Me: Oh wow really? Is that the reason why the sales of Segways fell off?
I don't know if I believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.
I guess I’m easily suede.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
What are the odds?
He thought it was upsetting.
... would the police conduct a large scale search?
I immediately thought it was the best idea to check if at least the engine was still able to run before deciding to get a mechanic to assess the situation. I put the key in and gave it a go but I got nothing
I guess the car was two tired.
the difference is staggering
She's fine now. I put a Bounty on her head.
It will be our PUNishment
While making dinner tonight for the family, my girlfriend wanted to add more of that dark, leafy, and easily pun-able green called Kale.
Girlfriend: Can I add more kale?
Me: Won't that be over-kale?
The balls on that guy.
He says he's a funguy!
The circumstances for this joke were so specific I don't think it will ever be repeated.
Yesterday morning I stopped by my parent's house and my mom had just made coffee. She buys "raw unfiltered honey" from a local farmers market to sweeten the coffee. First she handed my dad his cup, then she was about to put a spoonful of honey in mine when she stopped and said "there's something in this honey!"
I looked at it and it was literally a bee's hairy little leg. I looked in the jar and found one more. I said "its no big deal, im sure its fine", then I picked out the legs. Just then my dad takes a big sip and makes an "Ahhh" sound like he's satisfied. He then holds up the cup and smiles at us like he's in a 1950's Folgers commercial and says "This coffee is the BEE'S KNEES!"
It was epic.
The driver was arrested for armed robbery.
Eating dinner with my wife:
Me: Did you hear that one direction broke up, evidently it's causing quite a bit of drama.
Wife: Yeah, I did hear that, but boy bands can't stay together forever.
Me: Well yeah, eventually they have to become a man band.
Boy did she groan at that one.
Coworker: "Didn't Fletch have that chase scene in it?"
Me: "I'd say it had a lot of Chase scenes."
I received a new personal record for eye rolls per single joke.
