I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...

Always trying to get the symphony vote.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T33NW01F
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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I've never understood why people sob quietly?

Use a megaphone for crying out loud!

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Awesome-79
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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Sob
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tommo7777
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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My neighbor ran over from his farm and was sobbing. β€œMy sheep are missing!” He cried. β€œMy sheep are missing! Please help me!”

I said β€œthat sounds like a ewe problem.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clubberin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. /r/Jokes/comments/hrlc58/…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLegendOfTrain
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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My sister majored in Philosophy. I saw her sobbing the other day, worried she won’t get a job.

I said, β€œAre you having an existential cry, sis?”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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A robber breaks into a bank

When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing

β€œI c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”

Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.

Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.

Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, β€œHOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”

To which the thief replies, β€œYou let your guard down”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNewMadMan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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I was driving on the highway when I passed an AA van driver who was sobbing uncontrollably.

I thought, β€œThis guy’s heading for a breakdown.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Saw a zookeeper crying today.

He was standing next to the elephant enclosure sobbing his heart out. 'What's wrong?' I asked. 'Trunky has just died," wept the zookeeper 'Aaw, and you really loved him?' I asked. 'No, but I have to bury him,' replied the zookeeper.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/papa_sabre
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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A teacher is grading final exams. As soon as he grades the last paper, he starts sobbing. A student asks him what's wrong and the teacher says,

"I have failed all of you as a teacher."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToroZuzuX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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I was driving this morning when I saw this tow truck driver sobbing uncontrollably and looking miserable.

I thought to myself, β€œThis guy is heading for a breakdown.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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6 year old daughter's dad joke

We're watching "The Floor is Lava." One of the contestants is swinging across some bars.

She says, "she must have played on the monkey bars at school when she was a kid."

I say, "a lot of people did. I did."

She says "I played on them when I was a kid too."

That would be earlier today then.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seanfish
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

πŸ‘︎ 26k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Blonde

A couple were watching the news.

"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident," said the newscaster.

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing... "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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What's the opposite of cinnamon toast crunch?

Antonym toast crunch

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dark_Devin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
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My son was browsing Reddit in the living room

when he began to sob into his keyboard. I went over to ask him what was wrong and he told me that despite lurking for years he still couldn't build up enough confidence to ask DIY how to build a fence.

Disappointed I could only say, "Well son, you can't start to build a fence if you can't even create a post."

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minobus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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A lady's husband died and at the wake, I hugged her and said, "they're there."

"Hear here," she sobbed, asking, "who's there?"
"No," I said soothingly. "Who's on first. They're there."
"Oh." She said, seeing that I pointed to the flowers I had found in the cemetery on the way to the showing. "Thanks for coming by."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked β€œwhat’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, β€œyou can talk?”

β€œYes” the well said, β€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

β€œAlas” the woman said, β€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

β€œDo not be afraid” the well said, β€œI will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManGood2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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What kind of medicine used to be a power tool?

Benadryl

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeoldecotton_swab
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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An old man and his lawn

An older gentleman had an herb garden, one of the herbs that he had planted was thyme. The thyme took really well to the climate and environment of his lawn, and began to extend past his garden, into his lawn. Now, this was unacceptable as he prided himself on having a pristine lawn. He decides he needs to reign in the problem and heads to the nearby nursery to find a solution.

He gets there, but wants to make sure he finds the right product. After about 30 minutes, one of the customer service associates notices he's spent a lot of time looking around the herbicides and whatnot. Thinking the man has a weed problem, he offers the following assistance.

"Hey can I help you find a weed-killer? You've been on this asile awhile, and I can definitely speed up the process."

"No thanks," the man responds, "I've got some thyme to kill."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dedinside13
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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The day after our son died my wife came to me and said she felt like she wasn’t grieving properly and she felt bad.

The next day I woke up to her sobbing and I told her β€œgood mourning!”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrimReaper666-777
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Crying over spilt almond milk

Dad: Don’t cry over spilt almond milk son Son: Why? (Sobbing) Dad: Because that’s just nuts!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hellopowrichard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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A classic on fathers day

Im sitting in my bedroom just surfing while my wife give my girls a shower in the master bathroom.

So shower's over and Avery was whining that she was cold. After a long day of swimming, that whining turned into a temper tantrum. IM COLD!! IM REALLY COLD!!! over and over.

Calmly, I say, "Ave", she sobs "what", I say "IM REALLY DADDY, ITS NICE TO MEET YOU"

BOOM!! full blown screams and cries. Mission accomplished.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZER0EFFSGIVEN
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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I laughed while my daughter cried today

Context: Today was helping at practice for a play that my 4th grade daughters class is going to put on. My daughter (Sarah) was playing a tree, and another girl (Mikayla) was playing a Deer. Right now they're all into this weird "dating" phase. So Sarah ran over to me sobbing...

Sarah: Dad, Mikayla kissed my boyfriend. She is already dating Scott and Michael kissed her just now!

Me: Hoe dear, that sounds like a really sticky situation you're in.

I then proceeded to start laughing while failing to control it while my daughter started bawling. The other adults looked at me like I was a demon, and I had to leave the room for a minute to control myself.

Edit: Also I later realized that my daughter doesn't understand what a hoe is and thought I was just laughing at her. Don't worry, I have apologized and bought her ice cream.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wwjjgg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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My witty father got me with this long-con

One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."

groan.

TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.

edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acollins144
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
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I actually made my wife laugh with this one

Wife: You were crying in your sleep last night.

Me: Really? That's crazy. (NOTE: It's actually crazy, this is not a common occurrence for me)

Wife: Yeah, like sobbing or crying or something.

Me: You might say I had a... nocturnal emotion.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THEJAZZMUSIC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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Driving on the highway when my dad starts "crying"...

Dad: "Look, ImRedditingOnMyPhonr, they're gonna move me!" (Pretending to sob and pointing at a movers truck) I stared at it until I I read the name on the side of the truck, "Town & Country Movers", I thought about it for three more seconds before realizing my dad's car is a Chrysler Town & Country, facepalms and grunts were well had

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2014
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Watching Titanic When My Dad Hit Us With This One

Jack is dead, floating in the water, holding on to Rose's hand

Rose: sobbing I'll never let go Jack. I'll never let go.

Lets go of dead Jack's hand

Dad: Well he had a death grip on her, didn't she??

Since we support even all of my father's jokes, we actually laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/23baseball3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2015
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I found out where I got my sense of humour from today

Every year my girlfriend's family and my family try to celebrate Christmas on different days, so my Christmas-crazy-starts-decorating-for-Christmas-before-I've-taken-my-Halloween-costume-off girlfriend has been bugging me about what day my family is celebrating for a few weeks. The other day we had a conversation that went like this:

SO: "So when's Christmas?"

Me: "[SO], Christmas is the same day every year, December 25th"

Apparently I'm not funny, but today I was on the phone with my awesome mom and my girlfriend was bugging me to ask her what day we were celebrating, so I ask.

Me: "[SO] wants to know what day Christmas is"

Mom: "Well, you should tell [SO] that Christmas is the same day as every other year, December 25th!"

I repeated it to her and she sobbed silently while my mother and I laughed our asses off for the next ten minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
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I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Energylegs23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
It was a dark and foggy night

A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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