I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
This morning I saw an animal trailer transporting a few female sheep
I thought they were usually ram packed
This popped in my head a few days ago. Why did the baker freak out after his latest project?
Because what he made was stolen!
I owed my friend $20 so I gave a few dollars, some loose change, and a few small pieces of fried chicken
There were a few irish friends in a pub and one of them was telling a joke about cows but no one laughed.
He should have told a udder joke
I washed a few $20's the other day...
A very angry IRS agent called me and threatened me with serious fines and jail time for committing tax fraud.
I guess they take money laundering very seriously....
A few puns make me numb.
But math puns make me number.
My wife and I went to a local brewery last night. Said brewery has quite a few IPA style beers.
As we were leaving, wife says "Gee, they have a lot of feral cats."
I said "Surprised they don't have a lot of feral rabbits."
HUH?
Because of all the hops they use!
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.
When you die, your eyes have a few extra seconds just before they die.
It's because they dilate.
A Few Good Mon. #Shitpun.
A few days too late, but OK.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is highly overrated.
What does a Mandalorian say when they see they've gained a few pounds?
After a few uses, I decided to get rid of my vacuum.
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
One my dad told me a few days ago
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet? But most only have four.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I asked a few cannibals where they got their thighs
One of them said "Thailand"
I lost a few digits recently when something heavy dropped on my foot. Today I got prosthetics for them.
Comment below if you’d like to see photos of my faux toes.
My friend started a company a few years ago that binds quantities of material together...
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
Imade a similar one a few days ago bit i fpund more squirrels
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
This was from a few years back.
He needs a few more lessons
Working in Produce the last few years has made me realize I'm a professional musician...
I work with beet boxes and I wrap!
Took a pretty good picture of the meteor shower a few days ago.
A shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for the last few years...
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.
But now I can look back and laugh.
A few famous Doctors. Others include Dr. House and Dr. Meredith Grey.
Just read a few facts about frogs
I did a few laps around the gym today.
I cricked my neck a few weeks ago and it’s changed my life forever.
I haven’t looked back since
I have a few jokes about unemployed people..
but unfortunately none of them work.
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked “what happens if the ball lands in the house”
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
A hockey player collided with another player on the ice and knocked out a few of his teeth.
However it was acci-dental.
This just in: 2 men broke into the city bank using nothing more than a few mannequin limbs.
Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery
So, my trusty old PS2 died a few days ago.
Rust in peace little buddy.
For my diorama, I tried to make a few desert elevations...
I really made a mesa things though.
Every day I give a few cents to charity.
I like making small change.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
Just read a few facts about frogs.
I was having dinner a few minutes ago, and I came to the conclusion that tofu is really overrated.
A few puns make me numb
But math puns make me number
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