What do you call an almond in a space suit?

An Astronut.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RunescapeCoin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
I have to go to work at the museum this evening, moving suits of armour around.

I hate knight shifts.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."

"That's slander, man."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slashycent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
I told my suit cases just how There will be no holiday this year

I'm now dealing with emotional baggage

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeytherealking
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pregnant person in a suit of armour?

Bump in the knight

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
What do you call a chair in a suit?

A tux - seat - o

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbot-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
Why do Russian airline pilots wear wet suits when they fly?

Because zey be flying in the Jetski's.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhatProtomolecule
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
When I came to the cruise party with an eyepatch on and a cutlass only to see everyone in suits and ties,

I realized I was dressed inappropirately

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnificent-Moe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
What is the Latin word for "one-piece bathing suit"?

Bikinus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
The composer whom best suits this pandemic is...

Drycoughski.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tawdry-eloquence
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
Did you see the latest fashion trend is adhesive based dresses and suits?

From what I heard they’re a bit tacky.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheesydoodlers
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I personally think that beekeeper suits are ugly as hell, but hey...

Beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

πŸ‘︎ 387
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T0BBER
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Honey where's my super suit
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squiffy_Can
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a suit like to have for lunch?

Tie food

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shotintheship
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.

On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Santa's reindeer look when they got 3 piece tailored suits?

Dashing

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenthegreen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Magneto stop wearing his purple suit?

Because the days of fuchsia past

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Darth Vader's suit seems pretty expensive

Must have cost him an arm and a leg

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ferdaaron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits to your house in 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I imagine when Microsoft's co-founder Mr.Gates gets a suit tailored, they must fit him perfectly.

They have to fit the Bill.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?

Egg

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisRockley
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did J. S. Bach always wear really skimpy bathing suits?

He loved to feel the air on the G string.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my wife β€œI hate to tell you this babe, but your bathing suit is too revealing and tight”

She said β€œthen wear your own one then”

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Boy. I bet Anakin Skywalker must have paid a lot of money for his suit.

I think It may have cost him a couple arms and a couple legs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valbranz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a wolf that models suits?

A wear wolf

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealBobbyC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop coughing when he went to try his new suit?

He had a coughing fit.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunytou
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A joke about a suit that doesn’t fit?

Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as I’ve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I don’t remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didn’t fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but he’d always make this really theatrical voice and yell β€œhey! what did you do to my new suit?!” If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missjayelle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a car being driven by a sheep wearing a swim-suit?

A Lamb Bikini

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/studentadvisor101
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s Ironman without his suit?

Stark naked

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Who gets jazzed up to dry off people in suits of armor after dark?

A knight towel

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a paralyzed zoo keeper's bathing suit?

A zoo-kini

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foreverlord777
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Grammar has never been my strong suit
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kacsaminator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says β€œBut I had a 3-piece suit.”

Tailor says β€œThe vest is yet to come.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cristarain
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother always has hard candy inside a pocket of his 3-piece suit

He calls them β€œin vest mints”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uconnrob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Is a judge's gown a law suit?
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaveFile1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Jake, Alex, and Matt are preparing for a wedding. Jake tells Alex, β€œI tried on a new suit today.” Alex responds, β€œHas Matt?”

Jake says, β€œNo, just a regular suit.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamayurt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a weed dealer in a suit?

A cannabusinessman!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LarsDiamond
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What type of suits do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninjasunite
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend came to a fancy dress party wearing a suit and shoes made of bread.

He looked spiffy in his loafers.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a 1000 pound gorilla with a suit and tie and a machine gun?

β€œSir”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictorHelios1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm not happy because I have to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armor.

I hate knight shifts.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?

It cost him an arm and a leg.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Choiceofart
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.

I hate knight shifts.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orduk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What's Ironman without the suit? Stark Naked.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttsaggybob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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