A guy walks into a therapist’s office exclaiming, β€œTeepee wigwam teepee wigwam!”

The therapist says, β€œCalm down, you’re two tents.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spangonia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My son (8) walked out of the bathroom this morning and exclaimed "whoof!...

... I haven't peed since last year!"

I couldn't be more proud

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcschnazz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 785
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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As the evil nano-bots swarmed the superhero’s wrist-based time piece, he exclaimed...

Not on my watch!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RAClef
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A peasant's wife told him to go get milk for the baby. Dutifully, he went to the market with the baby and brought home a hefty jug of milk. "You've forgotten the baby!" she exclaimed.

"No I haven't... I got milk for the baby!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catillionaire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was chopping down a tree but was surprised when the tree suddenly exclaimed, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chopinsbach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
*Passing every cemetery as a child* Dad would exclaim....

"WOW, people are DYING to get into that place!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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"Walnut, Date and Banana Bread?", I exclaimed to the barista...

"Yes, it is really nice." She said cheerfully

"Oh no, I don't agree with Dates, too many bad experiences for me" I said with a smirk ear to ear.

"Oh, really? Why is that?" She asked.

Calmly I said, "They all end badly."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cayphed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How does jesus exclaim?

Jeeeezzyaaas!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ubbless
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the foot exclaim when it met its long lost relative?

Ankle!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dazzko
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there honey! It’d really be a shame if someone..."

"...put an β€˜s’ at the front and an β€˜e’ at the end!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:

"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, β€œNO! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack responded, β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/articElite0
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Napoleon was visiting a friend at his new estate. The friends great pride was his lavatory which was a big room with pottet plants, beautiful tapestries and carpets. When Napoleon saw this he was gobsmacked and exclaimed "What a loo!"
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/operasmurf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
When it finally dawned on Watson that it was the limestone he exclaimed β€œBut Holmes, how did you know?!” /r/3amjokes/comments/fmr0…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenVosReinaert
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My son just played "Don't Break The Ice" by himself with two hammers and exclaimed "I won!"

To which I replied "but on the other hand, you lost"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/badenglishihave
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
"We don't need a fishy super hero!" The land locked victims exclaimed.

"I sea," said Aquaman

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the man exclaim after the change machine explained its purpose?

Ah, makes cents!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manlymatt83
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
After finishing making the first map of the world, the guy exclaimed...

"Atlas"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MEraser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a southern florist exclaim his disbelief?

What in 'Carnation??

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StalinsChoice
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Today while at work some coworkers were talking about the mushrooms they started cooking. I exclaimed β€œI like to think I’m a mushroom” they looked puzzled so I clarified β€œI like to think I’m a fun guy”
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dannyboy6657
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
True story: My SO and I got into an minor argument while laying in bed last night. I jokingly exclaimed β€œomg, I literally cannot stand you!”

To which he replied, β€œgood thing you’re laying down”. Ugh.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zestylemonn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
(real life) Left a door open for an elderly man.... he exclaimed:

What a Gentle.... Moment!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GGenErick
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, "Newton, I've found you!"

Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeifEriccson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
An Italian notices that his lawn is full of weeds. He exclaims,

MILAN!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeaAndBubbles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).

Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A chemistry student turns to his professor and excitedly exclaims "Sir this mountain has exactly 6.022x10^23 atoms in it!"

The professor sighs replying "no need to make mountains out of mol hills"

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5ision
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the shepherd exclaim after the snow storm?

I see you!

Icy ewe!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beaverpudding
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the farmer exclaim when the ducks got into his dairy farm?

Cheese and quackers!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A__Wild__Goose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
We were driving past the β€œFireworks Superstore” when my wife exclaimed wow that place is huge.

I replied yeah you just can’t hold a candle to that place.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
🚨︎ report
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas

An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend and I were arguing. She exclaimed "why can't I have a stable relationship!?”

I replied that "you should probably get a horse."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchNglide
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my friend I saw a man get thrown under a bus today. He exclaimed, β€œOh my God! Was it moving?!”

I said, β€œWell, a few people were crying, but I was fine.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
This morning my wife and I walked in to the kitchen only to find a panda bear frying up some eggs and bacon for breakfast. My wife exclaimed in horror: β€œWhat the hell is that?!”

β€œA frying pan. Duh!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErikMFoss
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender exclaims:

"Holy shit, a talking horse!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks - I’ll never part with it!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatmanC2000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My first official dad joke!!!

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim β€œhey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ β€˜n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

πŸ‘︎ 534
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πŸ‘€︎ u/do_it-to_it
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to sneeze, so exclaimed "Ca-shew"!

That sneeze was nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redreinard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
In recent news, a giant had a troubling discovery when he returned home from work.

After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,

"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 497
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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