I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."

My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."

True story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObiWanKaDaddy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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My dad took me down to a garden centre to buy manure but they were out of stock.

We weren't taking shit from anyone that day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coralthesequel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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A farmer attempted to tow a load of manure down the interstate at 5 pm. Of course, it caused a crash and traffic jam...

I can't believe he tried to pull this shit!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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My farmer friend says he makes his manure from horse shi**

But I thought it was bullshi**

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nuudom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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What do you call a tax on imported cow manure?

A doody duty

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dq72
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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I've spent the last 8 hours spreading manure by hand

Should have used a shovel really

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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The first person to farm with manure must have been seen as crazy

They probably had to explain their bullshit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HansMLither
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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Today when I was driving a manure truck tipped over.

Guess you could say that guy... Lost his shit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ayyohyahboi125
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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Wife and I were driving past a dairy farm, and all she could smell was manure

I guess she prefers a clean dairy air

*edit. This actually happened. She almost tipped the car her eyes rolled so hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SalmonGram
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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Once manure companies run out of stock,

They'll just stop giving a crap.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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I'm going to market a new organic fertilizer made from 100% male chicken manure. It will be sold as

Cockadoodle-do-do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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There’s no way cow manure works as fertilizer

That’s just bullshit man

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dd0sed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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The tractor company's manure spreader is the only piece of equipment they won't stand behind.
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2016
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I was going to buy manure for my garden

but that shit's too expensive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NickRock__
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2016
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A man just told me I could make millions selling cow manure for a living.

Well I think it's bullshit...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jskoker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2013
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Why do cows never play chess?

Because they can’t make any mooooooooove

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oraefaibohp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?

An entre-manure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onesadbean
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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John Deere salespeople stand behind all of their products.

Except maybe the manure spreader

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmdeemer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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My daughter tells me that she wants to live in a nice house with her friends when they all have stable jobs.

I said, β€œWell sweetie, that’s nice, but I just can’t see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.”

To which she replied, β€œOh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!

He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djpatientnathan
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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What do you call a man who sells cow pies for a living?

An entre-manure!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MS_PaintEnhancer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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The shopkeeper did what?

Went to buy manure yesterday. But the shopkeeper ignored me.
He didn't seem to give a shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grammarjew--
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/estomasi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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My friend's dad's Facebook posts are golden

*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)

*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.

*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!

*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!

*If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? -Just wondering

*Harvard has long been known for its championship Rowing team – until this year. They had their first ever indecisive rower... he couldn’t choose either oar.

*I found an excellent seamstress who is so enthusiastic about her work that she's happy to make a pair of pants for you …or at least sew its seams.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

*I bought a new weed whacker yesterday & it is cutting-hedge technology!

*Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

*I read about a recent fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.

*I was saddened to hear that our local bakery was going out of business. They said they had decided to stop making donuts after they got tired of the hole thing.

*I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? …Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!!

*I wonder if their manure spreader is the only equipment John Deere won't stand behind.

*I saw a very emotional wedding recently... even the cake was in tiers!

*I'm glad I'm not a cross-eyed teacher... otherwise I'd find it too difficult to control my pupils!

*What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? ...Snow and Tell

*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

*What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? …Owlgebra

*What

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gwildcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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Tickled myself with this one the other day.

Driving home from work, I saw a house with a sign out front that read: "Free manure." I said to myself, "I bet that guy is full of shit."

I am a dad, by the way, but sadly none of my family was there for that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rock_Carlos
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
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