If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
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︎ Jan 12 2021
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: βSure, my door is always open.β
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︎ Oct 27 2020
My deaf girlfriend just told me that βwe need to talkβ.
That isnβt a good sign.
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︎ Jan 22 2021
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I hate people who talk about me behind my back...
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︎ Jan 18 2021
Daddy, look! Those turtles are playing piggyback! Son, I was going to wait till you were older for this talk but...
Those are tortoises , not turtles.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
So, Iβve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I donβt buy into it.
I guess you could say that Iβm anti-biotic.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Letβs Trash Talk
my pick up is Thursday. how about you?
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Whatβs with all the talk about horny bugs in Washington D.C.?
I keep hearing about the capital insect erection.
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︎ Jan 19 2021
Are we going to talk about this oar what?
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︎ Sep 04 2020
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︎ Jan 02 2021
How do you talk to giants?
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︎ Dec 30 2020
What kind of vegetable refuses to talk to you?
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Studies have revealed that cows produce much more milk when the farmers talk to them.
It's a case of, in one ear and out of the uddet
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︎ Jan 18 2021
My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.
I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?
Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.
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︎ Nov 26 2020
I finally went to talk to the super cute girl who works in the Egyptian super market.
Her: What can I do for you?
Me: I'm looking for a date.
Her: Oh, what kind of dates?
Me: Uhmm, just dinner and a movie :)
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︎ Jan 08 2021
My son thinks I'm so cool for being able to talk like Cookie Monster and Elmo.
I guess you could say I have Sesame Street cred.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
What do you call a robber who talks a lot?
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Me: talks to my date
My friend, looking at me weirdly: why are you talking to a fucking FRUIT?!
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Why do court room stenographers talk loudly?
Because theyβre hearing aides!
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︎ Dec 30 2020
If you name your daughter Margarita, when she talks back or gets sassy you can say,
"I didn't ask for salt on the rim Margarita!"
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︎ Nov 28 2020
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
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︎ Nov 20 2020
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
I had one of the first computers that could talk.....
But this one day, the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I went out and got a Zip drive.
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︎ Dec 15 2020
It used to be taboo to talk about plastic surgery.
Now if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
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︎ Nov 30 2020
All this fuel pump talk is a real gas.
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︎ Oct 10 2020
such a prick to talk to
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︎ Sep 04 2020
Talk no jutsu
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︎ May 05 2020
While people are talking about the presidential election, I don't talk immediately, because...
I'm Biden my time, until I can play my Trump card.
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︎ Sep 23 2020
Why did no one talk to the Cutless
Because it doesnβt go straight to the point
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︎ Nov 18 2020
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
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︎ Oct 17 2020
A group of people meet up and eat together every night. But they do not talk about it.
They are part of the bite club
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︎ Nov 26 2020
What language do dumpsters talk in?
Trash talk!
(My little brother made this joke, I'm proud of him)
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︎ Sep 27 2020
My girlfriend said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture
I said we could table it for now.
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︎ Sep 29 2020
I tried to talk to my daughter about her chicken nuggets obsession, it didn't go well.
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︎ Aug 02 2020
I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
My deaf girlfriend just told me βWe need to talk.β
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︎ Dec 18 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
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︎ Aug 03 2020
If you ever get locked out of your house just talk to the lock.
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︎ Sep 27 2020
I hate when people talk about me behind my back.
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︎ Oct 30 2020
My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
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︎ Aug 08 2020
If you ever get locked out of the house, just talk to the lock.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
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