My neighbour has had 45 concussions in the past few weeks.
He lives just a stone throw away.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is highly overrated.
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
The reason there is so few organ donors is
Why are there so few pictures of the 16th President?
Because he was always a blinkin'
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Working in Produce the last few years has made me realize I'm a professional musician...
I work with beet boxes and I wrap!
I did a few laps around the gym today.
A hockey player collided with another player on the ice and knocked out a few of his teeth.
However it was acci-dental.
A shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for the last few years...
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked “what happens if the ball lands in the house”
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
Took a pretty good picture of the meteor shower a few days ago.
I'm going to be working on my next dadjoke over the next few days. In the meantime, I'll keep u posted.
This just in: 2 men broke into the city bank using nothing more than a few mannequin limbs.
Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery
The legalize cannabis party had a fair few stoners voting for it this past election, but not enough to gain power
That’s a lot of wasted votes
I spent the past few minutes throwing chickpeas at my cat's feet...
I used the beans to bean the beans.
Ordered a vacuum a few days back. Good quality, though the product was a little sucky.
https://preview.redd.it/05c4ayjw55m51.png?width=288&format=png&auto=webp&s=40eb4d62a8ab9c00eac11c75f34ac611a41c910d
I told my dad that I was planning to move to the Arctic circle for a few months.
He said, “I don’t like your latitude.”
The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild.
Except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.
What do you call the few pimps who are characters in The Walking Dead?
The Four Whore’s Men of the Apocalypse
I haven’t been able find my pet turtle for the past few months
Turns out he’s just been sheltering in place.
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.
We've made a massive mistake
You ever notice how few Deloreans you see on the road?
I guess their owners only drive them from time to time.
There are relatively few films with Dracula in them. On the other hand, films without Dracula...
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
Went on a trip a few years ago and the airline asked me if I had any baggage.
Apparently my response of 'only emotional' didn't FLY well!
I mean normally the customer service at the chip shop is fine. But when there's huge lines and only a few teens working there? Then it's...
Haven't been able to find the channel changer in a few days
It must be in a remote location
For the past few weekends my wife has done nothing but drag me around to look at expensive new countertops
I'm tired of being taken for granite
It's weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago...
It's like he blew up overnight.
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
For the last few months, I’ve been noticing that my teenage son periodically breaks into hives.
I have no idea why he hates bees so much.
I was paying for my groceries at the store when I realized I was short a few pennies.
I asked the cashier if they had a take-a-penny leave-a-penny. They said "No", to which I retorted "that doesn't make any cents".
If you are feeling lonely during the lockdown, try buying a few shares from the financial market.
Then you’ll have a little bit of company.
My wife asked me to make my flourless chocolate torte this week, but with a few changes to the recipe.
I guess you could say I dabble in torte reform.
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.
It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.
Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?
A few weeks ago I was vacationing, but when I realized how serious the coronavirus was in this place
I was having dinner a few minutes ago, and I came to the conclusion that tofu is really overrated.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
Working in Produce the last few years has made me realize I'm a professional musician...
I work with beet boxes and I wrap!
I told my mom that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for the next few months.
She said, “I don’t like your latitude.”
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