The Commander Puns

"We're late, stop Stalin, Putin some effort."

A kernel.

Sorry guys, a bit corny that one.

Ve haf vays and means of making you tock.

You TAITOR!!!

He couldn’t get any up-boats

The captain's quarters

But nothing’s set in stone yet.

So there is a commander in Scottsdale PD named Commander Coffee, and today I asked him, in a serious tone, "Hey Coffee, can an I ask you a question?" And he responded with a serious "Sure Joe, what's up?" And then I asked "If the mafia ever put a hit on you, wouldn't that mean that they are trying to ice Coffee?" He giggled and was like "Wow, that was actually pretty good." Then continued on his way to the police side.

Tanks for that.

Johnny: “3, 5, 6, 1, 8, 9, 2, 4, 10 and 7”

In his accent, the officer commands the prisoners to stand up straight. He then tells them to move their body left and right in unison, whilst also saying 'tick' when they lean to the left, and 'tock' when they lean to the right, like a clock.

All the men bar one comply. The one only leans to left and says 'tick'. Irate, the officer shouts: "What are you doing? Why are you not tock-ing?!"

The man ignores him and continues to 'tick' to the left.

The officer leans in: "We have ways of making you TOCK!"

He is Espanyol

It will change the breed of your dog into a snicker-doodle.

The Navy hates leaks.

He was a Sioux chef.

March Fourth

Look at any web page's source and you will see an Al Gore-ithm

One day I want to be a man like mom :)

A guy and his dog walk into a bar and the guy orders a Corona light. "Check out my new dog. He only obeys commands given in Spanish," he tells the bartender. "What kind of dog is he?" the bartender asks. "He's espanyol," the guy replies.

Through OsMoses

I said, salt vinegar pepper mustard....

It's a fleeting moment.

I guess that's what happens when you're under the command of General Anesthesia.

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed “yes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" 😂🤣

A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.

However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.

He used the command "Control Sea"

The commander chuckled, reassuring the solider. "We've had no complaints about them."

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

My wife came storming in angrily, looked at us and shouted, 'Get down!'

I said, 'Follow the commander's orders, son. There might be an ambush.'

When I was younger, I had a Playstation 2 and a game called SOCOM: US Navy Seals that let you order your virtual team around with different voice commands. I'd be doing a mission and give the command to go weapons free by saying (basically yelling) "Fire at will." Every time I'd do that, my dad's voice would shout back "Who's Will and what'd he do to get shot at?"

So this happened at my convoy briefing at my unit this morning:

Commander: 'Convoy speed will be 50, catch up speed will be 55'

Someone else: 'What's the mustard speed going to be?'

We were watching a movie about the Battle at Wounded Knee, and it went something like this- "Fire at will!" (Commander) -scene changes to a man being hit by a cannon shot- "Oh no, they hit Will!!!" I think I was the only one who laughed.

So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.

 

"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if you say 'Hallelujah.' "

 

Feeling annoyed, the buyer says "That's fine," and he gets up on the horse. After the seller returns to the house, the buyer, mounted on the horse, whips the reins and says, "Hiyah!!" The horse doesn't move. "Yah," he said, spurring the horse. Still no movement. Feeling a little embarrassed and stupid, he complied to the owner's instruction. "Praise the Lord," he mumbled, and the horse began quickly trotting away from the stable.

 

Wow, the buyer thought, excited. I wonder how fast this horse can go. "Praise the Lord," he said, this time at normal volume. The horse sped up considerably.

 

Amazing! I must have this horse! the buyer thought. "Praise the Lord!" he shouted. "Praise the Lord!" And the horse kept speeding up. The stable behind them was no longer visible.

But the horse and the buyer were speedily approaching a huge canyon. Seeing this ahead, the buyer commanded, "St- stop! Whoaaa, horse!" But the horse kept the charge forward. "Hallelujah!" the buyer shouted. And the horse stopped at the edge of the vast canyon, with only inches of ground to spare.

Looking up to the sky, the buyer sighed in relief. "Praise the Lord."

(We are from Montana.)

Montana and North Dakota are in the middle of a war. The NDs have amassed a huge army and are about to march over a hill to invade MT. The commander of the ND army decides to send out a couple of scouts to see if the way is clear. Almost immediately after the two scouts disappear over the top of the hill, loud crashing and rumbling sounds come from the direction they went. After waiting until they are overdue for return, the commander decides to send a squad over to check out what happened. As they pass out of sight, a loud raucous was again heard from the other side of the hill. The commander becomes concerned and decides not to wait for them to return. He sends an entire platoon over the hill, telling them to take out any resistance they meet and return with any survivors. Once again, as the men disappear over the hill, the terrible sounds of war rush over the entire army and then slowly die down until nothing could be heard but the beating of the commanders heart. A proud man, never before defeated in battle, he decides to lead the entire army over the hill himself to destroy the opposition once and for all, but as they begin to march they see a single, mangled, ND soldier pulling himself up over the top of the hill by the only functioning limb of his body. Beaten, bloody and near death, he manages, with help, to make it to the commander and says; "Sir... (cough) Don't go... (spit, cough) It's a trap..."

And in the surprise induced silence he says;

"There's TWO of 'em."

I'll never forget when I was riding shotgun while my dad drove, and we were taking my friend Joe home. We had driven these streets hundreds of times, but at this moment, my dad released all these heretofore unheard-of puns.

We took a right on Cambridge Ave.

Dad looks over and stoically says in a gravelly voice with an -- American Indian?? -- accent, "First came iron horse… then came bridge."

Groans.

As we approach Minot Ln., he asks "do I turn here?" and Joe says "yes," to which dad replies "I don't know, Joe, I might, but I minot!"

Groans.

Finally, we make our last turn onto Cheyenne. Dad says with a deliberate, measured cadence, "You know, growing up, all the girls I met were so forward. It was weird. But then I met Shy Anne."

He finished his sentence right as we pulled into Joe's driveway. He put his right hand on the back of my headrest and turned to face us with a wide smile and the glittering, eyes of a puppy that just fetched on command.

Joe said "Thanks, Mr. Smith," and he got out and ran into his house.

I propose that today, March 4, should be Annual Dad Joke Day. This is dedicated to my father, who has asked me, once a year, "What day of the year is a command?"

[Having breakfast with my folks]

Dad: "This is my favorite day of the year."

Me: "Oh yeah 'cause it's your birthday tomorrow right?"

Dad: "No, because today is the one day out of the year where the date is a command!"

Me: "Oh god, not this agai-"

Dad: [cutting me off with a booming impression of a Roman centurion] "MARCH FORTH OR THOU SHALT BE FIFTH! And that's me I'm March 5th."

Me: "Walked right into that one again.."

Dad: "Same time next year?"

MARCH Fourth!