What do you call it when you hear a disembodied stomach grumble?

Gastral Projection

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/holocaustarriver
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How do Arabs grumble when the weather is bad?

Bah! Rain!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/tyckt206
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Grandad always hated the milkman

My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (he’d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.

It wasn’t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlephInfite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife stared icily at me and grumbled, β€œWhy does everything have to be a game with you?!”

I shouted, β€œAn excellent question, my dear! But next time, please use the buzzer!”

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Son: What rhymes with purple?

Dad: No it doesn’t

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ‘€︎ u/EfficientRoll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I showed my dad a joke on here,

He looked at me and said "ive already Reddit son"

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ‘€︎ u/IGF-Savagee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I noticed my car making funny grumbling noises.

I think it might have gas.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ‘€︎ u/Electric_Strudel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dissatisfied insect?

A grumble bee.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/marshsmellow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

β€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?”

β€œYeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

β€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

β€œThat’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

β€œI just want to know.Β  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

β€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

β€œOh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, β€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. β€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Β Β  Think about why you’re being so selfish.Β  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.Β  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.Β  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.Β  β€œAre you asleep son?” he asked.

β€œNo daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

β€œI’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.Β  β€œIt’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

β€œOh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.Β  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

β€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

β€œBecause I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

β€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.Β  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverley1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
🚨︎ report
My earbuds fell in a dogs turd.

So I'm just going to begin this story with myself coming home from school after a long day. My sister after doing everything around the house asked me if I could walk the dog. "Yeah sure! No problem." No problem. So I plug in my headphones and leave to take her for a walk. So I left the house and within 5 minutes my dog had sat down and refused to move until at least 10 people had passed for no real reason. She then proceeded to rear up on her hind legs and drop possibly the biggest crap pattie I had ever seen come out of this dog. Luckily for a change I have bags so no biggie, I pull one out, bend over and suddenly my music gets slightly quieter. Now, after a long day of studying and tests and whatnot I didn't really notice what had happened until I went to stand up and felt the slightest resistance in the cord, I look down only to see my earbud covered in dog crap. I had no choice but to un plug my headphones and abandon them like a wounded soldier in battle. Of corse I come home to see my dad and my sister sitting on the couch talking about their day only to see me walk in looking a bit angry. "Hey what's up with you?" My Sister asks, "Like why do you look so grumpy?" In my mood after this irritating mishap I can only grumble "I dropped my headphones in her turd" I reply, only for my dad to retort with "Hey, how about you stop listening to shitty music for a change!"

I hope you enjoyed the story of my struggle, he said this and all I could think of was posting this.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ‘€︎ u/the-dools
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Father's Day Dinner

Mom made Dad stuffed mushrooms as an appetizer for dinner because it is one of his favorite foods. So we're sitting around, eating our mushrooms when...

Mom: Kevin [brother], you don't want any mushrooms.

Kevin: grumble

Dad: He's just not a fungi.

groans all around

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ‘€︎ u/KattOBrien
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Dropped my change on the ground

I was checking out and dropped my change on the ground, and I grumble

Stranger dad picks up two coins and tells me "looks like you lost your cents!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/BradenGV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife and I just got tacos

And they weren't sitting right. She was sitting next to me and my stomach was grumbling.

Her: are you feeling ok. Me: not really, I'm brewing something fierce. Her: is it a bear? Me: a what... Her: you know? Cause it's "bruin"? Me:......

She's going to be a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/bluthco
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Made my dad-joke-hating six year old laugh

We were at the table having breakfast this morning when my 6yo son climbed down and started leaving the kitchen.

6yo: "I'm going to the bathroom."

Me: "Oh no, please hold it until you make it to the toilet."

6yo laughs


6yo grumbles from the bathroom

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Mr Barbeque and Miss Chocolate

My wife and I were driving through town when we passed a store named Mr Barbeque. I told her that it's a good store, but Mrs Barbeque claims all the credit.

After she grumbled for a while, we passed another store just a few blocks away, called Miss Chocolate. I explained that this was Mrs Barbeque's maiden name, she opened it up after she left Mr Barbeque. It was a very bitter divorce, she lost all the sugar in the settlement.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/SimonHova
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Driving across the country with my fiance and her 6 yr old

As we see another animal crossing sign, he says "I NEVER see any animals!"

"Sure you do!" I said pointing at some road construction, "Look! A Bobcat!"

Que grumbles from the backseat.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/GimpyJesus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
🚨︎ report
And I thought I told terrible puns...

I was out shopping with my dad looking to buy a wedding gift. While I'm waiting in line to make my purchase, a woman set down her purchase (about twenty binders) next to my gift on the conveyer belt. Naturally my dad questioned her bizarre purchase, to which she responded that she desperately need to organize her documents. Without missing a beat, he grinned and exclaimed, "Well I guess you were in quite a bind!"

The lady actually had quite a laugh, whereas I groaned and grumbled.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hambungler
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Waiting on ice creams from the cafe...

We went out as a family to a country park at the weekend and decided to get some ice creams. We sent my Dad, my Uncle and my Brother to the window on the side of the cafe to get them, but they were understaffed and both members of staff were focussing their efforts on making sandwiches on Baguettes.

My Uncle and Brother started grumbling about the wait;

"Don't rush him" says Dad, "he's on a roll..."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/neenoonee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my husband and mother-in-law while cleaning up toys

We were cleaning up and making sure all the toys were accounted for when I noticed the "L" block was missing from the pile.

Me: Anyone see the L block anywhere?

Husband and mother-in-law, after looking around a bit: No.

Me: I guess it got the "L" out of here.

Mother-in-law rolled her eyes and smirked. Husband left the room grumbling about me spending too much time in /r dadjokes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/nepher_blue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
🚨︎ report
So my dad joked my mum...

My dad is a night owl and my mum is an early bird, meaning he has a good few hours to plot and scheme his dadjokes...

Well the other evening, he decided to scare the living daylights out of my mum by drawing a face on a melon, stuffing it in a hoodie with rubber-gloves, shoes and jeans and posed it in our morning room.

Now my mum gets up real early, and walks around the house in a grumpy daze, grumbling, scratching and squinting and whatnot with a grim face looking for something to nag about, so you can imagine the sheer pride he (probably) felt wrapped up in bed with that dumb dadjoke grin from his "Hilarious prank", to hear a loud "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" coming from across the hall.

Needless to say i'm pretty sure she found something to nag about that morning.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacquamarine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.