Had to tell my family we can't take the boat to the lake cause my truck broke down. Fortunately, avocado.
An old woman goes to see the doctor. "I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell. In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all."
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
I accidentally trimmed the leaves off my wife's favorite plant, but fortunately they grew back.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
I was bitten by a venomous snake. Fortunately, my uncle's wife gave me a bunch of money, cookies, and gifts.
I was glad to have the auntie dote.
My coworker Sam likes to go karaoke, but never tells anyone. Fortunately the wristwatch he wears the next day is a big giveaway
Fox News Host Jeanine Pirro Gets Ticket for Speeding at 119 M.P.H. but, fortunately there was no accident.
She was charged with wreckless driving.
I met a bipolar fortune teller yesterday...
She says she either feels very manic, or quite depressed - never a happy medium.
I once took a librarian on a date, she cost me a fortune.
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
When my uncle worked at the iron mill he made a fortune sneaking out material that he could sell. One can say he was very good at steeling.
Never name your daughter Fortune
Because she'll grow to be MissFortune.
My daughter opening her fortune cookie:
“Hey, there’s no fortune in here”
Me: “that’s unfortunate”
My fortune cookie: “your sense of humor will get you through difficult times”.
I wanted to see a fortune teller but my wife didn’t want to because they’re always so depressed. So we compromised and found...
The business man opened a shadow puppet theater that should make a fortune!
But that’s just projected figures.
Fortune tellers only come in one size
What do you call a fortune teller that provides his services for free?
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that broke out of jail?
Police are saying there is a small medium at large
I went to a fortune tellers conference. They had free t-shirts.
I made matching t-shirts for the members of my fortune tellers club...
But it turned out not all of them were mediums
What do you call a fortune telling dwarf who escapes from prison?
I went to get my fortune told. I walked into the lobby and asked the receptionist if there was a fee.
She just shook her head and said "This is a non-prophet organization."
How does French Super Mario tell his fortune?
Two fortune tellers meet on the street.
One says to the other, “You’re fine, how am I?”
99.9% of people are dumb
Fortunately I belong to 1% of smart people
My fortune cookie did good
I decided to make a fortune with a new invention, a pen vending machine!
If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate. If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. What do you call someone who makes their fortune...
What was the first thing Sinatra said to his parents when he was born?
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?”
He said, “ Two thirty.”
A man walked into a fortune teller's shop
He asks to have his future read and the fortune teller happily does so. After gazing into her crystal ball she starts to laugh uncontrollably.
The man hits her immediately to which the teller asks:
Why did you do that???????
The man replies,
I've never struck a happy medium before
What do you call a short fortune teller who’s on the run?
Damn, now he won't find out his fortune.
What do you called a vegetable-based fortune telling card?
Did you hear about the fraudulent, short in stature fortune teller who escaped from jail?
The newspaper headline read ‘Small Medium at Large’.
What do you call a soothsayer in it for the money?
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
There was a kidnapping at my son’s school this week.
Fortunately he woke up after half an hour.
Told to me this morning by my 9yo son - I was very proud!
What do you call a fortune teller who only sees the worst in things?
This punny fortune from a fortune cookie.
Fortune teller: Someone near you is going to be dissapointed soon.
Dad: That'd be you; I've come out without my wallet.
So yesterday I went to the store. All that I got was a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. That was all. Fortunately it was light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
I met a bipolar fortune teller yesterday...
She says she either feels very manic, or quite depressed - never a happy medium.
(According to my facebook memories, I made this one up 7 years ago!)
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