Slightly Puns

Trans-parent

I would name it hooman, so people could ask are we hooman or are we denser?

A rad-ish

'Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!' She was watching our wedding video again."

Beer nuts are just over five dollars, deer nuts are only under a buck.

Not to worry, only Minor Miner Injuries

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.

Near Mint Condition!!!

It’s a different kettle of fish altogether.

Bud Lite

I might get a bit carried away.

Eileen

you get a Jar Jar in an Ajar Jar.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

A Rad-ish

It's called bye-lingual.

"Well doc, there would appear to be a woman stuck to my butt."

Eileen

no one got their lemonade and the cake was ruined

They were more popular when they first came out.

"Why, Sir," she said,"that's because it's all Dante."

$50 OBO.

It was the Asphalt."

The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)

This one was about two years ago, but it was one of my favorite memories of work due to the reaction it got. There's a little bit of a setup/backstory for this.

I landed a job at the local Sam's Club before it opened, so I, along with the other associates, was to attend a credit training event at a very nice bank in town.

There were probably 30 or 40 in the class and most of us knew each other pretty well because we had spent the past few weeks 'blitzing,' or selling Sam's Club memberships at Walmarts in the area.

Anyway, the credit guy (his name fails me) was giving a powerpoint presentation on the ins and outs of the Sam's credit accounts. At one point, he said that for pre-approved members, a piece of paper called a 'chit' will print out. There were a few chuckles and he smiled and said "yeah, I know," and carried on.

Then I raised my hand.

He called on me, and I began: "So if a church with a business membership is pre-approved, who's responsible for applying? A church accountant or one of the clergy or something?"

"Yes, whoever owns the account itself."

"Would that be considered a 'holy chit?'"

The class erupted in laughter and one associate even left the room because she was laughing so hard. I saw one of the managers in class with us had his head buried in his arms laughing to the point of tears.

Probably my finest moment.

Cannelloni, because he's kinda lonely.

"Hey son how was class." "Pretty interesting, talked a lot about rape and the various kinds." "Sounds like a very penetrating subject." "God dammit dad."

You clothes it.

Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

So my "uncle" Frank and my dad have known each other since college where they were roommates together for all 4 years. One joke they keep going between them surely pulls a few laughs from everyone in the vicinity.

So whenever they get together, the drinks are not far behind. So here is how it plays out...

Dad: (you want some) liquor?

Frank: lick her? I barely know her!!

And they start cracking up.

They do the same thing for poker.

Edit: Formatting

My mom's been in the hospital having a difficult recovery from surgery, and she's spent the last few weeks attached to various contraptions to drain the wound site. Dad sent an update today: "Mom's been released. No wound vac, no drains of any kind. Just an island dressing. 😃"

"Yay", I said. "That's 999 islands less than most people get!"

So I work in a pet store, and today we received 3 frogs that sadly didn't make it to the store alive.

So I'm looking at the frogs trying to figure out if they were in fact DOA. and he walks up to me handing me the sheet..

"Aw the poor guys didn't make it?"

"No, it doesn't look like it. How sad."

"Yeah, I guess you could say....they croaked."

She was watching our wedding video again.

She is watching our wedding video again.

She was watching our wedding video again.

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

She was watching our wedding video again

rad-ish