A man in an interrogation room says, β€œI’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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A wolf, a fox and a weasel all go to a diner. The waitress comes over and asks them what they want to drink. β€œCoffee” growls the wolf. β€œWater” says the fox...

And β€œPop!” goes the weasel.

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNCrispy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
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β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 781
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I asked my boss, β€œCan I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, β€œIt’s May!”

I countered, β€œSorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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Dad to his son; β€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”

Son; β€œGo on, then.”

Dad growls; β€œNOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

Son; β€œThat’s Superman.”

Dad; β€œThanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exmoor456
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."

Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"

πŸ‘︎ 379
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Why is the skin of tree trunks called bark?

Because it's rough.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wotmate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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My son told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke. "So have I made myself clear?" he growled.

I shouted, "No, I can still see you!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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My wife growled accusingly, β€œI’ve never seen you sweep or use the vacuum in my life!”

I retorted, β€œFloors are beneath me!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when...

A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when he is stopped by the Maitre'D, who tells him that he can't be admitted without a necktie. The man, late for his appointment, runs back out to his car and searches high and low. Finally, out of desperation, he grabs a set of jumper cables, ties them into a rough knot around his neck and runs back into the restaurant. The Maitre'D stares at him for a few seconds and finally says, "Alright, I'll let you in..." and then leans in and says in a low growl, "but you'd better not try to start anything."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sherzeg
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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So, I went in to boots and asked for some benylin.

"For cough" She growled. "Alright love, I only asked." I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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A dad and his son are out camping when they hear a loud roar outside their tent.

Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They stop and watch but it just keeps standing there. They inch closer, but no reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They summon up all their courage and approach to within inches. No reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

"I think this bear might be broken," observes the son.

The dad nods. "I think that bear's repeating."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whomikehidden
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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How does a Lion like his meat?

RAW-r!

If you don't growl when you do this, don't say the joke. Respect the game.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFifthStep
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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My dad on gargoyles

I was telling my dad about how my dog tried to intimidate a gargoyle at a church last week.

Me: The first day he barked, jumped, and growled at it. The next day he gave it a short bark and growl as if to say "I'm still after you," but surprisingly, the gargoyle still hadn't moved.

Dad: Do you know why it didn't react?

Me: uh...

Dad: Because it was stone-faced!!!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squidzilla
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
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A man in an interrogation room says, β€œI’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife,"How do you spell Hawai'i?"

She replied, "You need two i’s."

Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it?"

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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