The sleeper agent dad

My family and I were out for brunch at a somewhat fancy hotel restaurant. It was a buffet and they had set up the desserts in the wine cellar/room.

My dad, nearing the end of his meal, asks "Where's the dessert?"

I point and say, "In the wine cellar" but in between the cellar and me is my mom and it looks like I'm pointing to her.

Dad responds with, "Sell her? I still need her though."

I sat there a little awestruck since he's never really been one to utter puns. I crack them all the time but I guess every dad has dad jokes in them; they're just waiting for the right time.

πŸ‘︎ 729
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tunzor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
🚨︎ report
I live in an area where cows are fairly common

Dad: Oh my God. Look at that! (starts pointing frantically)

Me: What? What! What is it! What am I looking at?

Dad: The cows! Don't you see them?

Me: Yea, i see them a lot, nothing special...

Dad: Nothing special?!?!? Why, they are UTTERLY fantastic!!

And then proceeds to make other utter puns until he cries of joy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudeofdar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the 80s singer who was utterly unyielding in attitude or opinion in spite of all appeals?

He was AdamAnt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anarchyinyourhead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
We were utterly defeated by 2020

Because next year is 2020 won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
I yelled β€œCOW” at a woman on a bike.

She flipped me off then hit the cow.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that can't moo?

A milk dud

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brady01234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump a barbed wire fence?

Utter disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Super4rank
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
🚨︎ report
I once slept with a girl I met during a festival, but we didn’t utter a word to each other before, during or after.

And I must say, it made it rather in-tents.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/archiewalton09
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The Utter Balm
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diamondchewtoy
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Cows wear the bells

Because their horns don't work. Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JNaik14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Keep cows well hydrated

Otherwise, they turn into real jerkies.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wyllyam1111
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.

I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.

Edit: corrected an udder failure.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mahlerguy2000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you ever wonder if a cow thinks her calf who won't nurse.....

Is an utter disappointment?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
Why don't cows wear shoes ?

They lactose. ( lack toes ? ) . I'll see my self out.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boshman420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Player: β€œThis is Utter Balderdash” DM: β€œWell, Actually...”
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thickhourglass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roke619
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I just lost my job at the calendar factory... I am utterly confused.

All I did was take a day off...

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevonWhiteTurnUp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My five year old daughter, wearing a Sleeping Beauty dress, casually playing with Legos: "ROAR ROAR ROARRRR!"

Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"

Her: "Its me."

Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"

Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"

My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/someredditorguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a male milk maid?

An utter gentleman.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keyrover
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate my cow...

Hasn’t even been making milk! It’s an utter failure.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magmaraptor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Whats a cows favourite drink ?

ASmoooooothie.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the utter

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/11CaptainRex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING: The Supreme Court ruled in favor of Dad Jokes.

They deemed it cool and amusable pun-ishment

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
These cows are really milking the shade. Utterly ridiculous.
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MackAttack815
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
🚨︎ report
I Guess the Steaks are High When You Drive Down This Road
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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I was food shopping with my wife when I came across something that was utterly shocking…

"Look at this!" I said. "It contains 95% fat!"

She replied, "You're just pointing at me in a mirror."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2017
🚨︎ report
I’m like a cow in tall grass,

I’m utterly tickled to be here.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kentfanatic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Upon receiving his meal at a restaurant,

The practitioner uttered through a smile, β€œjust what the doctor ordered”.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Replicatar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of bee makes milk?

A Boobie!! Ahahah

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyRacey
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
We gave my Dad a birthday card that said he could party till the cows come home.

He said he utter-ly loved it!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fan2vt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad pulled the best (and only) dad joke I've ever heard him utter while we were assembling ginger bread houses.

Some family friends of ours needed our help mass producing some ginger bread houses for an event they do every year. They make an insane amount of pieces, so they need help cutting out the doors, windows, and over all assembly. The family friend, my dad, and myself were all cutting out windows and doors when this happened:

Me: Aw man, one of these pieces just broke.

Family Friend: It's alright, we have extra. But every time I see one fall apart I see 30 minutes of my life go away.

Dad: Well I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Me: loses it

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveTheViking
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
🚨︎ report
I always hated my step-dad growing up. Now that I'm a dad myself, I can totally one-up him with DAD JOKES!
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyronX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Indian bread is very unique.

There's naan like it.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Cows can't keep secrets.

You tell one, pretty soon they all herd.

It's a bunch of bull, really.

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
This just happened at a softball game and didn’t get the props it deserved.

My son was playing with a fly. It’s wings were messed up so it couldn’t fly away. He was holding it and said, β€œDaddy, this fly’s wings are broke.” I said, β€œthen it’s not a fly, it’s a walk.”

I got utter silence from the people around me, though my daughter giggled a little.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UmraTiwil
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The thing about adverbs is...

They're really, truly, utterly, amazingly, unbelievably, astoundingly, hard to avoid in speech or text.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got upset when she found two cows grazing in our front yard

I told her: "But honey, you told me to MOO the lawn!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I was once in a Rasta band. I played the triangle.

I just stood at the back and ting

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gracemk1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Spanish bread riots?

It's complete and utter panarchy.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/3x3x7x13x23x37
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?

Utter destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 391
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sasha678910
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Cows are utterly nourishing.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennedystyle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence

Utter destruction

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do milking stools only have three legs?

Because the cow has the utter

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chichard1
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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