Blurt Puns

The captain responded, "No shit, I used to be a seaman."

I was home alone a few hours ago and wanted to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I apply peanut butter and then go downstairs for jelly since there's none upstairs. I grab a new jar and try to open it. However I am incredibly weak so I fail to get it open. After five to ten minutes of trying to open it, I call my mother who is out running errands.

"Mom, are you coming home soon?" "No, why?" "... I can't get this jelly jar open..." "Look in the top shelf with the silverware. There's a red plastic thing. That's a jar opener, use that." "Alright, one sec..." Jar opens "YES!!" Jumps for joy and rushes back to phone "THANK YOU SO MUCH MOM!" "No problem." "I was in a real jam." mom hangs up, sighing

Maybe home-schooling wasn’t the best idea.

My son is 6 and he reads everything he sees out loud.

I take a long sip from my giant 7-11 bottle, and he reads the label, "spring water", three times. He then asked, "Why spring water?"

Without a thought, I replied "Because summer water is too hot."

"Don't do that, you'll hurt his peelings!"

We were talking about all of the songs with explicit lyrics on the new Ariana Grande album this morning and my 7-year-old son blurts out: “Her name should be Sweariana Grande!” I like the way this kid’s brain is growing!

..so I blurted out, “That’s what jellyfish call church!” rimshot

No response.

So he asks again, “What do you do?!”

No response.

Slightly agitated the cow again asks “WHAT DO YOU DO?!”

The farmer blurts “I HERD YOU!”

"Like a bra, not a braai"

• Based on true events. I had to stop myself from blurting that out.

• Thanks to u/rumbustiousben for reminding me that not everyone knows what a braai is - it's a barbecue in Afrikaans and commonly used as part of English by South Africans

The zoo tour guide told us that one of the snakes was sick. I blurted out "he must have a reptile dysfunction".

Her face went red and her cheeks swelled up making her look just like a tomato.

After the nurse and my wife finished talking about her reaction, I just couldn’t help but blurt our “well, you are what you eat”

My wife eye rolled, the nurse just looked at me with a deadpan face and said “well done” and walked off.

I blurted out " i guess that comma became a full stop" My friends all laughed Not the teachers though.

When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?"

The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath:

"Irony," he replied.

I'm an elementary school teacher. When kids tell me they're tired, hungry etc, I often give the typical "hi hungry, I'm Adam response"

On Friday a first grader came to me at recess and said "I'm bored!" I said "ok". She looked confused, then flustered, then blurted out "...nice to meet you Adam!" and ran away to play on the swings.

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

Three roommates, a human, a monkey and a dog are watching Netflix when the human and monkey start laughing. The dog rolls his eyes and says “That joke is getting old.” The monkey then says “Hey, do you want to press play next time?” The human almost chokes on his soda as he starts laughing hysterically. The dog gets up and goes to his room. As he walks off, he turns and with a single tear forming, and his voice quivering he blurts out “You both know I only have paws!”

She exclaimed WTF ,How can they even?

MY son blurts out"cause they are skyentists".

My girlfriend and I were driving home with out newborn in the back coming from her parents, and we passed a cemetery with the name "Axe Factory Cemetery". Immediately I had to blurt out "wow I guess they had a lot of axe-idents!" To which I was punched in the shoulder repeatedly

In science today we were discussing chemical reactions, more specifically ones resulting in light.

Science teacher: "Have any of you seem that show '1000 ways to die'?

Most answer yes.

Teacher: "Well one episode some guy decided to inject himself with the contents of a glow stick to make his veins glow. He died."

Without thinking about it, I stand up and loudly blurt out: "He wasn't too bright, was he?"

Groans galore. I was so proud.

After a long and heated argument, the daughter decides enough is enough and goes to leave the room. But when she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!" and leaves.

Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".

Her friend had come along with us to the buffet and was eating something that I can't quite remember now, but she ends up asking "where is the duck sauce?" To which my mom, without even skipping a beat, blurted out the following words with not a single emotion on her face, "probably next to the quackers". I almost choked on my food I was laughing so hard. Love you mom

My mother was complaining about how she has to do so much cooking, cleaning, and other house chores. My dad was trying to calm her down when she blurts out "What do I look like? Cinderella?" I saw the opening and pounced on it. "Well if the shoe fits" I said. The glorious feeling as she groaned at how bad it was while my dad laughed was so satisfying. My future children will stand no chance.

My 4yo son posed this question to his mother yesterday after watching Moana (again). Since he's 4, he slurs the 't' a bit.

I immediately without hesitation or remorse blurt out "In between the Toesies!"

My wife says she'll need therapy and a support group.

In college I took a business law class from a very conservative and intense professor who intimidated us by calling us out to answer questions randomly.

One day the teacher was discussing Torts and called on me by name and then said, “Give me one type of Tort?”,

“Pop-Tort”. I blurted out.

The room went completely silent as everyone was waiting for the professor to get very upset and then the unimaginable happened. The professor smiled then chuckled and then the class felt free to join in and laugh too.

I know this is my second post in just 2 days but I couldn't pass this one up.

My aunt asked the waitress how fresh the "fresh pasta" was. My dad without missing a beat blurts out, "they just shot it this morning."

