I got a donut for lunch, but I had to complain about it...
The manager asked, "did you have a problem with any particular part of the donut?"
I said yes. The hole thing.
(one of my only original jokes I've ever come up with.)
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
My wife complains that I'm getting fat. So this winter I decided to diet.
It's called inter"mitten" fasting to keep my hands of food
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
I called Robinhood to complain about not being able to buy more GME
Operator said βplease holdβ
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
As a transgender father, my son always complains that he canβt see me
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
I told my daughter when she was whining to me about her new boyfriend... βDonβt complain about the road youβre on right nowβ
Thatβs your own asphalt
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
I don't understand why people complain about COVID 19...
π︎ 51
π
︎ Oct 06 2020
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
π︎ 96
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
π︎ 775
π
︎ Mar 19 2020
You know, I don't understand why so many people complain about acne. I mean, don't people usually have twoknee?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
My wife often complains that I'm a poor listener
But the truth is, I've a terrible sense of direction.
I always get lost in my thoughts.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
Iβm not sure why people continue to argue and complain about Star Wars
It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
I like the smell of my wife whenever she complains about justifiable points
I really like her fairer moans
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
What do you say when your employee complains about his constipation?
A poor workman blames his stools.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say.... Iβm behind The Times.
π︎ 52
π
︎ Mar 05 2020
I hate when random people I don't know complain,
"How could you let your wife leave without saying goodbye?" I see her off, Anon.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 11 2020
My wife complains I donβt buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didnβt know she sold flowers.
π︎ 625
π
︎ Apr 16 2019
Son complains about his game freezing.
Father says, βthaw it out, kiddoβ.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 23 2020
I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there. He said he couldn't complain.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 11 2017
Had someone complain to me something that happened yesterday,
I told them to calm down, it was like a decade ago!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 01 2020
What do grapes do when they want to complain?
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 04 2019
My son thinks it's getting to me when he complains about me serving his scrambled eggs with a spoon.
But, I just don't give a fork.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 09 2019
So Donald Trump (or "the Don" as some call him) has realized that illegal immigrants must be deported at night so that no one will see them leaving and complain...
The problem, however, is that there isn't enough light for the immigrants to find their way back to Mexico. Because of this, the Don institutes his "Early Light" plan in order to give the immigrants a way to see. One immigrant, Jose, is partially blind, so they are wondering if the "Early Light" program will still allow him to see. The ask him: Jose can you see by the Don's "Early Light."
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 08 2018
A boy complains to his father: 'You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!'
Father: 'Really, what?'
Boy: 'That the potato should go in the front.'
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 23 2019
My wife always complains about the gifts I buy for her. This time I got her a Touretteβs alarm clock.
She is in for a rude awakening.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 04 2019
A man went to the doctor to complain about his hip pain.
"You need to exercise more. Have you tried dancing? Maybe you should join a club", the doctor says.
The man, unsure if more movement would really solve the problem, replies: "I don't know Doc, I think I want a second opinion on that."
"In that case, I'd suggest you to see a dentist", comes the answer.
"But Doc, why would I go to the dentist with my hip problem?"
To this, the doctor says: "It hurts because you don't floss."
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 04 2019
Someone has been leaving this stuff in my carport and then the neighbours complain about the mess. Theyβre really giving me the gears.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 30 2019
I donβt get why my wife complains about me not helping with dinner
Weβre practically a fully functioning restaurant.
Sheβs the chef, she makes the food.
Iβm the waiter, I sit around waiting for dinner.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 28 2019
What do you call someone who complains about liquor?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 26 2018
I bought a desk lamp for a dirt cheap price but it broke the day after. Went to the store to complain but I couldnβt get it fixed or refunded.
The storeβs manager told me that I bought a one night stand.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 03 2019
I was going to complain about my in-laws cheese board
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 29 2018
I'm usually not one to complain about my wife, but so far I have done dishes every day this year, while she hasn't done any.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 02 2019
Andy's aunt on The Andy Griffith Show got poison ivy on her arm and all she did was complain...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 10 2019
The restaurant had so many problems I didn't know what to complain about first.
So I asked to see the whine list.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 19 2018
I just called the zoo to complain about the caged baguette. No one answered.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 28 2018
You'd think it would bother me that my son complains I always serve his scrambled eggs with a spoon.
But, I just don't give a fork.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Jan 11 2017
What do you call a one-horned animal that always complains?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 22 2017
What do you call Pi when she complains about her infinite problems
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 08 2017
It's impossible to complain to my father.
Me: Do you know what sucks?
Dad: Vacuums.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 30 2014
Whenever my kids complain about being too tired....
Oh No!!! You're turning into a bicycle.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 12 2015
Every time my sister complains her head hurts
Sister: "my head hurts"
Dad: "does your face hurt?"
Sister: "no"
Dad: "ITS KILLING ME"
harhar
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 26 2013
My wife complains that I never buy her flowers.
I didn't know she sold any!
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jan 06 2017
My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers.
I didn't know she sells them.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jul 07 2019
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
