...But, fuck it.
"There's no cake, it's all just rocks and dirt."
Me: Did you know euthanasia is pink? Husband: What do you mean? Youth in Asia are yellow.
Because apparently euthanisia sounds like youth in Asia... Face palm.
I immediately interjected, "Wait: Are you saying dad is a cereal offender‽"
I was working nightshift at McDonalds and a dad and his son wanted some ice cream, chocolate, specifically. The machine wasnt acting right so I interjected and said, "the chocolate ice cream works, it's just acting funny" and the dad swoops in and asks, "does it tell jokes?
Me interjecting: “You’re average.”
"My waist is 32," he told the guy.
"That's not possible," I interjected. "Because you're only 26."
The nurse, my wife, and my mom discussing how he "came so early"
I interject with "I guess you could say he has a problem with, premature evacuation"
To my surprise they all actually laughed hard.
My young daughter is still learning to microwave food. She attempted to reheat some of her food last night, but left the fork in the bowl. The wife caught it and pointed out that it could cause the microwave to explode and potentially hit grandma who was sitting with her back to the microwave.
Wife (to daughter): "You wouldn't want Grandmom to get hit by glass shrapnel and a fork would you?"
Me (interjecting): "Well, at least then I would have a reason to say your Mom is really forked in the head."
The MIL nearly choked on her food, but laughed and could appreciate the joke. She know she cray cray.
I interjected and told her he seemed self-absorbed.
As stated my wife banished me to the couch for this.
She had a late start at work today, so she did some work around the house, including hanging the wreath.
After picking her up from work that evening we got home and she asked me if I liked the wreath. I responded with "the Franklin? It looks good".
She wasn't happy about that, and kept insisting I call it a wreath. Our friends all came over for D&D and I continued to interject whenever she showed someone that it was called "A Franklin".
Eventually she got really mad and demanded to know why I wouldn't call it a wreath. So I hugged her and said "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't know it was so important to you. I mean, A-Wreath, A-Franklin, what's the difference?".
So yeah, sleeping on the couch.
When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one another then back at their guide. "Trust me," he told them, "It's guaranteed or your money back." Having no plans and now both understandably intrigued, the pair agreed. When they arrived at the roller coaster, they were amazed to behold the giant steel skeleton of the most intricate ride they'd ever seen. It had loops, helixes, corkscrews and drops more terrifying than anything they'd ridden back home. The son quickly rescinded his consent and turned you guys father. "There's no way I'm getting on that thing. You go first," he said, "Then you can tell me if it's worth it." Not wanting to seem a coward, the father accepted. Stepping into the first car, he seated himself. As the attendant approached to check his shoulder restraint, her couldn't help but ask, "So how exactly am I supposed to learn an entire language from a roller coaster?" The attendant smiled and replied simply, "You'll see." Anticipation turned to unease as the cars lurched upward towards the first drop. The seconds felt like hours as the car climbed higher and higher, clicking steadily while the chain pulled it skyward. As the nose of the car tipped downward and he could see the enormous drop below, his inner fear turned verbal. Without thinking he screamed, "minä kuolen!" As he rounded the first turn and into an inverted twist, he debut another exclamation well inside and burst forth. "naida!" He screamed as the ride continued. A few minutes and many foreign-tongued exclamations later, he found himself back at the station trying to catch his breath with the smiling attendant removing his restraints. His ran up to his son and declared, "It really works! I'm not sure how, but it really works!" "How was it?" the son asked unimpressed. "It was a wild ride from start to Finnish." "The son smiled weakly. "Yeah , the cabbie stole our luggage."
Spoilers if you haven't seen the force awakens.
In the movie they are standing in the snow and Chewbacca interjects that he is cold to which Han replies "Oh really, YOU'RE cold?!"
Husband: I never noticed that line before. He's cold but he's wearing a fur coat. Me: He's not "wearing" it, it's his fur. Husband: Oh... Wookie mistake.
I had to stop the movie because I was busy facepalming. I'm 36 weeks pregnant, I guess he has to practice.
My wife was just babywearing our 11-week-old while she cooked dinner. As she did so, she was having a conversation both with our daughter and all the utensils.
"See, all the food in the pan is going sizzle sizzle sizzle! And we use Mr. Spatula to move it around. Say hi to Mr. Spatula! And then once it's done, we're going to put into Mr. Strainer. Can you say hi to Mr. Strainer?"
"Hey!", I interjected, "Absolutely not! Don't you go teaching her to talk to strainers!"
My daughter who is 15 was hanging out with one of her friends. They were having a typical teenage conversation over which is better turkey or chicken. After a good 5 minutes of "Turkey.. No chicken... No turkey!" I interjected and said "You know what... I think your conversation is pretty fowl". It was a very proud period of silence after that.
In a conversation about a pub called the Shakespear, my Mum had been with her friend and apparently it's quite nice. My Dad interjects with "I wonder how many people get bard from the Shakespear."
A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.
Despite the scene his son was causing, the father was cool and collected, slowly and calmly saying, "Don't worry, Donald. It'll be alright, Donald, we'll be home soon."
A nearby mother was very impressed with the father's self control, and wanted to express her gratitude for such calm parenting. "Sir, I'm amazed that you are able to be so calm! It's not every day I see such patient and gracious parenting. Now little guy, what seems to be the problem, Donald?"
"Oh no, ma'am, you're mistaken!" The father interjected, "This is my son, Henry. I'm Donald!"
^(Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there! Thank you for all you do.)
My mom was opening her presents and unwrapped a brand new fitbit. As she opened it, she exclaimed, "Yes! I am going to get fit!" And without even looking at each other, my dad and I simultaneously from opposite sides of the room interject, "Bit by bit!" My wife looked at me with an expression that was the perfect cocktail of disbelief, groaning, and eye-rolling while my father walked with his head held a little higher that night.
He's in the middle of making dinner, when he asks, "So what state is your résumé in?"
Before I can answer, he gleefully interjects, "DELAWARE!"
Stepmom: So are you thinking about studying abroad? Dad interjects from the next room: He already is! And her name's (girlfriend's name here).
whenever someone describes something and sums it up by saying, "and whatnot," my dad always interjects "mostly whatnot."
Was talking with my S.O. who mentioned Jack Gleeson (King Joffery) spoilt the death of Sirius Black in the Order of the Phoenix. When I called him a cunt for it she said "Are you seriously getting annoyed at that?". Her brother interjected "I guess you could say he's a Sirius fan!"
She and my brother were talking about different kinds of fruit. She comments that dates are expensive. I interject: Are they? Well I guess it depends where you go!
During a lull in conversation, I said "well..." and paused. She quickly interjected "Its a deep subject, don't fall in!"... 3 seconds later... groans all around.
...that's a deep subject.
My dad loves to interject "that's a deep subject" or "on it's side, it's just a tunnel" if I ever take too long after saying "Well..."
My dad, an electrician, just changed a lightbulb. The new bulb lit up and started humming. "Do you know why it's humming?" he asked. I was thinking it had to do with electrical current causing something to vibrate, but before I could answer, dad interjects "Because it doesn't know the words!"
While talking with my mom about possible names for our unborn son the name Wyatt came up. My father interjects with "I hope he isn't gassy." I walked right into that one with a "Why?" He responds "Because then he would be Wyatt Burp."