My fiance had a grudge over someone and mid argument I thought it was funny to blurt out:

me: "Why can't you just be like Elsa?" fiance: "What?!" me: "Let it go.."

Currently setting up the sofa in the lounge

Our boys got bags with new toothbrushes and stuff from their dentist visit. Out oldest looked inside and said "hey, it cane with floss!"

Without looking up from the TV, I blurted out "that's floss-some".

A wealthy man who occasionally dabbled in black-market affairs was strolling through town one day. One of his associates came running up to him with some bad news. "Sir, the shipment from Singapore is late" his associate said. "DO NOT talk to me about these affairs in public you fool!" the wealthy man blurted back. "My apologies, sir. Would you prefer to discuss this in your home?" his associate replied. The wealthy man responded "Yes, please speak to me in the manor to which I'm accustomed."

Went with my wife to her ultrasound for our first born. They were measuring the baby to make sure it was growing right. They started at the head and worked their way down. When they got to the humerus the ultrasound said, “And this is the humerus.” I couldn’t help it, I blurted out “Ha! Funny.”

We were looking at a Facebook post on bees that had lost their home and taken to a bit of chocolate on the road. The pictures showed the bees then all rushing into a basket a beekeeper had brought containing a honeycomb.

When my wife commented on how they all were so quickly attracted to it, I could not stop myself as I blurted out "Well yeah, they were looking for another place to bee"

Don't think she had ever rolled her eyes so hard.

So this morning on my way to work I stopped at a Walgreens to grab some snacks and drinks. (For those unknowing, it's a pharmacy/grocery) I recently quit smoking and found the snacking helps on cravings.

Anyhow, the clerk rings me up and says my total: "$7.11." Without even thinking it I blurt out "It's not a seven-eleven. It's a Walgreens."

Suddenly terrified that I am apparently a dad, I grabbed my stuff and left, the haunting echoes of laughter behind me.

A strangers car broke down and they left it in our yard for a week and a half, leaving no name or contact information. After making several attempts on social media to find these people to come get their vehicle, I finally had to call the local police station to ask them to take care of it.

An officer came and he talked about putting a 72 hour notice sticker on it and then having it towed. At the mention of stickers my 6 year old blurted, "oh! Stickers! Can I have one?!" The policeman asked if my boy could come to the cruiser to get a few stickers. I said, "sure but, kid, are you sure? After 72 hours they will tow you away!" My boy groaned "moooommmm...." but at least the officer laughed.

Today in my class, somebody broke a pencil in 1/2 and threw it across my classroom. It hit me in the back. I told them we wouldn't leave the room until somebody fessed up and they sat in silence for a solid 10 minutes until I got out paper and made them write eye-witness statements (classic teacher move). As I was passing out the paper, one of the kids blurted out, "guys look what this has LEAD to." He couldn't hold it in any longer than he already had.

John: Mom,Dad, I'm gay

Dad (Richard) : ...

Mom: Richie don't...

Dad: ...

Dad: ... (blurted out really fast) Hi Gay, I'm Dad

Edit: Formatting

The whole family is together at the dinner table and my brother had just gotten a new cat. Instead of letting the cat get into trouble he opted to put it in the cat carrier while we ate. Sneaky little thing got out of it's carrier and my daughter blurts out, "Well the cat's out of the bag!" ^I'm ^so ^proud. ^^tear

So, we're coming back from shopping and I've got all the shopping bags in one arm, and carrying my son in my other.

I turned around to my fiancée and said, "Guess what I am?"

She looks at me puzzled, and I blurt:

"I'm Bag Dad!"

So a colleague is in the habit of saying "sh#t" in every sentence. It's never really annoying, but I couldn't help it. So, when he said "sh#t" for the umpteenth time in the day, I blurted out: "Dude, do you know you have a mouth like an a##hole? Because whenever you open it, 'sh#t' comes out!"

he didn't seem too amused.

So the other day during a 20 minute break at University, some of my classmates got onto the discussion of relationships. One lad (to my suprise) ended things with his long term girlfriend, somebody asked why. To which he would only say:

"It just wasn't working."

A sudden rush of sadism crawled up me, and I couldn't bottle it up. I immediately blurted out:

"You know they have drugs that can help you with that."

I was met with both shocked looks or empty stares. Still, my mates had a laugh about it when I told them afterwards.

Lazy student: blurts out Mrs. Castillo can you teach us how to say bad words in spainsh?

Mrs. Castillo: It's palabras malas (the literal translation of bad words)

I was eating lunch at work one day and someone brought in some Laffy Taffy. Before I could even think about what I was saying, I blurted out "I like most kinds of taffy, but Laffy Taffy always tastes kind of funny to me"

I got 3 blank stares and one person who groaned.

I was recently on a diet. A week ago I came home and entered the living room (where my dad and brother were watching T.V.) digging through a bag of chips.

Brother to me: "What kind of diet are you on?"

Before I can answer, my Dad blurts out: "A seafood diet. Because whenever she see food, she eats it!"

The cashier asked him, "Hold the onions?"

My dad wittily replied, "No thanks, they are probably really hot."

Keep in mind this is the same dad who blurted out this gem.