It's as bad as the last two jokes you heard Combined.
(My son just told me this one 💪)
E: I misspelled "Fibonacci" in title🤦
I have just run over a NUN
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.
Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"
Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."
Me: "Then don't open the door!"
Sis: *groans
I read her r/dadjokes
These two guys from Canada founded a new college. They called it The Canada Institution. The first guy says to the second guy, "We need to think of a shorter name, can you think of one?" The second guy says, "I don't know, Can I?"
A stick.
A little too proud of this one...
So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...
With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.
I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...
“Is your dog lookin at it?
Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”
I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.
EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
A friend mentioned she bought something on eBay while living in Canada, so I said "eeb, eh?"
So I had a table say they had a hair in their food. I went and apologized and said I would remake it immediately. I brought it out to the table and I told them the secret ingredient I used this time was NAIR. The dad laughed, the mom groaned, and the kid asked what NAIR was, the mom said it was "Hair Remover". The look on the kid's face when she recognized the joke was amazing.... Best shift of my life.
In a hotel with my family, got in an elevator with my kids ... other people had pressed floors 3, 5, and 7. I said those must be some prime floors. There was one stranger who laughed and one of my kids who face palmed.
We had Indian food for dinner:
Wife: Do you want the last naan?
Me: But then there would be naan left for you.
Wife: Groan... (she actually said the word groan) Are you ever going to get sick of that joke?
Me: I thought it would have groan on you by now.
Someone through threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
I came in from having a cigarette and while closing the cumbersome sliding glass door I remarked, "Man that door is heavy!"
"I know," she says, "sometimes it pushes me back."
"That's terrible! Has it committed any other crimes against you?" I asked.
"No, but we should still sue it for everything it has though!" she said.
I grinned at her and offered, "It would probably just say it was framed."
She let out a quiet groan and flippantly said, "You're funny"
Edit: words
A couple of nights ago my girlfriend and I spotted a white jackrabbit in the field near our house. We noticed one again tonight on our drive home:
Girlfriend: Hey look, it's the Easter bunny.
Me: Huh, pretty sure that's the same jackrabbit from the other night.
Girlfriend: Can't be a jackrabbit, its ears are way too small.
Me: We're clearly just splitting hares here, babe.
It took a second, but she responded with the desired groan and the "you're an idiot" face push-away. Victory.
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me.
Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night.
Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips.
When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack.
When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205”
And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??”
I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
First day of new semester, math class.
Teacher asks "I assume your previous teacher has talked/mentioned graphing where x is to the 3rd degree." (x^3)
Some nod others disagree...
Teacher: "well did she or not?"
Me: "Well she did mention it....to a degree"
I personally prefer horrible puns that make the listener regret being born with ears. But thats just me.
FINAL FORM! DAD'S UNITE! OUR TIME HAS COME!
She came into my office with a box of highlighters for me and as a dad, I felt compelled to say "thanks, this will be the highlight of my day"
She sighed, groaned, and left, questioning her life choice to work here. :(
I was doing a maternity shoot for a nice family expecting their second. The dad is a pharmacist. I told him that I was never very good at chemistry, but one time I read a book about helium and I could NOT put it down.
So I tend to tell bad dad jokes as a nerd and father they fit well and my wife has grown tired but today she got me.
My eldest is away on a trip and the dishwasher is normally his chore, backstory over..
My wife is sorting the dishwasher and on completion states that we will have to unload the dishwasher in the morning or this evening and then we can put a cleaner in it..... she may protest but I’m sure we can make her fit... she then continued to laugh at her own dad joke for some time..
Achievement unlocked..
A doctor walks into a woodworking shop. He finds the woodworker, asks him "Do you make all these yourself?" The woodworker says yes, he does. The doctor continues, "Because I'm looking for some backless chairs for my office and I don't see any on the floor. I'm not ready to buy yet, so I'm going to need a stool sample."
GET IT?
"We should make Kraft dinner." "Who is Kraft and why can't he make his own dinner?"
Nevermind, I don't want to tell 30 stories.
How do you know that a dadjoke traveled back in time?
"Hey dad, I tried that Indian bread you bought."
"Oh yeah? How was it?"
"Good! I tried putting it in the toaster but the top stuck out and didn't get toasted. Really, though, it's a naan issue."
At the dinner table.
Mother in law: "...he has recently had two surgeries to fuse his lower vertebrae, his recovery has been quite slow"
Me: "Well I would expect nothing less after having back to back operations."
after about 4 seconds people started leaving the table.
My Fiance and I are getting into the elevator at a hotel we were staying at. We get in and the elevator was large and had blankets on the wall. Her: Weird, I think this is a freight elevator. Me: Freight so...
Right towards the end of dinner, I was feeling pretty full. So I said, “call me a turkey, cause I’m stuffed”
Everyone groaned, including my dad, except Dad kinda chuckled and groaned at the same time. I thought it was hilarious.
She was complaining that a Russian magazine was submitting reviews on films that aren't even out yet. To which I responded "well they must be Russian things over there"
Two laughed others groaned and told me to get out.
