I'm a border collie. My master says that my main purpose is to gather sheep for him.
That's what I herd, anyway.
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
I wouldn’t say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
Some people say that "icy" is the easiest word in the English language to spell.
When I think about it, I see why.
My 6 year old daughter set up a party and led me to the registration sheet. It said "Sine here". Now I am wondering if there is another sheet that says "Cosine there".
Sorry for going on a tangent
To that guy all I have to say is Yo-da Man!
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
/r/Jokes/comments/i7puax/…
It is weird to see signs that say "In case of fire, don't use elevator". Everyone knows water is better to put on fires than an elevator.
i just learn that sorry is improper grammar and that the correct way to say it is i'm sorry
A botanist tells a joke to another botanist that he finds particularly funny. The first botanist is laughing so hard he can hardly muster a sentence, but manages to say...
That joke was so funny I nearly wet my plants!
My mom's personalized number plate says "IS♥️ED" and we always believed that it was short for "Is Loved." But then my dad had to ruin it for us all when he said it meant:
They say that as you get older, the first thing to go is your memory...
But I can't remember the second thing.
Doctor: Sir, I am sorry to say that you have onomatopoeia... Patient: What is it, doc?
Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.
To everyone that knows what the mitochondria is, all I can say is
My dad: You know what they say... A Mayan is a terrible thing to waste. Me: Who says that?
After watching a few episodes, I have to say that even though Spongebob is the main character,
"This is the seventh time in three years that you are appearing in front of me," said the judge, "What do you have to say for yourself?" "But your honor," came the reply,
"It's surely not my fault that you haven't been promoted."
A mom brings her baby to the doctor who says - wow, your baby is beautiful ! She says - thanks, but I'm sure you say that to every mom. He says - no I don't. She asks - what do you say if the baby is ugly??
Well, the doc says, I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and say - your baby looks just like you!
What does a viking that is trying to be optimistic say?
Could be norse.
(I just thought of this, i genuinely hope it's not a repost.)
Is it safe to say that all elevator music is on a whole other level??
Is it fair to say that the idea of taxes is tariffying?
A farmer decides to sell his home and shows a potential buyer around- "there's only 1 downside it's an old farm and all we have is an outhouse" the buyer says "oh, well thats fine- is there a lock?"
The farmer says "Sir, I've lived hear near on 60 years and all that time no one has ever tried to steal a bucket of shit"
Now that Trump is President, say goodbye to pre-shredded cheese...
...He's going to make America grate again.
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience."
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
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