Complaining Puns

I told her to just let it go

So I drank it and told her to stop hiding cans😤

So I started taking melatonin. It helps.

I said it's a shame because they're so pretty. I guess they weren't made for use, but just for looks.

I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.

Me (to son): digging holes in the ground.

mum: snigger

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

Couldn’t post it earlier. Doing dishes, making everyone’s bed, taking trash and all the other household chores ate up all my evening.

Nova-cain

I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

I told him not to worry- he's only scratched the surface

She tells me the thing is driving her up the wall.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

I told her exponents are easier when you look to a higher power.

I said to him, "So no one told you life was gonna be this way?"

[Insert claps here]

He said, 'These just socks'.

Me: it’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.

My dad: it’s a sockrifice.

(This was an actual joke made by my actual dad today.)

And then the Drill stepped in and said "Don't mind him. He's just a tool".

I think he’s just milking it.

Tough titties.

That guy sucks Dick!

I said, “OK, Zoomer.“

but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!

Or at least that's what I read in her diary

She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

I herd you.

I said next time we’ll buy white, it’s much lighter!

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.

Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say “Have you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor doesn’t understand what’s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say “Have you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor is even more befuddled.

Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say ‘Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the money”.

The doctor tells the man he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s something he’s never encountered before.

The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.

A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.

The Doctor says yes – he’d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places

I told her "okay, if you incyst"

I told her you need to listen to The Rolling Stones because you can’t always get what you want.

He has a crummy job

Moan-day

They were diagnosed with Snowliosis.

I told her that she’ll grow out of it

To which my dad replied, "You mean all maternity?"

Reason I gave was that “I can’t SEE myself coming in to work today”

I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”

I told her to go into the corner, it's 90 degrees!

I’m not going to stand for it.

That way she could feel like a submarine

Morning wood.

To me it was just a father figure.

"...but I tells ya this; it drives me nuts!"

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

to be honest, I never even knew she sold flowers