, this one's a gem!

You know, I heard that the geology department at MIT just isn't what it used to be; it's slated for removal.

All that I can say is that puns about geology are a diamond dozen.

Many geologists live a rather sedimentary lifestyle.

Are you bored yet? I have way Moh if you want.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mage_Of_Cats
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call fake crap?

Shampoo

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ragnago
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2016
🚨︎ report
If someone takes a crap in the shredder

Is it considered confidential waste?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Last night we were fishing in Warframe when my son said, 'Holy crap - This fish weighs 40kg on the nose!'

"How much did the rest of it weigh?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobocopsRobofist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I buy so much crap

You could call me a.... crap-italist.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lizardio11228
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
🚨︎ report
I told my dad he was full of crap..

"Nope I just got off the toilet"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/warhawksahocky27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2016
🚨︎ report
My ideal vacation is playing craps in Vegas.

It's a paradise.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrianKid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Whenever our WiFi craps out

I tell my roommates "Looks like our network ...

... does notwork."

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wxyo
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2015
🚨︎ report
How does Coolio play craps?

With a gangsters pair-a-dice

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masta666
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
🚨︎ report
My father comes out with crap all the time, but this one is something else.

'Did you hear about that shooting in Hounslow? Yeah, they closed the shop and everything: some guy had a starter pistol and was threatening to shoot everyone.'
<the sound of my mother and me shocked and putting on BBC News>
'The police said it was race related.'

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcrp73
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2015
🚨︎ report
That Coldplay song must be about a girl with a serious craps/gambling addiction.

She's always dreaming about a pair of dice.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Told my friend I was tired of holding his crap

And he responds with "I just go to the bathroom when I'm tired of hold my crap."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haylow1221
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2015
🚨︎ report
I can't believe they're still together after all of the crap they've been through

My dad: I can't believe they're still together after all the crap they've been through

Me: Who?

My Dad: My butt cheeks

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DynamicWanderer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report

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