Metamor-feces
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wiggum1623
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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My brother went to jail. He didn't take it well. Started insulting and attacking everyone and threw his own feces on the walls.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

πŸ‘︎ 805
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yankee9Niner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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I really appreciate couples that divide their feces equally with each other.

They really halve their shit together

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yotapata
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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My doctor thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample

I told him it was the least I could doo

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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I invented a contraption that I could use to refine feces from long distances...

I smelt that sh!t a mile away!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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The substance you wash your hair with isn’t made from real feces, it’s fake. You could say it’s sham poo.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idkwhatevsqwert
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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Why does killer whale feces smell so good?

Because it's shampoo.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendenmefford
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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What did the archaeologists say when he found remnants of Jesus’s feces

HOLY CRAP

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing feces at zoo employees

Three of the zoo employees were rushed to hospital with turd debris burns

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tubbybutters
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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Scientists have created human feces with the help of a 3D printer.

Shit just got real.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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I just concluded research mapping chimp feces ...

... the locations are marked on a scatter plot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/8bagels
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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A salon was fined the other day for using synthetic feces to wash hair...

... they got in trouble for using sham poo.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wilkc
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
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A man had some feces stuck on him.

They had to ampootate it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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What do you get when you eat too much peanut butter?

Reese’s feces

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElricGreywolf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop

Dr. Dre

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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My brother hated going to jail

He refused to eat or drink anything, spat on everyone and covered the walls with his own feces...

We never played monopoly again.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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What is a maggot’s favorite candy?

Feces Pieces

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ssaammiiaamm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Constipated?

Try...

Fece-Ease

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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You don't often see "turtles" spelled T-U-R-D-l-e-s

because they're an endangered feces

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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Have you heard about the newest shit show that made it on Broadway?

It’s called Feces the Musical.

I heard it got crap reviews.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bcduncanxc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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So my dad just figured out how to text message, and he's taking full advantage of it.

This is the exact interaction that took place:

Dad: I have a joke for you

Me: Aight.

Dad: When someone expresses an annoying opinion ask them...

Me: Go on. Im enthralled.

Dad: Deer eat grass, cows eat grass

Dad: Horses eat grass

Dad: Ask: why is deer poop like raisins but cow poop look like paddies and horse look like apple plop

Dad: He or she will say I do not know

Dad: R u ready for punchline?

Me: I was born ready.

Dad: Ok then...

Dad: U say, why do I care what u say when you don't know shit!

Me: I see you learned to text message.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllantheCat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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I went to tour a haunted bathroom the other day...

In the toilet, floating just above the water, was a ghostly poop. I was so terrified, I shrieked a long sustained note until, finally, the feces disappeared.

Luckily I was able to remember that you can kill boo turds with one's tone.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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I knew a guy who worked at a sewage treatment plant...

He’s writing a book called β€œThe Origin of the Feces”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkFast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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My kid's not getting shit for his birthday.

Feces would be a terrible present.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TundieRice
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
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I am so proud of myself.

We have a dog.

He does his business in a pen.

This pen needs to be cleaned out often because this dog is slightly touched in the head and has a habit of stepping in his own feces.

On the regular.

So... it's been getting dark out before I get home and I haven't had a chance to stay on top of the task.

Last night I grab a very small flashlight and go out to the pen to do a quick poop pickup.

2 minutes later I came back in the house, slammed the flashlight on the table and proclaimed to the rest of my family "I CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THIS LIGHT"

dadjokes are all the better when you are the only one laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncle_solf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entophreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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Asstrological Signs

My dad's go-to pickup line at bars

"Hey, what's your sign? Mine's Feces!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalfBloodHouse
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing feces at zoo employees.

Three of the employees were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koravel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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My brother went to jail.

He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeyhowellplays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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