Stuck With Puns

They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

...poor little guy, covered in Paris Sites.

The therapist looked at him calmly and said, "I'm with another client. I'll deal with you later."

I told my wife "That cat would have way more grip on roof shingles and I expect more I realism from talking cartoon cows. This is "UDDERLY" ridiculous."

She may have buried her head and avoided eye contact for a bit. I was proud.

Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, “hey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?

Between the two, I’d take the ladder.

To be honest, it was about thyme.

They're in a die-er strait.

Thankfully, it's just an isolated incident.

Her: Sure, what is it?

Me: “Overworked postmen.”

Her: But how many letters?

Me: Too many.

I know he means well.

I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”

A party pooper

'How many letters were there?' There were loads in there!

She said, “This isn’t going anywhere.”

You cut the table in half, because two halves make a hole.

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down."

..I suggest you make do.

Mascarpony

Luckily I could go fish.

His condition was described as stable.

Glad to help, but I'm pretty certain we named you Robert. I'll check with your mom, though.

So there was this hitman named Arti, renown for his very affordable prices. One day, he gets 3 contracts. He follows them around, keeping track of their daily habits, and finds that each of them go to the the grocery store after work at the same time.

Planning to get all 3 at once, he makes him move and like always, was extremely successful.

The next day, the headlines read, "Arti Chokes 3 for a dollar at Safeway"

I couldn't turn it down

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

So we were riding our car in the highway and a truck loaded with dirt all the way up was in front of us, when all of a sudden my dad talks, "So that's how they deliver when you buy land!"

Once while watching the original Planet of the Apes, my Dad walks in to inform me that dinner is ready. He stops, looks at the screen and says, "Hey is this Roots?"

Probably about 20 years ago I was out to eat with my parents and the waitress came and asked if we were ready to order. As my dad was looking at the menu he said "I've got a question about the smothered chicken. Does smothering the chicken to death really make it taste better?"

Facepalms all around.

Her: Sure. What is it?

Me: The clue is “Overworked Postman”.

Her: But how many letters?

Me: Too many.