Me, to my two boys: "Hazel tried to escape, but I rescued her!...Or....should I say captured her?"
Boy 1: (pronunciation) "cap- CHURR!"
Boy 2: "Or... You CAT-tured her!"
Boy 1: "No, you CAT cat-ture Hazel!"
Sometimes I fumble when switching between chords on a guitar, but it’s just A Minor inconvenience.
I told him to be more Pacific.
Me: You untied your tie.
Son: Now it’s a neck.
Last night, I tried to tell my 10 year old daughter the classic "Kangaroo walks into a bar" joke. For those who are not familiar, a version of this. I got to the point where the Kangaroo orders the first beer, and my daughter interrupted me with "let me guess - the beer wasn't hoppy enough." Nope. But I like the way she thinks!
I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
She looked relieved.
It will be our PUNishment
But my kids think I should start now.
Guys, I'm Sirius!
Two crows sitting on a telephone wire outside our window, and a third crow swoops down... "Oh my God it's an attempted murder!"
Nice one, future dad...
Stopped at the grocery store last night. My teen daughter always picks out the apples (so we know we get ones she likes). When she grabbed one from the middle of the bin, a few on the top rolled to the bottom. She briefly panicked, then turned to me and says "whew! I almost caused an apple-anche!"
It was a dishtopian future.
So my wife and I are house/petsitting for some friends of ours. They have two cats, and a ten month old German Shepard. Being ten months old, the puppy is still a little rowdy. Tonite, after we took him for a walk, we let him kind of hang out in the house.
He still wanted to play, and jammed his elephant toy in my wife's face as she sat on the couch crocheting. She pulled back and he jammed it into her chest, then released and bit down to get a better grip on the toy.
In doing so he just clipped my wife's ahem nipple. She immediately pushed the dog away and grabbed the affected area. I stood up to help, somehow, and asked her if she was okay.
She looked me straight in the eye and said "Yeah, it's just a little nip." I couldn't be more proud.
He'll probably be a little disappointed...
The other night, my wife made a fantastic peach pie. It was the best one she has been ever made (she even put my initials in it with a heart around it). As she was showing off her handiwork, the pie slipped out of the pan and splattered everywhere. The wife started crying, the kids started complaining. My 23 year old nephew walks into the room and looks at the ensuing chaos. He grabs a handful of the mush, eats it, and says to my wife, "I think the pie turned out just peachy."
Wife and I were in the kitchen talking about these new steaks we've been getting from Farm Boy. She's worried we won't be able to find such good steaks when we move.
Teenage son walks in the room, "sounds like you guys are having a pretty high-stakes conversation."
Wooden shoe?
Me: "Is that cool or what?"
2.5 year old son: serious tone "It's what."
Wife: "we need to start saying grace before dinner."
Daughter: "grace."
Wearing too many clothes on a hot day can be dangerous. You're putting yourself in apparel. (Peril)
It's not the best but I got my girlfriend to cringe and leave.
I'm eating in the living room and he comes out and says:
So, I was listening to NPR on the way home and they were talking about that New York soda law. They were talking about sizes of sodas across the nation and how New York is far from having the smallest sized sodas, and that the state with the actual on-average smallest sized sodas is
Mini-soda.
Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.
While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).
I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)
The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."
I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.
Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)
What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"
Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.
I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)
I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".
I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten
... keep reading on reddit ➡Boyfriend: Did you hear about the mite that's killing all the honeybees?
Me: You don't know that!
Boyfriend: What? I thought I read something about it.
Me: Well, it isn't for sure! But it mite bee.
So i was picking up my strep throat perscription with my dad. He was taking a look at readers glasses. So he asks me "hey, how do i look?" To which i replied "With your eyes" and he was all "No i mean with the glasses." Which i replied. "Glasses or not. You still look with your eyes." He groaned and called me a Jive. It was a win.
So I was out grocery shopping with my brother and we decided that we should to make BLTs. I walked over with him to the vegetables and he picked up a lettuce ball and said "Lettuce get this one"
He lives in a somewhat rural town and someone he knows rode his horse through town today. As he pulled up next to him he asked " How many miles to the gallon does your MUSTANG get?"
So proud right now.
So I was sitting on a couch and my dad was about to leave to store.
.
Me: Dad, can you buy me a sketchbook?
Dad: What kind of sketchbook?
Me: I would prefer an empty one.
.
I didn't think it was very funny but he laughed outloud. He doesn't do that often.
http://i.imgur.com/42GDceT.jpg
We were getting home from the grocery store, and I was putting groceries into the fridge.
Me, putting new asparagus into the fridge: Oh, Nick, we already had some asparagus.
Nick: Well, I guess we have a-spare-agus then.
I operate a press brake that bends and FORMS (capitalized for importance) metal. Today some coworkers were talking about Bruce Jenner and asked me what I thought about it.
I responded with "If he were to do my job he'd be a transformer."
We're playing Yahtzee and he rolls a large straight. He then yells, "I'm on a roll!"
Me: "Dad, why is this pill on top of your phone over here?" Mum: "It's a tablet!"
Laughter all round
co-worker: What's the name of the customer again?
me: Ah, geez. Hold on, I'm drawing a blank...
co-worker: Well put the pen down then!
Was driving my brother to school when Volcano started playing on the radio, so I turned to him and asked "Do you know?"
"Do I know what?"
Singing along now:
"I don't know"
"I don't know"
"I don't know where I'm gonna go when the volcano blows"
He stuck his hands over his ears and groaned no, so I don't know if knows where to go either.
As I was driving and receiving directions from my friend in the back seat while my other friend was in the front seat I knew he would be a great dad.
Me: so turn here?
Backseat: yep take a left on Nichols (the street)
Frontseat friend: well I would rather turn on Dimes....
Followed by his own brand of slight chuckle. It was marvelous
My brother: There's popsicles in the freezer, by the way. Me: Cool. Him: Yeah, they ARE pretty cool. Y'know, since they're in the freezer.
I said, "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
I said, "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
